Try to Set the Night on FIRE! (With Leather Pants)

image: cartoongalleries.blogspot.com

Fire is probably the coolest element. It’s the element that skateboards, skips Algebra class and wears a wallet chain. I mean you have earth, wind, water, air…or at least that’s what Captain Planet led me to believe.  Of all those, fire is no doubt the bad ass.

Can you imagine what the first guy who discovered fire lived like? Steve Jobs and Bill Gates come to mind . Fire was truly life altering.  I hope he walked around, threatening to summon fire upon people.  Surely, he capitalized on his creation. I mean, I  would totally carry two sticks around and when I didn’t get my way I would just start rubbing them together like, “I will start a fire right here on the elder’s head if someone doesn’t do the Flinstone Flop right now! Entertain me!” Furthermore I would extort everybody, leaving me with the most valuables: sweet ass pimped out cave, high end pottery, and really cool rocks and bones.

As we all know fire is dangerous.  This reminds me of two separate tales where I am fairly surprised my dad has a house to live in. These are examples where fire was attempted to be harnessed and failure followed…

image: imdb.com

he took a nap. I was about 12 and obviously old enough for my dad to trust me not to burn the house down while he slept. Was he ever wrong! My brother and I were attempting to burn corners of paper to make it look old, I think we were making some kind of fancy pants treasure map. None the less we thought fire would enhance it’s authenticity. Well corner 1,2,and 3 not a problem. Corner 4 was ablaze, fell onto the other paper we were using and the coffee table was a hobo gathering place. We freaked, I am pretty sure we ran in panicked circles. I grabbed a nearby glass of juice and extinguished the flame. Dad never woke, he never knew what happened. We abandoned our dangerous craft project and watched Rocko’s Modern Life instead.

Fire in Human Form

The other story is just my brother, but he tempted to once again challenge fire, and he lost. I was in the bathroom of my dad’s house fixing my hair. I suppose I was 13 this time. I am sure I was putting tacky barrettes in my hair that mimicked whatever I saw in Seventeen magazine. I hear my brother screaming and then he ran into the house, filled a glass of water and ran back out. The whole time he was making this crazy baby bird noise. Somewhere between squealing and sobbing. On the third trip to the faucet my dad said “Now what in the hell’r you doin’?” as he stood from his Lazyboy. No doubt he thought, ‘this better be good, I’m watching NASCAR’. I, being curious,, followed my dad outside to find a backyard on fire. My brother was throwing cups of water on one of the patches of fire. “Shit hell!” my father exclaimed as he grabbed the garden hose. He put out the fire, my brother crying hysterically. Okay, let me say he was only 7 yrs old, so I think the crying is understandable. Me, I laughed, until the laughter hurt my body and I had to stop. It was awesome.

Well, there you have it, fire is a dangerous and helpful element. Use it wisely. By the way doesn’t my human form of fire pictured above look like a fat Russel Brand? I think so too.