Google Search Users Don’t Understand Kids

Yesterday, I wrote about kids, specifically my kid and the children of the Industrial Revolution. My spawn, as I like to call him. I tell him all the time I am so happy I hatched him. He looks at me with wonder, love and trepidation mostly trepidation. I’m sorry I’m so weird son. I’m also sorry that I’m going to be embarrassing when you’re a teenager.  Please just know I love you, bear with me.

Well, I couldn’t fit this into my post yesterday as it didn’t fully fit the format. Today I will share with you some of the jacked up Google searches I found for children while researching child labor.

All of these began with: WHY DO CHILDREN…. 

1. Scream for no reason?  I tend to agree, have you taken a child to a birthday party? For fuck sake, it’s like a scream fest where they get together and scream, eat cake, only two bites, waste the rest and then scream more.

First a circle scream, then we’ll stand in a line and scream

2. Join the Taliban? Well given it’s optional, it’s probably like summer camp…that teaches suicide bombing and kickball.

3. Souls stay behind? Not all of them, just the souls of poor kids.

soul

4. Overgeneralize words? All children always do this all the time, times infinity.

5. Always stare at me? I like to believe their giving the “evil eye” trying to evoke misfortune in the form of The Black Death to my family and famine to my crops, killing my goats. To counteract this I recommend a vial of lizard blood and skullcap.

6. Play with their poop? It’s organic play-doh

7. Fail in school? Because learning is dumb, duh.

8. Have to suffer? I hope this person shook an angry fist at Google when they typed this rhetorical question. WHYYYYYY????!!!! Damn you!

It’s not fair! Answer me!

9. Vomit at night? Ugh, what the hell is wrong with that kid? I bet because he played with his poop all day and didn’t wash his hands.

10. Use private speech? So adults have no idea that they are plotting when and where they will start screaming, that way it appears unprovoked and spontaneous.

“Why does this happen?”

11. Need vitamins? Those too? I got to feed and water this thing as well? Gah! Can I trade it for a Chia Pet? I’m glad a parent felt the need to research this…

12. Take Xanex? Because lacking responsibilities is stressful.

13. Cry in their sleep? They’re whimpering, probably dreaming about chasing rabbits and squirrels, right? I mean they’re legs are moving like they’re running.

Or because monsters know kids are delicious.

14. Feel the need to access guns? You can’t join the NRA without a gun. You can’t be American without a gun. I’m as proud as a bald eagle.

15. Hate you? Don’t take it personal, they hate all adults, hence the real reason they are constantly screaming.

Lastly a search that did not fit in with the searches above:

Why do Tom Cruise’s kids live with him? 

Fear.

25 responses to “Google Search Users Don’t Understand Kids

  1. Sheena,
    Touché, friend. Touché.
    Le Clown

  2. I really had no idea that nocturnal vomiting was so rampant among kids. No one ever told me. My childhood was utterly wasted.

    • I don’t think I ever visited cousin Ralph in the middle of the night. Then again I have to be so deathly ill to puke, while some people can puke by just thinking about it. My son wasn’t a puker either, so I got to miss that delightful experience.

      Night puking could make for some interesting adventures in parenting, not to mention a dual purpose for those rubber mattress covers that most people (wisely) install on their children’s beds.

  3. Great post. Kids scream so much. Once I asked my niece why she was screaming for no reason and she said, “I AM JUST SO EXCITED AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT BESIDES SCREAM!!!

    I thought it was a fair answer.

    • I screamed a lot as a child. Usually it was because I was getting the hell beaten out of me. That’s what happens when you have a sadistic older sister, an untreated bi-polar mother who’s off on her own planet most of the time, and you’re small, weak and can’t run or fight worth a damn.

      My son was an only child. He only screamed when he wanted to get everyone’s attention in the grocery store.

  4. I was previously worried I will embarrass my kids, and was very sad when I realized I am going to be the embarrassing parent. You’re right , it’s out of love.
    PS – organic play doh – awesome!

    • It is out of love, and I just know that my son will not think it’s awesome that I can sing along to any song on the radio any time Ichange the station. He will soon think that is way uncool and my music is lame. Thnaks!

      • My son does like Rush, (this is a like we have in common) but somewhere he got a taste for techno- a genre that sounds like bad porn movie sound tracks to me, but at least he doesn’t like rap or country.

    • Embarrassing your kid is fun. Especially when you have pics to share with his fiancee.

  5. I think the question is why do children’s parents take xanax

  6. Disable the pay-per-view now, before he figures out he can order porn movies with the cable remote. Seriously, one mother of male offspring to another.

    I learned this the hard way, after being charged for $300 worth of movies with dubious titles such as “Cheerleaders in Heat.” A 12 year old boy is much, much more adept with the use of the cable remote than a forty-something year old man.

    My precious only male child was not quite so adept with blaming said pay-per-view purchases on his Dad, who I know is doing good to figure out how to turn the TV on and off with the cable remote. Just as good measure, I had pay-per-view disabled, and it remains so to this day.

  7. Great ending! Loved that pic of Cruise electrifying Oprah! Lol

  8. Tag, you’re nominated!!!AGAIN!!!I have been enjoying your posts and pure awesomeness and wanted to give you something in return. Congratulations! Here’s my link! http://yourtruthdiet.wordpress.com/2012/07/17/and-the-nominees-are/

  9. I knew kids were the main cause of famine, but I didn’t know that lizard blood was the cure. Me and my neighbors thank you for the advice.

  10. I do not have children but I have a decent amount of experience due to my large family. I will say, Some of these struck a chord. However children do throw up at night when they have the flu. So do adults, some adults call it college.

    My grandmother used to keep candy in dishes around her house and the first time I visited her I ate way too much candy.. AND I blew candy like chunks that night.

  11. Why do children play with their poop? Why do children feel the need to access guns? Why do children join the Tailban? Why do children take Xanek? What the hell kind of world do we live in!? Over-medicated Taliban kids playing with poop and guns? I guess it sounds a little more interesting than my childhood. I’m sure they’ll have awesome stories to tell someday, right? “Back in my day, before playing with your own poop was considered ‘weird’…”

  12. As the kids say.. OMG, this was AWESOME!!!

  13. First off I would like to say awesome blog!
    I had a quick question that I’d like to ask if you don’t mind.
    I was interested to find out how you center yourself
    and clear your mind before writing. I have had a hard time clearing
    my thoughts in getting my thoughts out there.
    I do enjoy writing but it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes
    are lost simply just trying to figure out how to begin.
    Any suggestions or hints? Thanks!

    • Hello and thank you! My suggestion, write down random thoughts then elaborate on them when you go to write. Most if my posts evolve from random thoughts. Read the news our type in google searches randomly. I find more material typing, “why do…”and letting google work it’s magic. good lick my friend

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