Coffee Talk

My longstanding love affair with coffee began as a young adult. I started drinking it to suffer through mandatory overtime at my first “adult” job I had. No, I don’t mean pornography, I mean the first job I worked upon turning eighteen and graduating high school.

Years later, part-time school, full-time work, and a baby has left me more or less addicted to caffeine. I’m cool with it, I don’t get near the amount of sleep I should even to this day, with slightly less on my plate. FYI: You can leave your kid at McDonald’s Playplace ball pit and walk away no one even notices! I am kidding, obviously, and McD’s has some bangin’ coffee.

Yes, this is appropriate. Duh.

I love local coffee houses, their specialty drinks are truly divine. It’s brewed with all the care a hipster can muster while trying too hard not to look pretentious and not caring about looking pretentious. The atmosphere is still cool though, even if the guy next to you is discussing post apocalyptic survival on bean sprouts and all the physics a cartoon parodying Stephen Hawkins taught him. I mean Jebus, save me, that is some of the shit I overhear for serious. How can I not when Mr. Open-toe Sandals is chatting away. I want to be like, “Dude, you brought your fucking Mac Book, why don’t you occupy your face with that?” I digress, because Mexican hot chocolate is worth that and much, much worse.

Also, this is the only location you may find more profound things than dirty limericks scrawled on the bathroom stalls. I mean of course Deepak Chopra belongs here, everyone knows how smart you are because you proved it by writing it on a bathroom stall…wait. While I’m at it, should I mention to the loner with the headphones, go fight the savage loneliness at a smaller table please, my friends and I need somewhere to sit whilst we socialize.I mean,  I know you have only been sitting there for seven hours but it would be courteous no?

I’m not a fan of the big corporate coffee shops, surrounded in scandal, such as Starbucks. I’ll still spend the gift card I received in there, caffeine is caffeine is caffeine and I would intravenously inject it if I didn’t think it would kill me. It seems Starbucks can be…..

Perverted

Hates dwarfism 

Put bugs in your milkshake

I haven’t had the best experiences there myself. This includes miserable cashiers and the fact that the Starbucks in Barnes and Noble Bookstore will not accept, get this, Starbucks gift cards. Yeah you read correctly, they don’t. They can also suck a bag of dicks.

On the contrary, Starbucks will always receive a begrudging respect from me. Why? After I just bashed the chain? Well, because of this:

Woman Finds Profanity on Starbucks Cup

"I need you inside me" is generally what I say to my first cup.

It’s hard to say whose side I’m on. Hear me out. I’ve done customer service, and it’s horrendous. People can be incredibly rude. The anti-social part of me cheered upon reading this (I imagined doing similar everyday). The more mature adult sees this as inappropriate. Whoever did it, they have some serious balls, that lady in the video was built like Larry the Cable Guy.  This could have gone horribly. I wish that bitch would give me her free vouchers, I’ll be a bitch, a bitch with free coffee (I win).

I suppose my goal here is to antagonize my local Starbucks employees into calling me names so I can get free coffee. you know when I don’t have the money for “cool” coffee. Not iced ya’ll fucking cool, like not lame. I have no scruples I’ll drink coffee if it comes from Peruvian child labor and employees that do not wash their hands. I really, really love coffee.