It’s that time again and it’s near, Halloween? Besides the most awesome holiday of the year, it’s time to choose our next leader. So, everyone is in a frenzy of opinions and reposting memes on Facebook about how candidates are idiots or the answer to everything wrong with our country (like flesh pants). There’s not a lot of enthusiasm this year, I’ve heard a lot of talk about how doomed our country is. How our forefathers are going to rise from the grave with otherworldly outrage over our misappropriated Constitution adherence because not everyone wants to say Christmas anymore.
While you choose our next president, keep in mind there have been some insanely incompetent leaders in the past. This might make you feel a little better like, “well, he’s better than THAT guy”…
Elagabalus - Roman emperor 218-222
Made emperer at the age of 14 years old, managed to generate far more sexual scandal than Bill Clinton and all the chubby chicks interning at the White House could have dreamed of. He was married and divorced five times in the four years he was emperer. He rather enjoyed wearing women’s clothing while making sexual advances to any passerby. He prostituted himself among the grounds of the imperial palace. He later offered a large amount of the Roman treasury to any physician who could give him sexual reassignment surgery.
He deposed Jupiter at the head of the Parthenon and replaced it with Elagabal , forcing Rome’s government to practice religious rites in honor of this deity. He had a prototype of the whoopee cushion that he liked to use at dinner parties. His body guards, probably sick of “Who cut the cheese?” jokes every fucking time they sat down, assassinated him and dragged his naked body through the streets. This was most likely a plot formed by his own grandma and the Praetorian Guard.
Nero -Roman emperor 54-68
Nero is most famed as the “Emperer who fiddled while Rome burned”. This was a nasty rumor accusing the emperer of actually starting the Great Fire of Rome in order to clear the land for Domus Aurea, or the Golden House, a quaint 300 room villa with artificial lake and bronze statue of himself.
Nero is said to have captured Christians and burned them in his garden for a source of light. Christians are way better than tiki torches, btw. He was also described to be malodorous…so there’s that.
The Romans must have appreciated the severe taxes (surely this in no way funded the Golden House).
Vindex in Gaul started a rebellion which resulted in an assassination plot against Nero. However he committed suicide June 9, 68 and was the first emporer to do so.
Francisco Solano Lopez -President of Paraguay 1862
This president declared war against Brazil, Argentina, and Uruguay at the same fucking time. Now called The War of the Triple Alliance. From what I gathered this had a lot to do with disputes of land and diamond mines. Either way Lopez took on these countries and it ended disastrously. This decimated the male population of Paraguay, leaving most likely armchairs that didn’t smell like farts and a sexy Amazonian society
…Um, oh and not to mention Lopez was paranoid ordered the execution of prominent Paraguayan citizen; bishops, judges, lawyers, military officers, priests, and foreigners. His own mother was flogged and executed for revealing to Lopez he was born out-of-wedlock. Bastard. The war ended with Lopez being shot while trying to hide perhaps from all the native savage women, or most likely from the enemy.
Charles II of Spain 1661-1700
Last of the Hasburg family to reign due to their copious inbreeding. His genome was actually found to be more homozygous than a child with sibling parents. All of his grandparents were descendants of the same people. This was done to protect property, but resulted in progressively worse mandibular prognathism in each child. Which is a major underbite. That’s a lot of risky inbreeding just to protect some goblets and beaver fur hats. Anywho, Charles was most affected, being that he was unable to properly chew or speak clearly. He had pituitary gland deficiency and renal tubular acidosis. Basically his kidneys didn’t acidify urine, leaving him with osteoporosis, seizures, and mental disturbances (severe anxiety, irrational thoughts) . Well, before genetics were to blame, sorcery was the logical conclusion, Charles called himself “The Hexed”. Charles was increasingly more disturbed toward his death demanding the corpses of his family be exhumed so he could look at them. Spain as a country was a dismal place to live, the economy suffering and people starving. The general presiding over the infamous Spanish inquisition convinced Charles to destroy documents investigating the whole fiasco. The evidence of wrongdoing was overwhelming but not a trace could be found when Phillip V took the throne.
Charles died at 39, the coroner describing his innards as gangrenous and putrid.
Well friends, I hope that helped. Go vote! Unless you’re a convicted felon, then I suppose you should um, work on a hobby. If your still in prison, maybe draw a picture of the outside world on your cell wall and do a personal life inventory.