My Most Hated Show

Hi folks, I’m BAAACK. I have missed you, give me some sugar!

I firmly believe television is making us, as a nation collectively dumber. I’ll go ahead and mention the obvious offenders; Maury Povich, Jerry Springer, Teen Mom, Jersey Shore, and the list could go on forever.

However, reality TV has been a time filler for better programming for a long time. You know like that freckled face asshole kid who you don’t really want to play with but the kid you like in your neighborhood is on vacation. So you have to sit in his room and view his paint sample collection or listen to him talk about summer camp while every vocalized pause makes you concurrently want to punch his face into oblivion. I mean it, punch his face so hard it becomes a black hole and sucks all surrounding matter into it.  Also, his mom is a whore, no that’s not innapropriate.

So what’s trending on television that I dislike the most? MORE than reality television?

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CSI Miami….boom.

Alright, I’ve mentioned before that Law and Order is the eternal flame of television, and is on all hours, all days, most channels all the fucking time. However CSI Miami is following close behind.

What could be wrong with this show besides everything? Well, let’s get specific.

1.The forensic pathologist is either being held captive in the autopsy room or she has a mental disorder.

This lady is always available to perform an autopsy, actually, she’s always alone. I mean, you never see “Butch” fill in for her while she’s on vacation. If you think one can remain in a basement full of dead folks and not be a little touched you might be wrong. I’ve witnesses several episodes where she speaks to the victim asking, “What story do you have to tell me?” Why do you think she asks? Because in her mind they answer. I’ve also witnessed a creepy degree of affection, such as hair stroking or face petting. Unfortunately the camera changes to an highly color saturated shot of sexy people partying in a boat before you witness her kissing, fondling, and possible attemps at ressurection.

2. This is an inaccurate portrayal of Miami citizens.

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We all know, thanks to the news reminding us like every day, that America is full of fatty-fat-fats. They take candid shots of overweight people from behind as proof. Now, let me say right here if News 5 in Nashville ever shows a picture of a fat ass that makes me say, “Oh I have those pants, I was downtown today, I spilled ice cream into my crotch when I sat on a bench….oh boy.” That will be a reckoning day, and day one of my newest new diet. I can’t get really fat, or I’ll find Cathey comics funny…no body wants that to happen to them. No, no, according to this show, everyone in Miami is sexy, rich, and parties on boats. Everybody owns a boat or a Hummer. Maybe they party in a Hummer on a boat, who cares they’re beautiful (and rich). Nothing has to make sense when you’re beautiful (and rich).

3. The staff is overqualified to be mere detectives for Dade County.

For starters, you have to be attractive to work CSI. No fuddy duddy uglies on this crew. These agents shoot better than the SWAT team and often go ahead of amored officers in their power suits only to fire all fatal shots. Every time they shoot the bullets they even hit their target while they go in slow motion, that’s pretty amazing. They are trained on all forensic equipment; microscopes, DNA analysis, fancy sound equipment (They also produced an album for Rick Ross).

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and he's still hustlin

They know how to do it all (becasue detectives often do serum blood typing or fiber analysis). Although I’m sure why they need it being they catch EVERY detail in all video, audio, and physical evidence. Meaning they should just say, “I already saw that juxtaposed image at .00032 seconds, but I want to show off by having you pause and rewind…and now for my witty remark.” Which also leads me to say, they are witty, one liners that hit with more impact than face on asphault after a poorly devised stunt goes terribly wrong. Which ends up on Rob’s Ridiculousness, another show I hate. It should be called Rob says unfunny things while that white bitch laughs at everything, fucking everything.

4. The CSI equipment and computer programs

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testing for semen AGAIN

While that handy computer searches for finger print matches, I feel more like I am selecting a player to fight with on X Box than I am watching the retrival of suspects. Perhaps fighting with a sexy player though, because even the criminals are sexy, only in Miami. The staff has a high tech laboratory capable of any kind of analysis, ever. I’m not sure why Miami payed for a laboratory that looks like the newest credit union they just built down the road from me. It has like modern glass and shit everwhere, the future needs a lot of glass everywhere. Furthermore, I don’t know what the laboratory workers actually do there. You see them, briefly, but the CSI detectives pretty much have to do their job for them, clearly, they’re incompetent. No one really needs safety equipment. Beautful people don’t wear goggles, chemicals know not to spill in their captivating, dreamy eyes.

5. The agents themselves.

The self satisfyed smirk they get on their beautiful faces everytime they find evidence, everytime they out wit a super smart criminal, every time they fucking speak. I always say they won’t get me to confess to shit, ever. I’d say, “Where’s my lawyer, an ugly one, go suck a bag of dicks.” I’d rather be found guilty in that courtroom than look at their smug faces when I stumble into confessing. I’d also put my fingers in my ears when they tried to talk, yes like a child, because I refuse to listen to their smarty smart remarks.

5. Horatio Caine (this Asshole)

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He actually found that in a butt without the aide of metal detectors

I only have room for one bad ass ginger in my heart, it belongs to Chuck Norris, aka, Walker Texas Ranger. I watched Mr. Norris defeat a bunch of bad guys in a nursing home, not a yaht, that’s real. This dude responds faster than the police (who let’s face it are worthless too) and the ambulance (also not needed because the agents know a bunch of medical shit too). He gets like babes, I mean it, total babes to date. They always happen to be a victim’s relative, which means he’s a preditor. I know your playing the “friend game” dude, I know. He’s a police force unto himself. The whole show I mock him in an incredibly immature fashion.

You probably wonder why I would watch this show? Well simple, it’s that or a show about wedding dresses, housewives, or people bidding on storage facilities. I mean what else is on before King of the Hill?

32 responses to “My Most Hated Show

  1. Sheena.
    One would have thought David Caruso would have stayed buried in his Jaded attempt to hit the big screen… pun fucking intended.
    Le Clown

  2. As a fatty-fat myself, I prefer a little fantasy….

  3. Can you, like, sell some art and buy a new laptop? Or, maybe, do some bartering with a computer store–let them commission some wall mural or some art for their store from you in exchange for a new desktop computer. Or something. Because the world would like to hear more from you; you are freaking hilarious.
    CSI Miami is filmed by morons who think a lot of BRIGHT green and yellow light is the best thing ever. And David Caruso talks like a kidstalker, and Emily Proctor wouldn’t know how to use a full voice to save her life. Everything out of her mouth sounds like “wispy wispy wispy wispy….”. I hate them and want them to die awful deaths.

    • Thanks! Yeah I have a deviant art page that I can’t even load new pictures of my art on. I’m seeking prints on there. Arrrg. I am so frustrated! Thank you though hopefully I can steal a laptop soon ha ha. I hate Emily proctor too! her smug little smileis the worst! I do however like those smart pant suits….

  4. You mean that show is’t real ?????
    Good to have your words again , even w/out pics.

  5. I’m holding out for the new Dallas show, about to start here in the UK, some things must get better with age, they must! :-/

  6. I LIKE YOUR POST, Sheena! xD

  7. I cannot *STAND* Horatio. If he competed with Kristen Stewart over who showed less expression, it would be a tough call. Involving bad-ass photo equipment. In a lab. With microscopes. And smarmy lab technicians.

  8. Hey Sugar Plum (I feel like you’re the only blogger I can get away with calling a pet name, you’re just cool like that)

    Anyway, I’ve nominated you for 2 blog awards, the Most Inspiring Blog award and the One Lovely Blog award. Please consider passing on the good vibes to your favorite bloggers!

    Check out the nomination here:
    http://terahvandusen.wordpress.com/2012/08/26/get-to-know-me-better-awards-announcement/

    Terah

  9. A-to-the-Men! Yes! I absolutely agree with everything you said about CSI Miami. I HATE that show. I REALLY hate David Caruso’s acting and his character in that show. He never smiles. If by some freaky accident he does, it looks more like a rigormortised corpse is being forced to show teeth. Did he get botoxed or something? It seems like he has no facial expressions at all. And his delivery is always a monotone, no matter how upset/pissed/happy/sad he may be. Same tone for all situations. And the sunglasses do NOT make him look cool. Ugh.

    Sorry to hear about the ‘puter. I’m in the same boat. I have to borrow the hubby’s old laptop to get online, which is missing the ‘m’ key, and so to make that letter work I have to push directly on the board thingy and poke my finger on these little metal mounts. Grr. So I feel ya… Hope you are able to fix or replace your computer soon.

  10. But but but… I LOVE HORATIO! He’s the bestest of all the CSI folks – for the very same reasons you hate him, apparently!

  11. BAHhaha! I had a professor (Forensics, she actually worked with the Crime Scene Unit in my old home town) and she HATED CSI. This was probably before ol’ Horatio was on the scene really heavy, but same idea. It’s just SOOO inaccurate. Don’t you love how the science ppl GO TO THE scene of the crime. People that collect evidence at crime scenes often never see it once it’s been passed down the chain of custody, let alone know the outcome of the investigation (which likely takes weeks, months, or even years, not just DAYS.) And those cutesy little fingerprint and photo matches… well, it would be one hell of a long show if they REALLY had to sit there and wait for a match to come up! LOL

    • I know, I guess for entertainment purposes though they must do this. I’m just a turd who picks the show apart. More like rips it apart. BUT I still watch it.

      • Yeah, I guess it would really bore ppl if they had to wait and watch the whole REAL process. LOL. And I am the same way. Even for non-realistic stuff.

      • First 48 is really good. There have been some episodes that got so intense I cried. I doubt this show is fake…being that the detectives don’t always solve the case. I think the ones they solve the criminals are just way too messy.

      • WordsFallFromMyEyes

        Wot? You CAN’T pick THAT show apart??

  12. Superman is Chuck Norris’ secret identity. Also, “Suck a bag of dicks” may be the best blog category in the history of ever. online hug :-)

  13. WordsFallFromMyEyes

    Jerry Springer doesn’t make y’all dumber, does it – just more aware??

    Another great article! Great pages. And what do you mean you’re back. Have you got a new name? Loving it anyhow :)

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