Women’s “Fail” at Dating

I recently wrote about my generation and our absolute failure at dating. I got a lot of  great feedback, probably the most I have received since I wrote about my hate mail in one post. I wrote at length about why I think collectively, my age group give or take some years have become detached and incapable of forging meaningful relationships. I blamed our consumer mentality and the convenience of contraceptives and protection.

Generation Y’s “Fail” at Dating

I am going to address why I personally think as a woman I am failing. I am holding grudges. I’m holding Kill Bill style grudge that influences absolutely everything about my dating today. It’s hard to recoup after a devastating blow to your pride and emotions. Perhaps because I feel like a fool? I do. I am mad that I didn’t detect the bull shit. I fell into the false intentions and pretend sincerity.
I’m supposed to brush myself off and act like it’s nothing right? I don’t think so, I can’t sing a sassy little song about it either. I think I am prolonging the need to deal correctly with bitterness by trying to date immediately after. The enormity of grievances are not being properly managed, they are being filed away in the wrong cabinets. What’s worse, as young girls (at least in the South I know for sure) we are taught anger is not lady like. It’s not okay to be mad, lest you want to be a bitch. I deny that need to bare my canines  and say a name with REAL contempt, not a deflective sarcastic joke. I avoid a very real part of the healing process because I’m too proud to admit I feel the full spectrum of emotions and that someone got the best of me this time.

On the rebound, I haven’t addressed what happened. I have enough anger to drift into the next galaxy right now. I want to punch a black hole in that mother fucker’s face daily. I realize it’s unreasonable, but I want him to hurt just as long as I do, though I know he isn’t sweating shit. People like him don’t, their self interest far exceeds compassion of any kind. I have to deal with the enormity of being wronged and also being wronged by someone unaffected by his cruelty to others as well. Therefore my rage is hard to deconstruct when it’s seems replenished so easily. There is nothing more antagonizing than disingenuous apologies and nonobligatory texts of well wishing ; “Just hope you’re doing okay and have a nice (insert whatever fucking holiday into this generic message)”.

I therefore have lost the ability to bridge first date to continued contact and following dates. I don’t know how to function. That’s not this last asshole’s fault it’s mine. I let it happen. I also tried to date too soon and brush him off like I wasn’t stressing him. My pride is counterproductive. I think a lot of women are the same way.

I should have been busy being a proud mother, employee, and woman. I should be doing my best and letting that be more satisfying, always enthused to improve too. I failed to do that before. Now, my pride is hurt in another way when it wasn’t on a solid foundation. I cope with self sabotaging dating behavior or well, dropping off the face of the earth so suddenly.

All of that being said, I feel like that’s my guilty part of the mess. I am sure that I have never acknowledged the hurt of other break ups. I carry the residual over, always meeting with crossed arms, guard fully up. I tend to let the instances where I got hurt rule my dating attitude. I in turn become another bitter girl who is a total flake. Then I’m sure it’s the next girl’s problem when the guy doesn’t put as much effort into their date because of my rude behavior. It’s a cycle.

The positive thing is, this last reckless hedonist cock-rocker (yeah, I know I’m going there) with no class, no shame, selfish asshole with self-important, arrogant, pseudo alfa male bullshit bravado has accomplished one thing; I got more introspective. Enough so I realize I need to put into action a way to counteract the self-destructive tendencies I have starting ASAP. I mean, shame on him, but shame on me for letting it bleed over into other parts of my present life and future life. I don’t feel alone, I think guys tend to agree most women walk around with too much old unresolved grief.

This was the most cathartic post written to date but I feel better. Funny stuff next time, I mean even dirty alcoholic clowns get sad, you have seen those creepy velvet paintings right?

Wait, Wait, Wait!  Totally off subject;

May I take the time to thank some fellow bloggers who have mentioned mine in some very cool ways via reblogging, award nominations or links….Be sure to read them I like these blogs in very different ways, but enjoy reading them all just the same.

Snarky Snatch

Warrior Poet Wisdom

Big Mike’s World

Toast a Day

Obsessions

Word Play

The Truth About Dating

Wild Geese That Fly

29 responses to “Women’s “Fail” at Dating

  1. You really let it all hang out in the wind, Sheena. Your angst revealed has struck more than one discordant and painful note with me. You’re right though to put it out there. It will help you heal.

    I’m in the recovery stage, (I hope) of a breakup too. Although I’ve lately seemed to be upright, and clawing my way to the surface of the choppy ocean after being capsized by an unexpected huge wave of heartbreak,
    I’m not ready to enter the minefield of dating right now either.

    Sure.. we blame ourselves, as it seems pointless, angry, and painful to go after the other party. I’m sure your reasons are more than justified — men, as I’ve observed and commented on, tend to be complete and total assholes about affairs of the heart, myself included.

    That being said, I’m usually more overcome with grief and pathos when I become the dumpee. Sometimes it’s a self-pity wallow, others it’s just like having your dog die.

    So we motor on.. sometimes blindly, but wary — checking and rechecking the rearview mirrors, suspecting that any other involvement may only mean another smoldering car wreck.

    Gawd, I just depressed myself. :)

    Time to go beat the hell out of some unsplit wood with a sharp and heavy object.

    • Oh my, I don’t intend on depressing anyone :(. I think I just had to loosed the pressure release valve before it really does explode. I also feel I attack men and unfairly since I have a biased opinion. There are good guys, but cheaters and liars ruin it for them, women don’t want to fool with them…only because their kindness is mistaken for weakness. I really hope this helps some girls. I think it’s good to know human emotions are okay. I haven’t keyed his car in a fit of rage so I think I am coping in a heatlhy way…though the anger is sometimes overwhelming. I read blogs on here that touch me b/c other ppl are there too.

  2. Wow, what an amazing post Sheena! I am sorry you had this experience, not that you need a man’s sympathy right now. I do like how you used some humor with the topic. I was usually the guy friend that swoops in with a few pints of good ice cream, a box of Kleenex and a copy of the movie Fried Green Tomatoes. No I’m not gay, I just like to be a good friend. I’ll have to mail you your care package…what flavor of ice cream do you like? Stay strong my friend, you’re the toughest girl out there in blogger land that I know.

    • Fried Green Tomatoes is such a good movie and like a girl it makes me cry every time I watch it. When they tear down that old lady’s house…sigh. I think everyone has been through it, I just want to learn from it :)

  3. Sheena, while I can’t say that I understand all that you’re feeling, on the same level that you feel it, I can still understand that your feelings are valid, and that your pain, anger, rage and hurt is absolutely real and justified. Now that you’ve let out much of how you feel, maybe all that hurt can begin to heal, and your justified anger can begin to gradually recede. When you’re ready, give things a chance to start anew, and please know that no matter how it looks like right now, your experience can get much better.

    • :) Like I said, it was a cathartic post. I am very much wanting to improve my situation. I won’t whine about mean boys all day, I can only change how I react right? Of course. I mean much of it has dwindled considerably, but I am pointing out where I am probably failing myself and nice guys :) thanks for reading.

  4. Unresolved grief in anyone, man or woman, isn’t good. But I guess knowing it’s there is good for you, right?

    Rock on, Sheena!

    • Thanks hon, I am willing to bet it ruins a lot of potential relationships. I also think that’s why guys are in the friend zone more often…thank you for reading!

  5. Guys are just as angry, we are just slaves to boobs.

  6. I think this is the part where people like me (ie male), should just be supportive and not say anything at all.

    • Oh no, feel free dear, I put my business out there it’s okay to comment :) I do however like your stance on this! ha ha! I kid, I don’t hate all of you, not even close :)

  7. All I can say is, we are all individuals. Good or bad, male or female. And when we are hurt we can allow that to colour all that follows. It is a truism that we are the sum of our experiences. I hope you get yourself in a position to start out again, strong and ready to find all you want.

    It can and does happen, :-)
    Jim

  8. I’ll freely admit we men are doodie-heads most of the time. Serial dickwad encounters can become depressing I am sure. I think I got contact catharsis from reading this… have you tried Jack Daniels? My only other possible suggestion is to avoid karaeoke bars.

    • Ha ha! I don’t know if I will romantically know my mythical lovers of the karaoke! How sad! Yeah, I have met serial dickwads but it’s what it is. I know they do not speak for the masses of good fellas…I just need to pick em better! Jack Daniels has been a buddy a few post breakup nights out with man hating girls ha ha, they made sure I met him that night :)

  9. Hi Sheena!

    I loved both your posts (this one and the generation y’s), but there are somethings about which I disagree. Well, I think you’re blaming yourself – and women in general – too much :P No, seriously, this (= assholes) is a global EPIDEMIC! lol (I’m from Brazil, dated a guy from Canada, and have friends in Italy and other european countries, trust me, I know :P) How can we blame ourselves for bearing grudges and for not being open-minded enough to have not only a first and second, but a third, fourth date and so on?? Like you said, it’s blow after blow after blow, it’s only human to be angry and to let your guard up until the guy proves not guilty! LOL It *IS* this last asshole’s fault!!!! Sure, maybe it’s also partly yours for letting it happen, or for trying to date again too soon, but hey, let’s not blame the victim here…not that women are “victims” in the classical sense, but it’s like you said, guys are just not being honest! That they all want sex we all know. WE also want sex, and that’s fine. But, really, it seems to be ALL they want, it’s like they’re not even giving us a chance to get to know each other…they just don’t seem to care!!!

    And when you say “most women walk around with too much old unresolved grief”..well, that’s precisely true for guys as well. I’ve met some who just want to use women because their heart got broken by some manipulating bitch. Like I told one of them, though, that’s no excuse to keep on sabotaging other people! Everyone is a different individual, and we should give them the benefit of the doubt. WITHOUT giving aaaalll your heart away, trusting blindly, and putting aaaaallll expectations of a brilliant, spotless, beautiful love on their shoulders without even knowing them much. I think we should try to have an open mind, but with a grain of salt, you know?

    I also disagree with this other part of your text: “I should have been busy being a proud mother, employee, and woman. I should be doing my best and letting that be more satisfying, always enthused to improve too. I failed to do that before.” Come on, please…being busy, being a proud mother, a good employee, and a woman DO NOT exclude dreaming of finding a nice guy to share your life (or at least some good moments for some months or years) with, or to feel loved by a member of the opposite sex. We’re humans, we’re much more than employees or mothers or women! We should always aim high, why not???

    Anyway…I totally agree when you talk about people’s attitudes to dating as consumer’s attitudes, perfect!!! It cannot be that way! arghghghgh

    As for your phrase “It just seems that without the threat of syphilis being incurable and rotting your brain out anymore we have fewer consequences”, hmmmm…we have that and so many STDs, and most of all, *AIDs* still around, don’t we?? But people just seem to forget condoms aren’t 100% safe, even when used correctly…and even if the treatment for those diseases are much better than they used to be, well…nobody wants to get sick, right?? AIDs patients are living much longer, sure, but until the interests of some corporations don’t get out of the way, the cure is still not here…unfortunately.

    Well, good luck to all of us! :)

    • Thanks for all the input, I like to hear varied opinions. Um, you make some very good points, a lot of people did, I appreciate them b/c obviously I will only see things through my perspective so I decided to put it out there, let some others offer feedback. Yeah, I just think i need to wait, b/c I am holding grudges that are fueled by anger. I want to resolve and heal, and hopefully give someone worthy a valid chance…someone that wants sex and me too :) I agree with that a lot of guys only care about sex, they should just be upfront, a lot of girls are down ya know?

      • If you want, check my entry: http://janusaureus.wordpress.com/2012/01/11/relationships/ (it’s not anything like yours, but you might at least find something funny there – that bedtime prayer is my favorite :P)

        Sure, sure :))) When I said I disagreed, it didn’t mean I don’t consider there are different perspectives – it all depends on who we are and the people we’ve been meeting along the way :) I was feeling exactly like you until not long ago (and my anger against guys was SO obvious that I’ve been “accused” of being a feminist LOL Not that I have anything against feminists, but I’ve never considered myself one, so…that came as a shock in a way :P).

        I said “I was feeling like you until not long ago”…you might be wondering (or not :P) what made me change. I met the most terrible guy! LOL You know, the type of guy who says things like “women, I love you all, please come lick me!!”??? (and I’m not joking here, he made the most absurd, retarded comments like that, he really pissed me off in all ways possible!) – we started calling each other names, obviously :P But I was sooooo angry that I kept on replying to his stupidities, and he kept on coming up (surprisingly!) with some very good arguments…at some point, we were still really sarcastic and making fun of each other’s radicalities but somehow the conversation turned out to be pretty interesting…LOL Interesting enough to make us both feel curious to get to see who was behind the keyboards writing those things.

        To make a *very* long story short: I decided to put all my doubts and good sense :P aside because I was so tired of feeling lonely and not giving anyone a chance… I mean, the guy is SO different from me…and what I want (besides sex :P) is a meaningful relationship, whereas he has just broken up with his girlfriend (recipe for disaster, right??) and told me he’s just needy and just wants sex, that he doesn’t want a girlfriend, he doesn’t want anything serious right now, he wants to dedicate himself to his career, etc. Chances are I’ll have my heart absurdly broken, I know. Especially because the more I get to know him, the more surprised (in a good sense) I get, because I’m finding out qualities in him I just couldn’t suspect. At the same time, he’s been contacting me and wanting to be with me more and more often, and having attitudes and words and gestures that aren’t at all what a guy who couldn’t care less and just wants sex would…so…I really don’t know what to think, it’s a really weird situation and I’m afraid. For the first time in my life I have absolutely no idea where this is going…but I decided to not freak out (too much :P), and try not to classify him, or what I feel for him, or what he might possibly feel for me. I’m trying to let it flow and see what happens…not sure I’ll be successful, but :P LOL

      • Oh there’s hope for me, I know it. I don’t want to have a poor attitude and sabotage things. I’m just more in tune with my instincts. I had a bad gut feeling here and there and should have listened. It wasn’t paranoia! I’ll check out your blog :)

      • Feel free to exploit it, but I write mostly in portuguese…sorry!!!! Still, if you wish you can check the posts that belong to the “english-speakers” category, and surf around see the photos :D hehehe :P

  10. Pingback: Quick cross-reference | 26datesin2012

  11. Thanks for this insightful post. I cross-referenced it on my blog. Great work and thumbs up for becoming more introspective. There are so many things within ourselves that we need to figure out before we can go out there.

    • Hey thank you, yeah this one came straight from the heart and it felt so good, I’ve felt so much better since letting it just pour out into that post…ahhhh. I’ll check this out, thanks again!

  12. great and insightful thoughts!

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