Hello WordPressers, stalkers and prison wives. What is today’s topic you ask? Keep your pants on, I’ll tell you. Divination. What’s that? It is an occultic method used to foresee the future or gain insight on the past and present. All of which are inspired by
higher omnipotent forces (Santa). Boom boom pow.
I first read about divination in Mental Floss magazine. My new favorite magazine.
Suck it Ladies Home Journal, you and me, we’re through. You knew what this was. Anywho, I anxiously anticipate each new issue like I do Maury going off and The Simpsons coming on. Plus, reading this makes me feel impressed with how smart I seem. Almost as impressed a when I poop a letter shape.
The magazine only had a short snippet of some strange divination techniques. Such as Cephalomancy which is placing a donkey head on hot coals, loud crackling during a query serves as affirmation. So, like a smart person, I did further research. You probably know some already, palm reading and the Ouija board, for example. Here is what I learned.
Divination used by studying cloud shapes, weather patterns, and atmospheric fuckery. A person seeking answers may ask a question, any question, except a stupid one, and throw sand in the air. The direction can be interpreted a an answer or a bad idea should it blow back into your eyes. This is because wind was at one time believed to be the breath of deities, let’s hope they brush their teeth in the morning. Some people have morning breath so bad their mouth smells like an asshole humidor.
Divination by use of wine. This can be by color, smell, taste, or other physical features. The wine may be spilled on cloth or paper and patterns observed. This ritual was said to be performed by Bacchante the priestess Bacchus, who happens to be the Roman god of wine. Which it’s about like being the original Duff Man.
This is divination that interprets the ramblings of an oracle. In ancient Greece an oracle was a person thought to be a human through which entities speak. most famous was Pythia the oracle at Delphi, temple dedicated to Apollo. People traveled as far as Egypt or Wisconsin to ask the oracle for her prophesy. They had to bring animal sacrifices because in those days a bag of dead animals was like a gift card to Logans Roadhouse, you gave dead animals for every fucking thing. The wealthy of course got to go first, how surprising to hear the poor being mistreated in history huh? She would chew leaves from the sacred Laurel tree, and sit over a crack in the rocky ground that released toxic volcanic fumes. She would then go into a frenzy of unintelligible babble. The babble was interpreted by priests. Decisions about war, economy, legislation and personal matters were all determined by oracles. However only priests were able to translate the oracles utterances into a prophecy, ambiguously worded. That way the oracle can’t really be wrong, being that everything was open to interpretation. Coincidentally, the same method is now being used to pitch TLC show ideas. Seriously, I unliked them on Facebook.
Not only a heavy metal band from Spain (yep, I prophesied it would be when I three sand in the wind, so I googled it) it’s the summoning demons to devine the past. The most famous being Captain Howdy. Prior to Christianity however, demons weren’t thought to be malicious, more like just jerks about everything. Ancient horned gods of fertility became the devil and a huge copyright issue for the pissed off pagans. Consulting demons was considered helpful but not highly encouraged due to their tendency to lie, or pervert the truth. Once Christianity became chic with the Romans lots of things became evil, (ruining the guiltless joys of incest). Demonomancy became a practice of only hell bound people (where they burn with people who drive merge into traffic at the last minute when there’s a lane closure). Much worse than their creating Kirk Cameron, but not by much.
Divination by observing cats. An example lives today, where in America and Germany a black cat crossing your path means bad luck. However in other cultures black cats are considered lucky.
Divination by poop. Ancient Egyptians used Dung Beetles by observing their actions in the excrement of the sick. A prognosis was made based on how fast they rolled their poo balls (which is also a sexy mating ritual for them). This was also known as spatalomancy, copromancy and the scat man: be bop boo BA da bop, boo bop de bada bop.
Well, I hope you learned new ways to seek direction on your journey in life. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get a mirror to look at my butt, I want tho know when I will fall in love. That’s right there’s also rumpomancy, divination by examining ass cheeks. Every dimple tells a story, hopefully not a scary one…until next time, happy fortunes.