Aerobicidal Tendencies

I workout. I workout to maintain a semblance of physical fitness. I’d lie if I said it was all about health, wellness and endurance. I’m vain, and I don’t want my butt to jiggle in leggings. Which, by the way, I love leggings. I bought a pair of leopard print ones that channel my inner Peg Bundy. They’re pretty awesome.

Style. Class. For the win.

I did a post about driving and an example of random thoughts I have on any given commute. Well, this is a post about random thoughts that I have before, during and post workout. Here goes:

I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go. I’ll have one more cup of coffee and then I’m ready. Ugh, I think my muscle is kind of pulled. This coffee is delicious. Perhaps one more rest day won’t hurt? No, no, I have a high school reunion coming up.

When the fuck is science going to make us bionic? I for one cannot wait.

It’s off to the gym and the dreaded parking lot. Why in bloody hell do you insist on trying to park as close as possible to the front door when you are going to exercise? Oh my God, you do not have to run me over to get the space.

“You’re good on this side.”

I’m inside, now I have to swipe this membership card of me, the one that looks almost as bad as my driver’s┬álicense.

“You sound like a sexy cheeseburger”

I’m ready, let’s do this

I like to stretch in inappropriate overtly sexual ways, but it’s because I need my hamstrings to loosen, not for attention

Inevitably, the female in me starts to look around at other women working out so I can self loathe some more by making irrational comparisons…..

Fuck You

Fuck You

You’re Cool

The View is apparently the only thing on TV for the first four hours of the day, damn you “Baba Wawa”.

Why does this show seem four hours long?

Perhaps some music? I forgot to charge my iPod, and my headphones appear to have been tied in knots by boy scouts. Audible sigh of frustration.

I need to know that I’m too sexy today: sad face.

What the hell are these hens clucking about? It’s like an hour of who can talk over who the loudest about menopause.

“Vaginas and stuff, cluck cluck cluck”

There are treadmills in Catholic hell ( their version of hell seems pretty shitty). I’m sure of it, reserved for the most wicked of souls.

“No one at my gym will simulate the Ok Go video with me, something lame about injuries and my being a stranger.”

I’m finally done, I hurt everywhere, I’m covered in sweat, and I stink. I’m gonna look like a stone cold fox in my leopard print leggings.

I have lofty goals in life and need a date to the Golden Corral with these bad boys.

I’m getting dressed in the locker room, and some of these women refuse to put clothing on. They complete their entire morning routine naked, as if they were home. I mean it’s cool, whatever, but bending over to blow dry your hair…not flattering ma’am. Now then, I imagine the men’s locker room looks like this:

Satisfied with these mental images and my extensive knowledge of menfolk, I leave. I feel accomplished and powerful, like an extreme couponer. I will start the madness over again tomorrow. Good day.

38 responses to “Aerobicidal Tendencies

  1. Your best post yet. Very funny! Especially the “Fuck you’s” and then “You’re Cool”. If you want to avoid the View and the other women, do what I do and jog on the roads not at the gym. It’s free too!

    • Yeah, I do that too in the summer. I am not one to battle the elements so it’s indoor workouts for the winter. Now that its summer I do get outside. You’re so right, there’s nothing better than running in sunshine :)

    • Yeah, I do that too in the summer. I am not one to battle the elements so it’s indoor workouts for the winter. Now that its summer I do get outside. You’re so right, there’s nothing better than running in sunshine :) Oh and thank you so so much!

  2. I wish they would put The View on at my gym. That way I wouldn’t have to watch the same infomercial on 9 TV’s.

    • Oooooh dang, yeah I’ll have to say the view would be better unless it’s Tony Little, the short dude with the ponytail? I love that guy, Why does he scream? lol

  3. Reblogged this on the Pub servation and commented:
    this is funny. good post

  4. Where I live, I can exercise outdoors all year long. Maybe you should move?

  5. BAHhahah! It’s funny you should mention the ‘comparing yourself to other women’ thing. I have been thinking about that lately. Recently I read an article that basically stated men are generally a lot more accepting of various body sizes. That it’s actually the women feeling the need to compete with other women. The idea has merit. I can’t help compare myself to other women I see, especially if I am interacting with them on some way (like, say a new girl walking into volleyball, as opposed to just a random person I see in Walmart.) I began to wonder how many other women do this? Am I just really insecure and pathetic?

  6. Rass… I might actually GO to the gym after this!

  7. ME! I will simulate the OKGO video with you!! Similarly, people in Dentopia are hesitant to treadmill dance with strangers. It makes me sad to think this is universal. Perhaps we should video our collusion and youtube so people know it’s okay?? Nothing bad can happen during treadmill dancing. Only overt JOY.

  8. gooooooooood leggings. Peggy would be proud.

    Bug @ STYLEoverSENSE

  9. This is inspired satirical and sarcastic comic brilliance! Loved it! Lol :-D

    And you’re never gonna believe this, but right now I’m sitting here drinking coffee as I’m trying to put off my workout just a little bit longer. Really. Lol

    But I’ll be skipping wearing the leopard print leggings this evening – cause they’re in the wash… :-)

  10. As always! You have the view of things that make people laugh. Sorry for the dribble but I’m wiping tears from my eyes from laughing so hard. Thanks, I will put the check in the mail. LOL
    All the best.

  11. I don’t ever go to an actual gym because there are more vaginas prancing around there than the Vivid Entertainment office.

    • yes! ha ha ha! I’m a little intimidated at times. I am not one to wander around with out my clothes, I’m cool with myself…but the naked walking about should be for home alone time.

  12. Hahaha. Too damn funny. Sounds about like my painful excursions to the gym. Last week they took my “profile” picture. I didn’t think it was possible, but I am certain it was actually worse than my license… and that speaks volumes. Hilarious post. Nice legs.

  13. First of all, good for you for working out at all. Secondly, I want to express my very sincere thanks for the image of all the nekkid ladies working out in the locker room.
    Rock the cheetah skins. Rock ‘em!

    • I fully plan on rocking them! Yes, the ladies walk around totally naked, more so depending on the gym YMCA is more family oriented, so less of that but Gold’s Gym it’s more boobs than a strip club! Well, not that many but there is always at least one naked chic walking around.

  14. Thanks for addressing what we all do with “fuck you’s” and the “you’re cool”. Now to explain to the professor about why your post made me laugh… Well that’s another story. XD

    ~C

    • I think it goes through every woman’s mind. It doesn’t matter those girls work their butts off to look like that, I just want be so catty!

  15. Darron vanman

    Can u put my blog on your blog roll?

  16. I liked those first two girls you said FU to. Do you know them? Can you pass a yessss!/no/maybe note to them from me on my behalf.

    So, you are probably wondering: how’s Dave doing? Rich/Famous/Paid in the Shade. These statements may not be entirely true.

    I think you may have inspired my to attempt a little cartoonery, myself, based on an earlier post of yours.

    Also, are you down with Stumbleupon? I found it to be super cool.

    • No, I have heard to get on that though lots of interesting stuff. I don’t know those gals but if I did, I would hook you up for sure. I am a great “wingman” so to speak! I have wondered where you have been, it’s hard to keep up with all you bloggers :) How have you been?

  17. The Golden Corral near me closed and now they’re turning into a kinky strip club… still gonna be ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT. Good you workout and wear leggings, because most women around here look like they got slapped with a bag of nickels!

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