A Positive Outlook on ObamaCare (This is, like, a current issue)

I am not sure what exactly to think about ObamaCare. To be honest, it’s like what non flammable substance would be best to put out a raging inferno. The raging inferno (or disco inferno) being the mess our healthcare system is right now. However, this is not a political blog ( back zealots!). No platforms here and no opinion other than this; I must find the key to unlock eternal life and beauty, hide the secret, rule the world as a beautiful, perpetually young tyrant that is forever trendy as well.

White pants are a very bold fashion statement

Well now before this does take an unintentional turn toward debate, I simply want to point something out. ObamaCare may or may not be good for our nation but it will probably be better than MedievalCare.

Let me expound unto thee:

DOCTORS

Today, when you go to a doctor, you understand they went through excruciating, soul sucking hours of medical school to earn that degree. You’re pretty confident they know how to read, write, and properly diagnose your ailment and touch you in the “okay” way your parents told you about. Right?

Buuuut I mean you CAN touch my no no zones…

How about the doctors that practiced in the days of yore? Neigh wench, they were not always so handsome, nor as competent as an actor that plays a doctor. Generally, back in the day, healthcare was governed by wealth. Meaning, only the Housewives of Great Yarmouth could afford a physician actually educated in a real school. Of course it seems that a proper school taught such things as; “hyenas are hermaphroditic animals, and elephants are only afraid of dragons.” Below physicians come surgeons, who apprenticed but did not have the formal education of the aforementioned. The poor, infirm, and vagabonds kind of got your “backyard doctor” so to speak, they guy who “know’s whut tha hell he’s doin’”. The working class went to see a barber for a good old “blood-letting” or tooth pulling. Barbers would routinely perform these procedures without any real prior training. They marked their practice with a red and white pole (yeah, yeah like the one’s you see today) to mimic the appearance of bloody gauze that has been washed and hung out to dry. We all know reusing bandages is an awesome idea. If the average Joe was fortunate, he might get to receive treatment from a monk. These guys could at least read medical text, and had enough understanding that some infirmaries later  grew to become hospitals. Perhaps you knew a “wise woman who was a lady who knew some sweet ass herbal remedies and chants to aid in prolonging your life to well, thirty-something. Which is elderly back then. Of course the religious folk started burning them at the stake for witchcraft.

Pssshhhh! Witch, PLEASE!

HOSPITALS

I had to stay overnight in the hospital when I had my kid. I can’t complain, they gave me a shit load of ice and kept the pain pills a poppin’. I’m not a fancy gal, so hell, it felt like being pampered to be honest. So while you may not get the most extravagant room, it’s probably going to be pretty clean. Hospitals loose their ass paying for nosocomial infections (disease directly received while at the hospital) that they have a pretty stringent infection control policy.

Hot damn! Come ooooooon gall bladder obstruction!

Hospitals in shit times, um I mean, Medieval times were nothing Beyonce and Jay-Z would approve of, far, far, from ballin’ so to speak. Nope, hospitals were large rooms where all the sick were placed together. So while you don’t get a private room, your ass didn’t even get a private bed. Hospital beds used to hold 4 to 6 sick people. If you pushed your call light for assistance to bathe, well you got a portable rolling bath tub full of water that is shared with other people in the hospital. Yeah, that dude with syphilis so bad his nose fell off? Well, it’s in the fucking bath water. Who’s got the Calgon? What’s worse is no one could come bring flowers or those blasted Mylar balloons that never deflate. The hospital was dangerously contagious and family usually had to wait until granny got better or died…yeah died.

How on earth are 4 to 6 people going to agree on whether to watch the WB or another Ab Glider infomercial?

TREATMENT

The drug companies are pretty evil in my opinion. I don’t think doctors prescribe simple, natural treatments nearly enough. I also feel that disguising an ailment with a pill only lends to worse disease….whew…okay. Enough. Nonetheless, however Satanic Pfizer may be, their pills pretty much do what their prescribed to do (along with a rigmarole of side-effects). We can agree there right?

“Ya know…I think I’ll test drive them first, doc.”

Well, it was common for a Medieval healthcare provider (I hope they went to their primary for a referral or they will pay out the ass in shillings without a referral) to just go grab some herbs grind them up and see what happens. If you thought to yourself “Gee, didn’t a lot of people die?” Yes, like all the time even before the plague thanks to leprosy and God striking your evil heart with St. Anthony’s Fire or scrofulla…that will teach ye to have unclean thoughts about thy local merchant and pillaging his anally goods.

For example:

Bruises: Cover them with bacon fat and flour (sounds like a fanfuckintastic gravy to me, did Paula Dean prescribe this?)

Internal bleeding: Wear a dried toad in a pouch around the neck

Ringworm- Wash your hair in male urine

The Plague- Drink an alchemist special mix of molten gold, leeches, blood-letting (ya know cut someone and the bad blood is expressed…) place dead animals about the house, eat powdered emeralds

Skin disease- Cover the spot with the skin of a wolf

Kiss eczema goodbye.

Insanity- Trepanning which is drilling a hole in the head for the crazy to escape.

Unkown- Cauterization- get a hot ass iron poker and jab the affected area.

Lastly, if all else fails make peace with God who decidedly smote you with the disease to begin with because you’re a sinner. The church freaking said so.

See? It could be worse right? Glass half full playa!

13 responses to “A Positive Outlook on ObamaCare (This is, like, a current issue)

  1. *snooorrrrrttttt* Awesome. I’ve got a full page of notes for the future now.

  2. niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice

  3. Gynecomastia is a rather vexing condition- look it up- but I am sure that most men, if they had attached boobs of their very own to play with, may never leave the house. :)

    • Yeah I know what it is, though moobs is way funnier. I looked at a lot of them before selecting this pic. It was rather fun I must admit. Google images never fails to impress me.

  4. you do know they still do Leech therapy.. I used to have to be the one to put them on people … they are used in reattached limbs… example: you chop off you finger…the r. Sewa it back on but can only attach arteries (larger). so what happens is blood goes in to the reattached finger.. but cant come back out … the leach saliva is a anticoagulant.. so the blood goes out the holes the leach leaves behind.

    I also seen Maggots used for Debridement.. they only east flesh that is dead. it super freaky to see a bandage moving around with 10 to 15 maggots under it.. ..

    • I’ve seen this on TV and yes it’s gross but awesome all at once. We briefly learned about it nursing school. It’s really interesting! I can’t believe you got to do it though, that’s even more awesome.

      • That’s what 10 years at Vandy (Ortho, burn, trauma, pediatric surgery and Medicine, along with OR experience for cardio-thoracic surgery research — I saw some messed up and amazing stuff happen there) and 3 years of being an EMT will do for you…

        oh and the affordable care act — it the most important thing our county has done for it citizens in over 80 years…. and it about time…

  5. This is great! You know, personally, I think that our healthcare system is great. I mean, if fuggin’ wonderful compared to any bloody thing else out there. But, no, it’s beyond that. We’ve advanced further than ever realistically thought possible within medical circles back in the days of… Phrenology?? I think? I’m too lazy to look it up to be sure.
    Anyway, it’s the damned billing department of our medical system that’s going to hell. And, by god, I bid them adieu and safe passage, cuz I want their asses to get there in one piece so they can feel the burn. Ooooo! Ya like that, Medical Billing Lady? Feels good huh? Oh! You nasty bitch, wit dem flames shootin’ out ya eyeeeeeboles!

    Really I have a kind of disturbing, violent hatred for any medical billing system.
    I mean, how would we respond to the likes of it in any other field or scenario? What would we have to say if we bought our shit at the store, and asked for the price only to hear this response from the checker, “Oh, well, nobody can tell you the actual price hun. For now just pay three hundred for taking up my time and you’ll be receiving a bill shortly”? Then we wait three months and get a bill from Kraft. Only the bill says “Wal-Mart”. SO we pay it. And it’s done. Nope, we then get a bill from Hellman’s mayo. So we call wal-mart, and they know nothing about it. “Oh no” they say, “you’ve already paid us. You don’t owe us a thing”. So we don’t pay and shit goes to collection. This!!!! This is how medical billing works.
    I’m all like, I have all the money I need to pay this alarmingly overpriced bill, just tell me how much to pay. And tell me with one bill, just like the guy who built my house, my checker, my postman, my mistre… oops. Anyway, nothing wrong with healthcare, only cost and billing.

    Thanks for listening. I feel strangely better now.

    • Yes the Billing is nuts, but I agree our advancements are incredible. I think it’s fixable for sure, but I think ppl should also realize healthcare is just now as accessible add it is, it used to be reserved for the wealthy.

    • Also, hello! I haven’t heard from you in a while :)

      • Hi. I’ve been around here reading your stuff. It’s just that, more and more I’m becoming something of a dedicated silent type.
        I love your blog. Always makes me laugh :^)

      • I only have my phone so I don’t comment as much either, WordPress used to send emails when my favorite blogs posted but not now and I find it heard to keep up. I like to catch up on reading when I can. I love blogging I wish I had more time to do it

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