Even Rick Astley is Full of Shit

Promises to never; give me up, let me down, run around, dessert me, make me cry, say goodbye, tell a lie and or hurt me? Yeah, I doubt it but it’s catchy. I’ve heard these lines before, and I’ll hear them again. I have entered the dating world again about six months ago and realize it’s a tough. This is a far less bitter post about dating, because I’ve had an epiphany.

Check this out, if guys are going to put in copious amounts of ground work in order to get my goodies, why not capitalize on it. Now, don’t get it twisted I’m not a total fool. Some guys will put in months of groundwork only to drop me if I sleep with them, or don’t sleep with them soon enough.

I have decided that in order to remedy my hurt feelings, I’m going to make sure I make it worth my while. It’s time to experiment.

I want to see how far I can push the boundaries of what a man will do for my vagina. For starters, I think I will suggest a double colonic for our first date. I mean would a guy really be willing to get tubing shoved up his asshole and pumped full of water? I want us to get this done in the same room, no privacy curtain. It’s not like I find the idea of their impacted bowel contents running through clear tubes savory by any means, but I feel nothing could be more humiliating on a first date. You know, because it takes a while to poop in front of your significant other. In my opinion an open door poop is next level. It’s right up there with “I love you” and “Let’s bring other partners into our relationship, you down?”

Following this, and ten pounds of excavated feces, I am willing to bet he’s done. No? Well, then it’s time for a chick movie marathon. I hate romantic comedies, but I am willing to suffer through no less than ten of them just to torture this fool. I will be sure that all of them have a similar story line and even actors that look the same. This won’t be hard to do, most of them will have Jennifer Anniston and Drew Barrymore. I could probably pick them at random and pick pretty much the exact same fucking movie over and over again. Or, even better Titanic, seven times in a row. I will cry the whole time.  I’ll stifle my inward feelings of victory.

Perhaps dinner? Well, now it’s time to show off my table manners by getting trashed on several alcoholic  beverages. Now it’s time to unload all my baggage. I have a kid, so why not mention I am looking for a “daddy”. On a side note my kid has a fantastic father who couldn’t be better at taking care of him so it would be funny to me. I can talk about my knitting hobby, Precious Moments figurine collection and well old bloody band-aide collection. It’s perfect.

Yep, I have been letting the menfolk off too easy by being a level-headed girl that doesn’t blow up their phone. I am pretty self-confident but I think constantly seeking validation would be a better approach. Perhaps just to appear more reckless, I can throw in some daddy issues of my own albeit made up. It’s bullet proof.

I want to hear doves cry.

Why? Why Sheena would you put a man through the gauntlet like this? Well, instead of their smooth talk and lies, why not make them put in work. Talk is easy, why not? No more letting these boys off so easy. I mean how simple is it to buy dinner and give compliment or two (grandiose at that, I’m cute, but I’m not fucking Meagan Fox that’s why I work, dickface). If anything I can study this for scientific purposes, and we know scientists study a lot of stupid things that waste an inappropriate amount of funding. I simply want to see how far will a man go? Will he walk 5,000 miles, he will sing about it, will he do it? Stay tuned, I am unleashing pure hell on the dating realm. Insert evil laughter….here.

I kid, but it’s not a bad idea in theory!

78 responses to “Even Rick Astley is Full of Shit

  1. I’ve been long off the market. I do wish that I had tortured/and demanded more from my dates. I was too nice.

  2. From what I can determine (two I can’t figure out), I own at least six of those chick flicks. Guess!

  3. You would, then you would break out the dead babies jokes just to see how mortified or deranged he is.

  4. I can’t even get my man to do the dishes, let alone something outlandish like a colonic… if you can get a dude to do it, then your vagina must be sparkly and magcial. If you succeed, then please SHARE YOUR SECRET

  5. After reading so many of your posts the last few months, I am not so sure this post is all tongue and cheek (love your wit). However if said date is willing to get tubed for you on any date much less the first, I say run, run for the hills and run quickly and do not look back!

  6. Wait, what exactly is the difference between a colonic and a chick movie marathon? :)

  7. Could backfire… I mean, would you really want a guy that would be such a doormat as to put up with all that shit (literally,shit, it sounds like)?

    Oh, and I’m sure we’re the exception and not the rule, but, 7.5 years with my man, 2.5 as a married couple, and NEITHER of us does the “open door poop.” LOL Neither do we fart in front of one another on purpose. My philosophy is, don’t bust ass in front of me and then expect me to be all hot to jump on your d*ck afterwards.

    • Yeah, or I’m weird, I have no shame, might be why I don’t have a boyfriend ha ha ha! I kid. Yeah I would be fearful of the guy who sticks through all of it

  8. The perfect man for you is one that is willing to screw with you as much as you are them. What you need is a good Irish gamer game with a snarky attitude and lunatic sense of humor. Pity you are not redhead or I would make a play for you! ;)

    • Yes I need a wicked man to put up with me, unfortunately unsavory things come with that; cheating, lying, etc…etc..Irish men huh? Never dated a true Irishman, maybe I should give it a try.

  9. This post was frightening!

  10. Speechless, and at the same time ashamed and terrified.

  11. I love this post for so many reasons. The main one being that I’m probably not wrong about having figured out women.
    If you do manage to get some poor sucker to do the double colonic, I’ve heard that using beer or coffee instead of water could have an interesting effect.

  12. I just stopped back by to let you know that I’ve been songfucked by your Rick roll. Man, is that song an earworm or what?

    • Yeah, I got inspired by a Rick Roll, you can thank this man’s song for conjuring images of double colonics…but my mind wanders to strange places

  13. @ Tony- why not skip the foreplay and make it a “speedball” enema? lol

  14. Pics or it didn’t happen! :-p That is crazy, I wouldn’t do that myself but have fun trying! I could just imagine the suggestion for a colonic now…

  15. You are an evil genius. I’m sad to say I’ve done the chick flick thing and it was rough. Really rough.If you really do subject a man to these things, you can be sure he does like you. A lot.

  16. Uhm… there’s a problem with your first two ideas here, which is that you would be going through the same amount of severely undesirable shit (literally in first example!) that he is. Why should you suffer?
    My advice to you, is to make him prove his worth by him doing it solo in both cases.

  17. You’d have to waterboard me with cat urine to get me to watch even 3 minutes of “Titanic” or any other chick-flick.

    As for the tubular experiences, only if you wear that leather catsuit with suitable ballgag, mistress.

  18. I shat myself laughing at the double colonic part… I may have stomach issues… We’re looking into it…

  19. haha. the rick astley pic is so funny! :D anyway, surely you’ll find that one guy that will put your faith back in all men.

  20. Chivalry may not be dead, but it’s crippled and in hiding, occasionally lured out by a pretty smile and some really good cooking! :)

  21. Any part of this could give a guy a terrible case o de blues…… and a side of browns and yellows with a nice cheap red wine ,,,, just for ballast and ballistics and a roll of toilet paper for the tears that are sure to follow.

  22. tandem colonic? chick movies? slobbering drunk dinner? sounds like a fun evening to me ;-)

  23. Hey there – love your work, so I’m sending a little shout-out your way @ http://findingwonderwoman.com/2012/04/11/oh-why-thank-you/

  24. ashleypatterson21

    Can we include mild genital electrocutions? :P

  25. Fun post! But I’m glad you’re kidding around! Playing games is never a successful strategy.

  26. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a clean colon, must be in want of a wife…L

  27. If I had it to do all over again the only thing that would keep me from becoming the weird old lady who lives with 47 cats (I like dogs also, so I’ve got to have at least two or three dogs too) is the memory of Aunt Frances. When her husband died she pretty much made a life of watching Jimmy Swaggart, sending most of her SS check to Jimmy Swaggart, eating anything and everything remotely edible, and having an open door policy with all the neighborhood stray cats.

    I don’t want to become Aunt Frances for a number of reasons. I don’t want to be constrained to a wardrobe of 4X muu-muus. I don’t want my house to smell like rotten ass and cat piss. I have a deep disdain for televangelists. But, should I find myself alone I probably won’t be in too big of a hurry to land myself another man. Too much maintenance for too little return.

    I like my quiet time especially at my age. And since the old man has ED, it’s not like I get any action anyway. I learned a long time ago that there ain’t no Coupe de Ville in that Cracker Jack box. (my apologies to the singer, Meatloaf!)

  28. How to make a man go crazy in 10 days or less? Is the title of your new book minus the question mark. I added that because I think thats what you’re going for. :-)

  29. So wrong and yet so right. Careful though, ‘He’ may enjoy some of these things a little too much.
    :-)

  30. Why do women always go for the dirtbags who make life hell for insescure nerds like me?

  31. I showed my husband an article that stated men who do the dishes have more sex. He NEVER complains about doing the dishes anymore…

  32. XD looks like you need the male version of snarkysnatch to dance this tango!

    ~C

  33. You may have a sound strategy here, Sheena.

  34. If the chick flicks don’t work, try musicals!

  35. Yep, it’s tough out there. I’m back on the market too, but this time I’m breaking out my Spartacus gear for protection. There’s a lot of weirdos and heartbreakers out there. Here’s to the War on Dating. Lol. Have fun girl. Knock ‘em dead!

  36. What the men did to u Sheena?? Why so competitive and malicious…??
    I think u just get wrong experience and your attitude fill up the misunderstand..what’s wrong if a man look and get interested on your “Vagina” you should be happy or proud about that.
    Many women they dream to be in your position (if is true),think about that!!
    My point of view is a Male one of course,but have relation sex involve or not just help us to grow and learn from another person.
    Good Luck Marco.

    • Um you do realize it’s a joke…right? Like, it’s not serious, I wouldn’t really do that. My blog is mainly stupid stuff that I happen to think up and write about.

  37. Took me a while to read all the way through as my bowels got all twisted up at the whole colonic thing … and I totally think Marco would play along.

  38. I feel like I’ve already been on that date. This type of revenge plan seems to happens often. Probably because males are super awesome.

  39. My favorite all time post of yours! Are you going to tell them the were “Rick-Rolled” at the end of the date or just let them figure it out themselves?

  40. WordsFallFromMyEyes

    This was great!! I’m single alas, alas, but never thought about that aspect – what a man will do. It’s a total dump to think you’re starting a relationship & find they f*koff once you’ve been together. Sigh…..

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