Stupid Things Mothers Compete About

This post is probably more relatable to women, maybe because it’s about mothering, maybe it’s because I’m a woman, maybe because Air Bud can play basketball really well.

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“Nothing but net!”

Maybe because I said maybe a lot and cited reasons. If I use potentially or possibly this post would sound a lot smarter, because scientists use those words more so to support their hypothesis (an educated guess, because everything scientists do is educated, even guessing). If my calculations are correct scientists could potentially guess with education than you when they play Guess Who? leaving you to guess, well, stupid. Also by my calculations I can make a hypothesis if I wear a lab coat, lab coats make you seemingly smarter than before.

3.Who has the most disinfected kid.

we all know that kid’s hands are more vile than a urethral swab from Tommy Lee. However moms think that having sanitizer in their purse, on their key chain, and simply everywhere makes them superior. They are quick to give you the most horrified look when you don’t splash Germ-X on each rung of the monkey bars as your kid goes across them. Firstly, hand washing with soap and water is more effective being that it kills C. Difficile spores. That’s one that can make your butt a diarrhea fountain not unlike the chocolate fountain at Golden Corral. Furthermore, constant sanitation eliminates germ exposure, weakening the immune system. Yes, your kid should wash his hands throughout the day but if you think that leaves you bacteria free, your an idiot. The body is comprised of millions, trillions of bacteria, approximately five pounds of it. we also have an immune system that operates on recognition of invading pathogens, so while it may be counterintuitive, the body breeds exposure in order to respond appropriately.

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“Motthhhhaaaaaa”

2. Who had the worst labor.

Birthing a child hurts, duh. Most women had contractions, painful ones at that. Some women labored for hours, some for days. Some women are dead set on having the most worst labor of all time as if they give prizes for that. First of all oxytocin, that awesome hormone that starts contractions, creates a flow of wonderful emotions, and also causes a woman to forget just how painful labor is. That’s nature’s way of “buying you a drink”. I mean if you remembered distinctly every detail, humanity would have ceased or slowed considerably. What could be a shared experience for women to relate to each other is sometimes a battle for who had it worse. It’s hard for me to openly talk about this subject for this reason. I love to hear other women’s stories but not when they have to detract from everyone else’s with, “Oh that’s nothing, I’ll tell you about MY birth…”

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“When you were born it felt like Wolverine shredded my vagina”

1. Who sleeps the least.

Another favorite, some mothers love to make lack of sleep a badge of honor. Again, this could be supportive and relatable right? Fuck no! “When MY child was a baby he slept four hours every seven days, and I cleaned the house while he did that.” Yes, infants wake often. Sometimes they have colic, and they sleep very little. However, they do fucking sleep, because humans sleep. What’s worse an admission of being tired is like a celebrity tweeting a racist comment, you are subject to scrutiny. Not only will women make outrageous comparisons but ensure you that you have failed because you require just some of that restorative function our bodies need, not want, need.

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I suppose us women will always compete. Maybe we’re evolved but we still look at the Facebook pages of our boyfriend’s ex or our ex boyfriend’s current girlfriend. I admit it, and admit I do it because I want to think I’m prettier, thinner, better at taking bathroom mirror pics. People in general brag more than they should really. Oh well, what to do? Well, besides hate every bitch at the YMCA pool, or baseball game, birthday party, pre-k keg party…what?

I love the moms who just admit they struggle and it’s challenging to be a mother. There are women who really do face so much adversity. I’m not sure why women aren’t supportive of each other as they could be. If being a good person and parent kept score, I’d be somewhat better than the Detroit Lions, somewhat.

15 responses to “Stupid Things Mothers Compete About

  1. Hell yes!

    Super Mom Sally pisses me off- she brags about her (un)-awesomeness every day on facebook, too. I laugh when her kids are always sick because it’s her own damn fault for making them drink hand sanitizer every day.

    Mwa-ha-ha-haaaaaa.

    Oh, hi, I’m GingerSnaap and I am evil. Nice to meet you.

  2. Hub’s friend has a daughter who is always sick when she comes visit him, because while at her mother’s she is practically bathed in “anti-bacterial” everything. And I’ll be the first to tell anyone who cares, I was in labor 8 hours, but it didn’t seem like that and I consider myself lucky. LOL.

  3. ps “your” an idiot. should be “you’re”. Go on and fix it and erase this comment. I won’t tell. ;)

  4. I am convinced that labor stories are like fishing stories for men. Just as the fish gets longer with each retelling so does the labor and the gross factor. Great post!

  5. I nominated you for the One Lovely Blog Award. Check it out! http://wp.me/p1FYfJ-fj

  6. HaHa I work at an OBGYN clinic and I think this list could also be called – what women try to convince their gynecologist is true – that they never sleep, are super sanitary and had the worst labor the Dr. has ever been privy to. Love it

  7. Hand sanitizers are a stupid waste of time and money and will create a generation of people living in fear. Unless they drink the stuff.

    PS: It’s important to remember to clean your mirrors before you take those pictures. When you see them posted on the internet twenty-five years from now you’ll think “Oh, I was so young and pretty” but that dirty mirror will live in cyberspace for all eternity.

  8. Some of these analogies were painful to read X^0

    Loved it, as always.

  9. I freely admit I was a horrible mother. I let my son get dirty. He rode skateboards and broke bones doing it. He discovered Mountain Dew at the age of 10- and shared the charms of various and multiple big-bosomed Jezebels by the time he was 14.

    As far as feces fountains go, you don’t want to know what happens when you eat nothing but Flamin’ Hot Cheetos for a week. My son just had to discover this though. I will say that you would wish it were more like the chocolate fountain at the Golden Corral.

    But when he was an infant I had to watch my mother to make sure she didn’t Clorox him and not just the clothes. Not only was he the Precious Only Male Child, he was the First Grandchild. She was the one on the huge OCD sanitizing kick which was bizarre considering when we were kids she would spit on a Kleenex and wipe us off which is the most god-awful thing- but those were more innocent times I guess. Ah, the ’70s, when you could substitute spit for sanitizer and beat your kids in public with impunity!

  10. Can I just say… THANK YOU for mentioning the film Air Bud, simply because for about 5 years I’ve had these random thought in the back of my mind that I can’t quite get to make senseabout a boy with a golden retriever that his owner tries to get him back and at the end the dog chooses who he wants to be his owner… But I could never remember enough to make sense to explain to someone else so Thank you! It has been driving me crazy!

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