It Could Always Be Worse

If you have a Facebook account, and you probably do because even Amish Acres  is on board with social networking. You may notice some of your friends post some pretty negative status updates. For example: “I’m sad about everything, I bit the side of my mouth and it hurts… no one appreciates me.” I mean, that may not be verbatim, but pretty close. At this point I would like to add that I giggle when that one smart ass “likes” those kind of status updates. I usually ignore it and check out whatever Cracked.com article is posted or focus my hate on memes that are not funny.

I would like to take a moment to address the negative Nelly’s out there and say cheer up, things can and will at times, be worse. I have provided some examples of how I justify small frustrations in my life that do suck:

The amount of chocolate I ate today is absurd. Inconsolable shame…

I did not, however, do too much meth today.

My boob cleavage is sub par.

My butt cleavage is amazing

My gynecologist looks like this…

My gynecologist could be this…

I don’t really know what to write today

I’m still smarter than animals.

I only got a regular ol’ burger…sans cheese

My hair looks awesome…

I’m hormonal and bloated

It’s not spontaneous explosive diarrhea.

I have no idea where my money goes…

I didn’t spend it on this movie

Lowes employees STILL send me butthurt comments over a fairly old post…

Sorry that store is balls, and I stand by my original post statements.

So in conclusion, chillax, post some eCards, not everything is appropriate for Facebook. More importantly, being happy is an effort not an innate human right. Go hug on a loved one and enjoy all the good things, there’s an innumerable amount if you start counting.

Suck It Bear Grylls

This week I took a “vacation”. Sort of, but I refuse to acknowledge the word “staycation” as applicable in daily verbalization. I mean who am I Tyra Banks? Have ya’ll noticed she makes up words (thinsperation)? Perhaps not, maybe you remember she uses visual props such as a vulva puppet? You’re killing me Smalls! Moving on.

Stinks McMuff wasn’t invited back on the show…

So, while my son went on a real vacation, with his dad, I made the most of four days off work and explored Tennessee. I ventured beyond Wal Mart and meth labs to bring you a review of my backyard vacation week.

Destination #1 Cummins Falls

Cummins Falls is located in Jackson County, TN. This spot was picked on a whim. This park has a down hill hike to the creek bed. I cursed gravity the whole time because it was pretty steep and I’m no mountain goat. In fact the park ranger met us at the head of the trail and told us take this one instead, I almost thought she intentionally lured me to my death like a land siren of sorts…that didn’t sing, and wore high wasted khaki pants. We (as in my friend and I…yeah I have real friends outside of Facebook) waded upstream almost the entire way, being that the creek is large flat rocks. As you hear the roar of the waterfall, you begin climbing bigger and bigger rocks. As you approach, you can see the top of this waterfall and this is the payoff when you reach the ledge of the swimming hole. It’s a paradise.

BAM Nature splooge in yo face!

You can view the waterfall from so many many beautiful angles

You can walk right under the waterfall, or hang out with dudes in hibiscus flower shorts.

So, in conclusion; this place could only be more magical if it were a waterfall consisting of ice cream. Pros: Great place to swim, and a fun hike to get there. Cons: The ranger tries to kill you.

Destination #2 Fall Creek Falls

Sink Hoooooooooole!

This park made me want to scream “America fucks the world!!!” as loud as I could and with all the redneck pride my body could muster. This park is located in Spencer, TN. The above waterfall was the first sight for me, and you can follow a trail all the way down, to the bottom and swim around beneath this monster. Your brain is not ready, but scroll down anyhow…

Yeah, typical view…everywhere…no big deal

Rudyard Kipling would be so impressed.

I can’t even add enough pictures to explain the beauty. What made this trip particularly more awesome was the fact that a church group of 85 teenagers encouraged a detour off trail. Sorry kids, but no one in this group cares about the Beibs…Well we climbed massive rocks only to discover a secluded swimming hole. The water was so clear, not muddied up like school bus window, because kids have disgusting hands…I would rather swim in stagnant filth full of murky grossness than expose myself to surfaces multiple children touch. I’ve been once and have seen only a small portion of the magic that goes on there. I fully intend on more trips and probably more posting, if I don’t run away to live there among the wild animals. I’d look pretty sweet in a leaf suit. Pros: Challenging hiking that promises gelatin muscles afterwards. Cons: There are church groups with 85 flipping kids strong that go there.

Destination #3 Burgess Falls 

Located in White County, TN. This Park has a gorgeous trail that gradually leads you to the base of a 136 foot waterfall. This was actually an adventure last week but worth writing about rather than the park I went to this day. Here’s the link to Montgomery Bell Park if you’re interested. Now back to Burgess Falls…

Tick, tick BOOM

The trail is easy to get down…but entirely uphill on the way back up. At some point I saw angels directing me with traffic signals to heaven.

baby falls along the way…

Yes, you can walk right to the rocky edge of the top of the waterfall, the view is vertigo inducing yet spectacular.

The best part, you wander off trail just a little bit and you find these mysterious buildings and fallen bridges. It looks post apocalyptic. Pros: If you don’t have crazy long hours, this is a good destination, there is not a ton of hiking involved if you stay on trail. A pretty waterfall, duh, and cool abandoned man made fixtures. Cons: There are multiple snake sightings in the water below the falls. “There’s a snake in my boot!” ….”Somebody’s poisoned the waterhole!” Okay, okay I’ll stop. Also a con, when you Google images this douche pops up.

Destination #4 Rock Island

Located in Rock Island, TN (no way! Surely you do jest sir!). This was yet another remarkable day in nature.

The waterfalls appear to come straight out of holes in rock, it’s surreal. The large ferns that grow over the openings make the whole park feel like your a koi fish in a meditation pond. There are literally waterfalls everywhere, like stupid internet memes…everywhere. There are also places to swim, from a sandy designated swim area to secluded swim holes like this:

You can rock hop further than one day will allow

Getting slightly lost ended up being the crowning jewel of the trip. Less people at this site too. There aren’t big waterfalls but small trickles of water from rocks covered in the brightest green flora I have ever seen. The entire area is lush and hidden, like you were let in on a secret.

I really cannot describe in words or show enough pictures that convey how preserved this area felt, as if it were untouched for millions of years.

Again this park is huge, there’s a cave, and huge trails that I didn’t even have close to enough time to explore. Pros: I felt I was dropped off on another continent that day. Cons: The locals, for starters they look like Fankie Muniz, and I asked one man where the waterfalls were (I didn’t know like every freaking where) and he said, ” Ya mean da water fallin off tha rocks? The water?” Yes, yes I meant that. Meanwhile his kid materialized with his face in my car window, I think if I didn’t catch him he would have sucked my soul out of my mouth or something, that damn phantom kid scared me.

 It seems being broke on a kid free week was more spectacular than imagined and all this amazing land is relatively close. So, essentially my week of parks was a full tank of gas and a lifetime of great memories with cool people.

Excuse Me, I Just Arted

Hello WordPress citizens and illegal aliens! I made mention of my art show in prior comments, but never in my actual blog. Some of you may be surprised to even know I’m involved in the arts. That’s because you never pay attention to me in this one-sided relationship, where has the magic gone? Aren’t you attracted to me anymore? I feel so unappreciated. What’s happened to us? You use me.

Seriously, Friday night was a big deal in the life of Sheena. I had a 10 piece art show with other local artists who, I got to say had mad talent. I felt that initial panic when I started hanging my work next to these folks. I felt like I wasn’t up to par, you know like Chloe Kardashian or the balding Bee Gee. I for one would be envious of such lustrous, beautiful hair belonging to the other two Bee Gee members. I imagine the amniotic fluid of celebrity babies achieved their crown of glorious locks or some kind of Satanic practice.

This is the hair sonnets were written about.

The evening went perfect. I was immersed in a collection of people who share the same passion I do for art. Not the patronizing, “Oh, nice…okay so did you see the monkey on You Tube that drinks it’s own pee?” I haven’t looked yet, but I’m sure this is available on there, monkeys are dumb. I mean so you’re the smartest animal next to humans…that’s still pretty dumb. I love being the dominant species, and drinking Red Bull instead of urine. Well, same difference really…

Oh yeah, the art show. There was live music and performances, wine and sangria…cookies. I mean, could it go bad? Well sadly, my camera has pictures of my complete display and as luck would have it I cannot find my cord so I may load the pics. Well, I have managed to come up with a couple of pics:

This is the piece I sold!

The above is a take on Loteria Cards. It’s a traditional Mexican card game of chance like Bingo (so it’s a geriatric favorite there too?). I fell in lust with the art on them and made some pop art out of them. I would like to personally thank my rug from Big Lots for the color scheme!

The following were entered in my art show as well!

“Garden View” I imagine that Frida Khalo looked out of her window to this every morning…

“Anatomical Heart” well…duh…this is why you never throw away canvas ya’ll just paint that shit black and start over- making lemonaide out of lemons!

“Sugar Skulls” Rob Zombie’s “Living Dead Girl” always comes to mind…I can’t help it!

Hopefully, I can get the pictures loaded up and share them soon. How lame of me. Also, I am working on an Esty page and a website for my art so please, stay tuned, don’t change that dial.

Third glass of wine and a sale…yeah I’m feeling great!

This was organized by In Galleries Art if you happen to live in Nastyville, TN perhaps there’s some art you can peep? I mean what else are ya’ll gonna do? Don’t say country music karaoke! What are you a tourist? Check them out the art scene here is dope.

 

UPDATE: The camera cord crisis has been solved, it was under my Archie Bunker armchair all along (thanks Salvation Army you know I love your furniture). Here are some pictures of the rest of my art show:

Protocol for the Stupid

I don’t like going to the doctor. I dislike the full spectrum of the healthcare experience from the receptionist who talks like she eats her own jerk face, to the Family Circle magazines, to kids coughing their pathogenic droplets all about the waiting room. Needless to say, I will try to tough out any ailment I can at home.

Me? Doctor? Nah bro, I’m cool.

I am aware that patient education is a portion of the healthcare spectrum. Sometimes though, I wish it were a little subjective. It just seems like, despite legality issues, when alone in that exam room, the doctor could just keep it real.

“And here, Ms. Smith is a list of reasons why your concerns are stupid.”

UTI or Urinary Tract Infection is probably pretty familiar to the ladies. You, know with our short urethra that has an affinity for attracting bacteria and supporting our decision to watch reality TV shows about wedding dresses. You may know first hand that each voiding feels like you angered a nest of fire ants…with your genitals.

“Put on some Black Eyed Peas this party is going to get ridunkulous”

Men, are more fortunate in this area being that their urethra is much longer than the female urethra. The bacteria has much further to travel before they reach the bladder, ingest bath salts, party their ass off and leave you with a bladder infection.

“I won’t take sulfur and I will pee in every movie, it’s in my contract!”

That being established, most women know when they have a bladder infection. It’s painfully obvious, literally. So, you go to the doctor, and supply a specimen for testing.

“Yep, it’s a UTI”

The doctor returns to tell you what you probably already know. I understand there’s a first time for everything and maybe the patient is not fully aware what’s going on. I’ve only had three of these in my life and the first time I thought I would go into renal failure and be on dialysis for life. Imagine my relief when I only needed antibiotics (and perhaps less alcohol). My last UTI was only about a year ago, I presented my symptoms: blasphemous statements during urination (I’m so sorry baby Jesus). I knew the drill. I just wanted those magic pills to make my bladder rejoice.

Imagine my surprise when the doctor returned with the diagnosis (duh) and began patient education. She went on to actually tell me to wipe “front to back”. I wanted to stop her right there with, “What the fuck yo? You serious right now? Shut your mouth! What am I? Stupid?!” Here I am, at the time 27 years old, being told to wipe my poopsie correctly. She did the correct application underhanded wiping motion, I remember vividly.

The motion was mortifying and I could take no more. I had to interrupt and say “I know, thank you.” I’m sorry lady, I know this is your profession, and I know you’re probably required…but you’re embarrassing me. I suppose next thing she’ll tell me this is a bad idea…

“Call that Japanese guy, tell him it’s a no go, doc says something about unsanitary conditions and Hep A. We can still visit Threedog though…”

I suppose stupidity is common enough that it’s really necessary to tell an adult something like this. Probably Nickelback fans…yeah I didn’t factor in that variable. My bad.

S.A.D. Makes me Sad

My most emo days are snow days

I hate winter. I hate it more than almost everything, except maybe Nancy Grace talking about her kids and kids on leashes. If our seasons had an asshole, winter would be the physical manifestation of one. Personifying winter only antagonizes my hate because it gives it focus. With one obvious reason to hate winter, (it’s fucking cold) I happen to have many, many reasons for such disdain. I hate winter so much I am about to get specific and this is only a morsel off the buffet of reasons winter sucks.

My Son Takes Twice as Long to Get in the Car

You want to take your own car kid?Didn’t think so.

It never fails that while I hold open the door, that he’s still a little too small to properly open and shut, he cannot just make a straight line to the car. He actually stops to pick things off the ground, points at nothing in the sky, or suddenly realizes the earth is a beautiful place full of fantasy and wonder. In my mind I am screaming, “I will leave you here like Kevin McCallister if you don’t come on!” and yet I say, “Come on sweetie, we need to go.” I say this with patience…twice. It seems the cold effects his hearing as well, because he walks slower. I reach panic mode when the wind whips around me and I instantly want to give God a big warm hug in heaven. I then say, “Kid, you got to move your body faster, like much faster, now. If you love humanity you’ll get in this car.” Puzzled, he gets in the vehicle. How he is impervious to the deadly cold (albeit 40 degree) weather, I don’t know. I just saw a tunnel of white light and heard “Candle In the Wind” playing.

Warming Up the Vehicle

Quitting time = blatant disregard for all life even my own…

I have always been a fan of key, ignition, gas, and go. I hate having to let my car warm up. For starters, I forget and it makes me late, quite often. I walk outside and and for shit’s sake!!! There’s frost all over the window. This will put me ten minutes behind, meaning my coffee stop allotment is…18 seconds. Trust, I love coffee, ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no river wide enough…etc, etc. My last job was probably the worst job I’ve had to date. When I got off work there, I couldn’t vacate the premises fast enough or with enough middle fingers in the air as I peeled out. No joke I would Tokyo drift out that bitch it was so miserable there. We weren’t allowed to go to our car to warm it up before leaving, so you can imagine how unhappy I was about the whole situation. I could either start my car up and wait in the deepest level of Dante’s hell, or I could go back inside that fortress of doom and wait for my car to warm up (which to me would be like a POW hanging out an extra day with his captors upon gaining freedom) or leave with a cold engine. Well, I chose speed away with teeth chattering, my engine may suffer but better that than stifling my loosely veiled disgust for all the turdburglers working in there. I can only be professional for eight hours, after hours it’s beyond my control.  I no longer work there, coincidentally, I don’t pray for a 40 day flood to get me out of work anymore either.

Starbucks Makes Itself Suck More as a Corporation Hell Bent on my Unhappiness.

Dean got hit in the face with a ham? That’s what this picture is. How did I miss that?

I don’t really even go to Starbucks until winter, why then? Well I’ll tell you, keep your pants on.  Cafe Mocha, it’s got enough sugar and chocolate to make Paula Dean swoon ya’ll, and add butter…and well she’s getting the vapors for this drink. Considering I have the cold tolerance of any nursing home resident, this is a favorite warm treat. I hold it’s hot goodness in my hands, and can feel blood circulating in my marbled fingers again. I smell the chocolaty aroma and my heart is human. I drink, and I feel a satiating warmth that only a redneck in a bed full of Bloodhounds and cousins could feel on such a chilly day. Guess who seems to not have their chocolate syrup when yours truly stops by? Starbucks. Guess who never has one element of any drink and bad customer service in addition to poor inventory management? The Starbucks in my local bookstore (bastards). I found some local shops that have some yummy things, but I can’t help that the Cafe Mocha specifically, from this evil corporate chain, completes me.

If you buy the box set…you’re surely the dumbest person ever. The show is an eternal flame.

There are many reasons to hate winter. Christmas music that starts in October and driving in the snow. Perhaps it’s being inside so much you realize that Law and Order is on a 25 (yep) hour rotation, it never goes off…the sun rises and sets with that show as if it’s the British Empire in the days of yore. Seasonal Affective Disorder is the worst, amazing how sunlight weighs so heavily on my mood. Suck it winter. One day I’ll defeat you.

Netflix Recommendations: Retro Style

My most recent Netflix movie viewing was a little film called The Boys Next Door starring Charlie Sheen and Maxwell Caulfield. Made in 1985, it’s an independent film about what happens when you hang out with Charlie Sheen.

The Boys Next Door shows the reckless crime spree of two high school boys in Los Angeles.  Bo (Sheen) admits he would just like to “go caveman”. I guess meaning, get Geico insurance and adhere to a stringent diet that abolishes all conventional foods provided by agriculture advancements. His buddy, Roy (Caulfield) says there is “something inside him”. The something I assume is evil, or a bad taco….not sure but both can cause the squirties. (thhpppppssppp!)

Anypoop, they beat up a gas station attendant as their first crime, leaving him hospitalized. This incident has two tough talking detectives hot on the trail with their keen skills and intuitive detective work. The guys are good, so good you would think that they were provided characters that magically know where their suspects are at all times, oh wait…

Well, on to the beach party. Where Roy throws a glass bottle at an elderly lady brow beating some pot smokers. This enrages three bikini clad concerned citizens that try to beat up the boy’s car to teach him a lesson. It looked like a Billy Idol video. Roy takes off with one girl on the roof of the car, she falls off and lives to aid her friends in shaking her fist at the vehicle as it speeds away. Take that!

This was on pintrest….now I’m convinced to set up an account.

The boys are suckered into going to gay bar. Roy gets pretty pissed and tries to fight a Borat look alike. I’m not sure why all gay men from 80′s movies look like Borat…but they do, making Borat even funnier than before. Roy chokes the guy after they fool him into thinking he’s going to get sweet high school boy action at his apartment. What a bummer. On a side note here, some high school boys are incredibly hot. I feel ashamed for thinking so. I like to call them a “Vili” because they are so hot and look far too mature for their age, I want to “Mary Kay Latourneau” them.( I recognize double standards makes this acceptable but I am really kidding.)

Roy spins out of control, and his blood lust increases. They pick up a girl who doesn’t really think Roy is all that awesome but she likes Bo. Like any sef-respecting girl, she invites both guys back to her apartment to talk about fortune telling, astrology…moons and shit. Those new age chicks always die in movies, so I knew it was coming (predict that!). Roy goes into a an ape rage when her and Bo start banging. He kills her too, which, obviously pisses Bo off.

The boys return to their car only to discover that the police have swarmed it. The cops spot the two and give chase. There’s a stand off in the mall (and again what was the mall obsession in the 80′s?)  and the guys get their asses beat by the most bad ass female mall cop wielding a night stick, ever. She was like the Jackie Brown of mall security. The chase sequence was hands down the best, the 80′s is always good for a chase sequence no matter what the movie is about or how serious it is. It even had the silly, hiding behind an object and the pursuers run by without noticing bit. Why did 80′s filmmakers do this? Breakfast club comes to mind immediately…

In the end the boys are surrounded and the cops are approaching. Roy wants to shoot and Bo wants to surrender. The climatic end is Bo shoots Roy, because well, it wasn’t a bad taco…it was evil. Roy was evil. Bo goes to jail.

I’m so glad Netflix recommended this movie to me, as it knows my heart perhaps better than I do. If you love rock music, biting dialogue and a gripping story line…um, watch something else. This movie is a lot of fun.

Reality TV and Predicting Psychosis

What’s more disappointing than a fight that doesn’t climax into blood shed, bone breakage and  destruction? A girl fight. Specifically, a reality TV girl fight. For whatever reason, this is gaining in popularity, while adversely being the number one channel changing factor in my television viewing.

wait for it….wait for it….wait for it….wait for it….wait for it….

I happened to watch The Bad Girls Club on America’s most accidentally watched channel: Oxygen. Oxygen is trying to be a trendier Lifetime Network. While at any given time on Lifetime you can watch a movie about an evil man (with a penis) stalk a cervical cancer patient who is a successful attorney with an abducted daughter that may or may not be a psychic medium haunted by the ghosts of murdered sorority girls (who are bullied on-line). You think I am being sarcastic I’m not, turn your TV to lifetime, if it’s not a Poise commercial, it’s going be what I described. Tori Spelling may or may not be in this one, when she’s not Kirk Cameron plays the heroine. Yep, he does, he plays the women in Lifetime movies. I don’t make the rules. I obey them.

Now back to Bad Girls Club and shows like it. Following the success of Jersey Shore, it seems like there are more reality shows that showcase dumb girls. I don’t particularly take offense as a woman, we all know reality TV is scripted and just for ratings. Plus, I should be fetching beer and getting pregnant right? Yeah, sounds about right.

Thankfully, my IUD turns my uterus into the final round of American Gladiators for my eggs. Blaze and Ice kicking ass, taking no prisoners…then making out.

My biggest beef with reality TV is the arguing that goes nowhere. I am not sure what producer decided an uneventful shouting match would efficiently fill air time. I hate shouting matches anywhere really, and maybe that’s why I hate it on TV. I’m about action, don’t talk about fighting, get to it. I want to see someone actually bust someone in the mouth not deliberate on it for ten minutes until “security” breaks it up. These people might as well say, “Hey, we’re not really going to fight, just yell alot, don’t waste your time gathering. If security could go ahead and get in between us as we continue to yell but passively allow ourselves to be escorted away that would be pretty cool too.”

“Liar Liar pants on fire!”

The Bad Girls club is the biggest offender of this. Here’s how the show goes:

skank 1: “I’m gonna pop off up in here and go crazy on you bitches!”

skank 2: “I’m drunk and mad, I’m going to yell really loud and not wear panties! I’m about to go crazy!”

skank 3: “I like to yell! Who is not aware I’m a badass? Why am I mad? I don’t remember! Guys think drunk girls are sexy, where are my panties?! Who wants to throw this bitch’s mattress in the pool? I’m about to go crazy!”

Bikinis or nudity is mandatory “One of us, One of us”

That is a summary of the show, if you have DVR, you can play the show at any moment and that’s exactly what’s happening. They additionally like to mention that they are “crazy” or “going to go crazy” as if psychosis has ample warning. Plus if there is an actual fight it will involve a lot of hair pulling, yawn, and then play by play account (and even Joe Rogan can’t make it seem awesome).

Joe Rogan tells Kellogs to fuck off

I’m just saying, when people for serious go crazy they lash out, and do not provide warning. Even if you have an intuitive and let’s face weird ass kid, you don’t get much preparation for the crazy.

Ha! Surprise!

Yeah like that! You know, I’ll just rent a pay-per-view instead.