Celebrations and Secret Fetishes

Life is many things, and worth celebrating. I suppose that’s why we have birthday parties, surely it’s not to ensure magicians have jobs. They dress like effeminate pirates and who likes that? Birthday clowns are weird too. There was a guy in my neighborhood growing up that was a birthday clown. He called himself Bubbles. My mother would threaten to hire him for my birthday. Not funny, not ever, mom. Okay a little.

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mind = mystified

Now where was I? Oh yes, life and fetishes. This is not a secret admission here, it’s more like a FYI. I have some shame, probably a little more than Dina Lohan. I’m going to say right here, that was the only episode of Dr. Phil I wanted to watch and actually did watch. If you don’t know what I’m talking about take a minute to “click this link fool” on your magic wizard box or computer as they have been called since 1977. Then come back and thank me in the comment section.

What exactly is this fetish business? Active Senior Citizen Men. Yep.

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wave your hand in the air, wave them like you just don't care

I was driving down the road and saw a geriatric man riding a bicycle, his calve muscles were ripped. His jogging shorts perhaps dangerously short and in danger of a more than generous ball shot, but he was rocking them the fuck out. You could feel his zest for life emanating from his person. He was living the golden years and winning at it.

I can’t help but admit that I find active old men attractive. I don’t necessarily want to give them my phone number for them to program into their Jitterbug phone, because lets face it that would take like ten minutes. I do however, admire them and want this when I myself am older. There is just something so amazing about a man in his sixties living a less sedentary life than most men my age. Plus they have AARP benefits and more than likely a Mercury Sable convertible.

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you should see the north pole, uh huh huh, shazaam

When I see an older man jogging, I imagine he woke that morning before dawn. He did some push-ups and laced up his favorite pair of New Balance shoes. He came downstairs to eat three eggs, a piece of toast and coffee, black. Cream and sugar is for men who can’t change a tire, weak men, men who didn’t vote for Reagan. Men who don’t eat meat. These men do not own power tools. Disgusting. He heads down to his favorite greenway mindful that he remembered his waist pack with water bottle holder. After some stretches and a disapproving glance at the young man in his sagging pants, he begins.  He goes along, nodding politely at all the ladies (because he knows they’re impressed), until he’s completed his routine.

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prefers fat free half and half

He gets home to enjoy a delightful cold cut and brown mustard sandwhich with the wife. Then they bang, because he’s an active senior full of vigor. He showers and then goes to his wood shed for the day to make birdhouses and whatever the hell old men do those things. Really, what do they do beside shellac EVERYTHING? I don’t know either but I’m willing to be arrested for trespassing to spy on one.

He comes in for dinner; pot roast, potatoes, green beans and homemade yeast rolls because his wife Alice either cooks or looks through JC Penny catalogues all day. They watch Dateline and go to bed. This is what I’m pretty sure active senior men do, everyday.

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that's right bitch

I personally think this is awesome, or that I’m awesome for thinking this. Whichever, have a sexy day.

25 responses to “Celebrations and Secret Fetishes

  1. Hilarious, b ut I’m going to have to change how I take my coffee.

  2. You caught me. I’m actually a 62 year old retiree living on a pension and farming cannabis for spending money.

    Can we date now?

  3. Today I learned that according to how I take my coffee, I am a weak man. I’ll take solace in giggling at the rest of this post like the weak weak man I am.

  4. So following this train of logic, you would definitely understand why Sam Elliot is so hot in Roadhouse right???

  5. Love this post….made me laugh the whole way through!! And now I have a fetish for older men too!! :)

  6. Sooo funny I really like your coffee rating system of masculinity…As for Bubbles, as much as I hate clowns, I would not have been cruel enough to do that to him…You’re a beast :) and I love it!

  7. Haha….well, I’m now almost convinced that’s what they do too. That’s how convincing you sound.

  8. Suddenly I have the urge to be old so I can get my own shed (I always wanted one anyway). I dream of having young pretty girls like you oogling me cycling in the hope of a stray ‘ball shot’. No…not really. Well…maybe…anyway – I’m with you on the whole clowns thing. :)

  9. Two words: PATRICK STEWART.
    OMG.
    I too am a sucker for older dudes. Attractive, active, well-built, older dudes. It’s like everything you want in attractive, active, well-built younger dudes, but they give off this “I’m experienced and mature” vibe that makes them appear to not be a douche-bag (and that they’re likely good in bed).
    And, of course, AARP.. amirite??

  10. This is another reason why I can’t wait to be old. That and I want senility as an excuse for forgetting to wear pants or giving kids the finger.

  11. Maybe you should stay away from the retirement village for a while, the silver surfers may be waiting for you. Could be a dangerous trip to take.

    Jim

  12. Laid here with IPod and hangover thinking of a good reason to, not go for a run. Then I read your great post. I might even get to the gym today, thanks ;-)

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