Category Archives: Personal Opinion

Business Proposals and Nudity, Nudity…Nudity

Greetings readers, lovers, lovers of men, lovers of women, lovers of Chaz Bono. What shall my topic be today? Today I want to talk about failed romance, broken dreams and ca$h fuckin’ money.

I'm Chaz!

I’m Chaz!

I have recently started a new relationship and so far I’ve been really happy and very excited about it (I am doing a shrilly girl scream as I type thisssss!) This is good, good for me. Sorry Gavin Rossdale, our adulterous affair must end. It’s over. Stop calling me. Or, just send me nude text messages.

555-4415

555-4415

Well, I’ve ranted against exes in the past. I’m far enough removed from the hurt feelings (and there were a lot) to not really get nasty in this post. Who wants to hear goddamn Morrisey the entire forty minute car ride with the singing along. Hint: not me. Reality check; one time someone said you look like Bruce Willis not fucking true, stop thinking that. Today. Okay, that’s it, I’m done.

You see, I’m twenty-eight. That being said I’m at the age where you can either date a romantically dysfunctional person or you can hope with fingers, toes, and eyes crossed someone awesome will have been dating someone who sucks…and here they are post break up or divorce and ready to be good to you. I’m hoping that’s the case.

Walgreens ran out of cards...

Walgreens ran out of cards…

Now, about eight months ago, in the depths of post break up despair, I had the support of some wonderful friends. One in particular that listened to the tear-filled angst. She sat patiently as I did this, a lot, because who likes to feel played and foolish? Not me, probably not many people.

We talked of course about her exes and mine and how crazy they act sometimes. Then there was a light bulb.

We could actually start a dating service for people who are already couples but have troublesome exes. Maybe only one person does. Maybe they both do. Either way, we know the best way to get an ex of your nuts is to get them on someone else’s right?

So it’s only logical to set up the ex with someone who is single, looking and tragically co-dependent! You see, the screening process is simple, applicants will be asked general questions about relationships and the one’s most cuckoo for cocoa puffs will be set up with your totally unaware ex, with “clandestine” meetings.

This means that the crazy ex can then have a crazy fucking new boyfriend or girlfriend and probably won’t call or text because for the eleventh time their phone has been smashed to bits because a female cousin asked for grandma’s new number.

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On paper this seems pretty awesome. My friend is a genius. I think perhaps we’re really on to a possibly successful business venture. Either way it made for great laughs at times when, admittedly, I didn’t feel much like laughing. Now, well damn that’s old news. That dude can take so no less that one thousand dicks in his mouth.

Besides, losers and jerks make you appreciate the smallest of genuine sincerity as you embark on a journey with someone new. Those are not fun life lessons, but if they are learned, they become valuable tools in all relationships. Meaning friends and family, not just the person you have sexy time with…unless that’s your thing. Which, I suppose is cool.

How I Reached for the Stars

Today I want to discuss jobs. I have switched careers and now I work as a nurse.

“I think you’ve got a fever, I’ll need to check that…rectally”

It may surprise you, the faithful Facehookin’ reader, to know that I worked in both the state prison and county jail as none other than a correctional officer before going to nursing school.

“It’s time for your visit, and by that I mean conjugal, and by that I mean sex…I’m not so good at this.”

So you may ask how one would make such a leap from one career field to the other? Well, simply because I can’t be an LOL cat.

Because I’m a fucking human.

I’m grateful everyday I pay my student loan because I love being a nurse. I had my son and decided it was time for a career I wanted to be in for the duration of my working years.

Now you may ask if it was difficult to deal with inmates? No, actually they weren’t usually all that bad. I mean, you just expected some of them to be assholes and some were, no big deal.

Most accurate representation of a correctional facility

However even sporatically dealing with drunks, and crazed idiots on bath salts might have made the place less desirable to work than say, waking in a bathtub full of ice and a note saying one of your kidneys was stolen. So what was something I dreaded more than all of it?

Working  with “Old heads” and Delusions of Grandeur

Okay, so I think at a lot of jobs people that stay at the same place of employment like to brag that they spent overwhelming majority of their adult life there.

“Never free, Never me, So I dub thee unforgiven…”

Which is fine, but these people always wanted to say one name in particular to raise some consequentially impressed eyebrows. Fate Thomas. Fate….Goddamn…..Thomas. Get it? Got it? Good. You better or a fiery vengeance will be wrought upon you and your posterity.  This dude, besides admittedly having a pretty cool name, was the sheriff…um, like a long time ago. Thus being present for the Fate Thomas era made all hearing aware that said employee has been with the agency for decades. There have been other sheriffs, but none with names that command attention, respect, fire. So in service training was two grueling days of classes like;  sexual harassment, workplace safety, mental health, first aide, CPR and the list goes on.

It never failed that at some point during classes some decrepit old bastard would interject, “Back in the Fate Thomas days…” Then some elaborate story would ensue about how county jail thirty years ago was a post apocalyptic battlefield and the inmates were half breed human gorillas capable of murder, murder everywhere. The officers it seems were all….um…

This bad ass….

This bad ass….

Yes. I’m serious.

According to these guys, there were fights and riots. Riots and then fights, um death, fights, riots, riots and fights. And fire. And Fate “Son of a Bitch” Thomas. Every day. These war stories took up time that the instructor needed to tell us not to sexually harass each other anymore and how to perform CPR. Not the Fate Thomas way, which was immediate setting fire to said inmate for dying during a riot.

The man, the legend, Fate…

Actually working with these guys was pretty bad, for one, the had to remind you every day that they were there longer than you have been alive. They had to tell you resolutions to problems that might have been acceptable in the 70′s, you know, like let’s disco all night. Well, maybe not that but, they never really had a current or relevant solution. Only stories, epic stories, comparable to those told by Homer.

Perhaps other reasons I’d rather not use this venue to expound on why that particular place wasn’t my cup of tea. I will say some pretty incredible supervisory titles materialized over the years…

Vice President Chief…Seventh Level Dragon Master…

I always wished Fate would become wrathful with the lack of violence withing the facilities and bring about his powerful spiritual vengeance and then salt the earth…only to fly into the sun and burst, spreading his incredible ashes among us. Or maybe just give me a make-believe position of power.

Election Time

It’s that time again and it’s near, Halloween? Besides the most awesome holiday of the year, it’s time to choose our next leader. So, everyone is in a frenzy of opinions and reposting memes on Facebook about how candidates are idiots or the answer to everything wrong with our country  (like flesh pants). There’s not a lot of enthusiasm this year, I’ve heard a lot of talk about how doomed our country is. How our forefathers are going to rise from the grave with otherworldly outrage over our misappropriated Constitution adherence because not everyone wants to say Christmas anymore.

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how dare you like the British version of The Office better!

While you choose our next president, keep in mind there have been some insanely incompetent leaders in the past. This might make you feel a little better like, “well, he’s better than THAT guy”…

Elagabalus - Roman emperor 218-222
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Made emperer at the age of 14 years old, managed to generate far more sexual scandal than Bill Clinton and all the chubby chicks interning at the White House could have dreamed of. He was married and divorced five times in the four years he was emperer. He rather enjoyed wearing women’s clothing while making sexual advances to any passerby. He prostituted himself among the grounds of the imperial palace. He later offered a large amount of the Roman treasury to any physician who could give him sexual reassignment surgery.

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I've got a picture of Lindsay Lohan getting out of a car, can you use that?

He deposed Jupiter at the head of the Parthenon and replaced it with Elagabal , forcing Rome’s government to practice religious rites in honor of this deity. He had a prototype of the whoopee cushion that he liked to use at dinner parties. His body guards, probably sick of “Who cut the cheese?” jokes every fucking time they sat down, assassinated him and dragged his naked body through the streets.  This was most likely a plot formed by his own grandma and the Praetorian Guard.

Nero -Roman emperor 54-68

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why can't my crown be made of french fries instead of salad!

 Nero is most famed as the “Emperer who fiddled while Rome burned”. This was a nasty rumor accusing the emperer of actually starting the Great Fire of Rome in order to clear the land for Domus Aurea, or the Golden House, a quaint 300 room villa with artificial lake and bronze statue of himself.

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this fire is outta control, I'm gonna burn this city, burn this city!

Nero is said to have captured Christians and burned them in his garden for a source of light. Christians are way better than tiki torches, btw. He was also described to be malodorous…so there’s that.
The Romans must have appreciated the severe taxes (surely this in no way funded the Golden House).

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stinky's house

Vindex in Gaul started a rebellion which resulted in an assassination plot against Nero. However he committed suicide June 9, 68 and was the first emporer to do so.

Francisco Solano Lopez -President of Paraguay 1862

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my business beard

This president declared war against Brazil, Argentina, and Uruguay at the same fucking time. Now called The War of the Triple Alliance. From what I gathered this had a lot to do with disputes of land and diamond mines. Either way Lopez took on these countries and it ended disastrously. This decimated the male population of Paraguay, leaving most likely armchairs that didn’t smell like farts and a sexy Amazonian society
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…Um, oh and not to mention Lopez was paranoid ordered the execution of prominent Paraguayan citizen; bishops, judges, lawyers, military officers, priests, and foreigners. His own mother was flogged and executed for revealing to Lopez he was born out-of-wedlock. Bastard. The war ended with Lopez being shot while trying to hide perhaps from all the native savage women, or most likely from the enemy.

Charles II of Spain 1661-1700
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Last of the Hasburg family to reign due to their copious inbreeding. His genome was actually found to be more homozygous than a child with sibling parents. All of his grandparents were descendants of the same people. This was done to protect property, but resulted in progressively worse mandibular prognathism in each child. Which is a major underbite. That’s a lot of risky inbreeding just to protect some goblets and beaver fur hats. Anywho, Charles was most affected, being that he was unable to properly chew or speak clearly. He had pituitary gland deficiency and renal tubular acidosis. Basically his kidneys didn’t acidify urine, leaving him with osteoporosis, seizures, and mental disturbances (severe anxiety, irrational thoughts) . Well, before genetics were to blame, sorcery was the logical conclusion, Charles called himself “The Hexed”. Charles was increasingly more disturbed toward his death demanding the corpses of his family be exhumed so he could look at them. Spain as a country was a dismal place to live, the economy suffering and people starving. The general presiding over the infamous Spanish inquisition convinced Charles to destroy documents investigating the whole fiasco. The evidence of wrongdoing was overwhelming but not a trace could be found when Phillip V took the throne.
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Charles died at 39, the coroner describing his innards as gangrenous and putrid.

Well friends, I hope that helped. Go vote! Unless you’re a convicted felon, then I suppose you should um, work on a hobby. If your still in prison, maybe draw a picture of the outside world on your cell wall and do a personal life inventory.

Celebrations and Secret Fetishes

Life is many things, and worth celebrating. I suppose that’s why we have birthday parties, surely it’s not to ensure magicians have jobs. They dress like effeminate pirates and who likes that? Birthday clowns are weird too. There was a guy in my neighborhood growing up that was a birthday clown. He called himself Bubbles. My mother would threaten to hire him for my birthday. Not funny, not ever, mom. Okay a little.

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mind = mystified

Now where was I? Oh yes, life and fetishes. This is not a secret admission here, it’s more like a FYI. I have some shame, probably a little more than Dina Lohan. I’m going to say right here, that was the only episode of Dr. Phil I wanted to watch and actually did watch. If you don’t know what I’m talking about take a minute to “click this link fool” on your magic wizard box or computer as they have been called since 1977. Then come back and thank me in the comment section.

What exactly is this fetish business? Active Senior Citizen Men. Yep.

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wave your hand in the air, wave them like you just don't care

I was driving down the road and saw a geriatric man riding a bicycle, his calve muscles were ripped. His jogging shorts perhaps dangerously short and in danger of a more than generous ball shot, but he was rocking them the fuck out. You could feel his zest for life emanating from his person. He was living the golden years and winning at it.

I can’t help but admit that I find active old men attractive. I don’t necessarily want to give them my phone number for them to program into their Jitterbug phone, because lets face it that would take like ten minutes. I do however, admire them and want this when I myself am older. There is just something so amazing about a man in his sixties living a less sedentary life than most men my age. Plus they have AARP benefits and more than likely a Mercury Sable convertible.

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you should see the north pole, uh huh huh, shazaam

When I see an older man jogging, I imagine he woke that morning before dawn. He did some push-ups and laced up his favorite pair of New Balance shoes. He came downstairs to eat three eggs, a piece of toast and coffee, black. Cream and sugar is for men who can’t change a tire, weak men, men who didn’t vote for Reagan. Men who don’t eat meat. These men do not own power tools. Disgusting. He heads down to his favorite greenway mindful that he remembered his waist pack with water bottle holder. After some stretches and a disapproving glance at the young man in his sagging pants, he begins.  He goes along, nodding politely at all the ladies (because he knows they’re impressed), until he’s completed his routine.

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prefers fat free half and half

He gets home to enjoy a delightful cold cut and brown mustard sandwhich with the wife. Then they bang, because he’s an active senior full of vigor. He showers and then goes to his wood shed for the day to make birdhouses and whatever the hell old men do those things. Really, what do they do beside shellac EVERYTHING? I don’t know either but I’m willing to be arrested for trespassing to spy on one.

He comes in for dinner; pot roast, potatoes, green beans and homemade yeast rolls because his wife Alice either cooks or looks through JC Penny catalogues all day. They watch Dateline and go to bed. This is what I’m pretty sure active senior men do, everyday.

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that's right bitch

I personally think this is awesome, or that I’m awesome for thinking this. Whichever, have a sexy day.

Come to TN or Randy Travis Will Fight You Naked

Hello!

I’m still working on a post, but I have some pictures I want to share. These are some pictures taken over the course of the month of August. Please enjoy, and remember Tennessee if you want a nature loving vacation spot. There some beautiful parks here, all this is free of charge and invaluable with memory.

The trees somehow seem to take my stress like they do the carbon dioxide I breathe out. I’ve had some down right silliness and bull shit going on lately, but nature seems to defragment my brain. So, rather than lash out, post passive aggressive Facebook statuses or even angry WordPress posts on this blog, I’m gonna share the best part of the last month. Why? It’s too easy to be negative. Like you know the glass might be half empty…OF SCOTCH! WIN!

Radnor Lake, taken amongst the deer and wild birds. This day the lake was kind of well, full of algea. We told the lake “Lake, you nasty!” but it was still a beautiful walk.

Another shot of Radnor Lake and certainly Bob Ross porn.

This is a longhunter path etched out before the civil war was about to break out, though my son says it dates back to the 1980′s…like really freaking old in five-year-old terms. This is located in Castilian Springs, TN.

Bledsoe Creek State Park, this is my meditative place. I go here when I am pissed at everyone and everything. I emerge tolerant and ready for patience, maybe even giving hugs. The best part is the wild life. I can almost high-five the deer here.

See those waterfalls? Rock Island State Park, maybe one of the best parks in Tennessee. This was on of my last waterfall adventures for the summer and one of the most memorable. There are so many more waterfalls here, you can’t really count them because the pull sneak attacks on you, like that random one in the middle of the woods pictured above. I call it the shower, it’s literally a random shower sized waterfall in the woods. (Honestly, if it weren’t public I would stand totally naked beneath this thing).

That’s “The Lagoon” a fairly private swimming hole at Rock Island. It happened to be “Bro-ed out” when we first got there. Guys with tribal tattoos drinking beer, douching up the water…However, it was a great picnic spot and I probably floated around in this water for an hour. The sun came out, and it felt glorious.

That’s my son and I on maybe one of my favorite August days. We got a paddle boat and spent some time on the lake. Then we waded through the creeks of Montgomery Bell State Park with my sister. We yelled “America!” under this tunnel as loud as we could. It feels powerful to yell, “FREEDOM!” or “NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION!” Like, really, really loud. Try it…”AMERICAN TIGER!!!!” The other plus is, it makes my son belly laugh, the only children laughter that isn’t creepy enough to use in horror movies.

I’ll load some more for sure, if you’re on Instagram, I have a ton of pictures on there. Sheenasmith1. That’s my username. You may say, Sheena, you told us this already. Hush, I have the floor. Okay? Now go, see my pretty pictures and follow so I can follow you and look at your pretty pictures…unless all you do is take pictures of food. I don’t care what you eat. Troof…

Now go, get out there and enjoy this stuff. All Trails is an Android App I downloaded recently and it will find some great spots for you!

Eye Feast

Hello WordPressonians,

I have been negligent indeed. I’m not fit for blogging. Either way I wanted to share some really neat Nashville graffiti and my own personal work I’ve done recently.

Located in the Donelson (close to the airport if that helps) area of Nashville, TN is Phat Bites, a really neat restaurant. What makes Phat Bites awesome is it’s a deli that provides a much, much healthier alternative to fast food as in they actually serve vegetables. What makes this deli unique is that it supports the local arts, even buying the car wash next door turning it into a legal graffiti showcase. They have art shows and display local artist’s work within the restaurant.

That’s the inside, of course, here’s the awesome graffiti!!!

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I’ve been sort of busy too I made this:

These are collages I made for my sister and her dorm. This is her freshman year in college and it’s just days away. If I haven’t mentioned before and I don’t believe I have… decoupage is one of my favorite forms of art. I love taking pictures and figuring out how to make a funky piece out of it. I suppose I should post the rest of my collages now huh?

I also made this:

This is paying homage to one of my favorite actors of all time Robert DeNiro  and perhaps one of my favorite movies of all time, Taxi Driver. This was my first go at pop culture. If you do make art you probably discovered (unless your mad talented) that famous faces are hard to do. The nose alone was agonizing for me b/c any deviation and you haven’t captured that person. I’m not saying this looks like a photographic image of Mr. DeNiro but I hope I’m in the ballpark. He has a face I just down right admire, it’s so full of character. I love his movies and if you haven’t witnessed Awakenings, you must, must see this film.

I hope to make a return to the blogging soon, like later today, that soon. I must admit I’ve had a touch of writers block (anyone got some Adderal? No? dang). Until then, I need some space, it’s not you WordPress, it’s me.

Back In Someone Else’s Day…

I believe children are the future, why? Well, because chronologically speaking they are, duh. I have a kid of my own. I try my best to provide a happy childhood all the while preparing him for a productive, industrious adulthood. I surely don’t want him living in my den, eating Cheetos, and wiping his orange powdery hands on my furniture as he watches Walker Texas Ranger all day. Cringe.

OF course you have to lick your fingers, who wants this crap on their fleshlight?

I for one do not let him have his way all the time, often times it’s not even a democracy in my house. As he gets older I plan on negotiating more but at five, let’s face it kids that age have terrible ideas. For example drawing all over their legs before pictures are taken.

Because tattoos are way cooler than marker, what are you a frat boy? Bro!

One weapon I have in my arsenal goes beyond the starving kids in China bit. For one thing, they can only have one kid…is it really that hard to feed one mouth? I wonder if their dinnerware is as toxic as the materials used for the goods they export to us. Always using lead paint and shit…’Merican made that’s the way to go. I love guns and the ten commandments, U.S.A.!

“How many stars?” “I don’t know, like 15, get to work or they put us in the pit of many shames!”

I want my kid aware of how shitty his predecessors had it, not so much me or my parents, not really even my grandparents (poor, but not destitute). Nope, I had it pretty cake and they didn’t necessarily suffer. Plus, my dad got to be a cool ass greaser. His hair was truly awesome.

My dad still breaks into choreographed song and dance , gets into knife fights, and drag races like, every day.

I think maybe Industrial Revolution Era children had just cause for insolence , dying their hair black and refusing to turn Depeche Mode off repeat long enough to eat family dinner.

“Leave me alone mom! I gonna sit in my room and draw pictures of fairy girls that are  prettier than me!”

In 19th century London, children as young as three years old were put to work. I am going to say right here: I better have made more wages than a toddler. The exploitation of child labor was regulated by four inspectors for all of  England . At least in 1831 the Whig party reduced the average child’s work day from 16 hours to 12 hours maximum, what a relief.

“I don’t care if you don’t know how to read I need you to edit 12,000 reports by Friday, and I don’t care that it’s Thursday! Yo Gabba Gabba? Forget it!

Without OSHA and an over enthusiastic dork of a general manager, there weren’t many safety regulations (My first manager would double thumbs up a job well done and actually say “Thumbs up, guys thumbs waaaay up!” Cringe.) It was not unusual for children to lose appendages, inhale toxic fumes, and die from injury and related illness. Yeah, school doesn’t look so bad. Doing a report on Hernando De Soto beats being crushed to death by a four ton mining cart full of coal.

“Yeah…If you could not maim yourself in our faulty, unsafe machinery…that would be great.”

I can’t wait to drop this tidbit of knowledge the next time my kid complains that I am taking to long deciding on bow-tie or elbow noodles. I mean, these kids were probably pretty miserable.

Yep. Except for far left, he’s the company cheerleader.

This kind of makes my dad’s tales of having to help build a stone wall and early life without television seem well, lame. I believe these kids walked barefoot in the snow, to punch that clock. So the next time my son whines, I may just drive by a local factory and tell him to wait in the car while I get him an application. I think he’ll change his tune.

Don’t call child services on me, I know child labor is no longer legal. That’s why he’ll make me money as a pageant kid, they have boy competitions too.

No one will EVER pick on this kid in school

A Positive Outlook on ObamaCare (This is, like, a current issue)

I am not sure what exactly to think about ObamaCare. To be honest, it’s like what non flammable substance would be best to put out a raging inferno. The raging inferno (or disco inferno) being the mess our healthcare system is right now. However, this is not a political blog ( back zealots!). No platforms here and no opinion other than this; I must find the key to unlock eternal life and beauty, hide the secret, rule the world as a beautiful, perpetually young tyrant that is forever trendy as well.

White pants are a very bold fashion statement

Well now before this does take an unintentional turn toward debate, I simply want to point something out. ObamaCare may or may not be good for our nation but it will probably be better than MedievalCare.

Let me expound unto thee:

DOCTORS

Today, when you go to a doctor, you understand they went through excruciating, soul sucking hours of medical school to earn that degree. You’re pretty confident they know how to read, write, and properly diagnose your ailment and touch you in the “okay” way your parents told you about. Right?

Buuuut I mean you CAN touch my no no zones…

How about the doctors that practiced in the days of yore? Neigh wench, they were not always so handsome, nor as competent as an actor that plays a doctor. Generally, back in the day, healthcare was governed by wealth. Meaning, only the Housewives of Great Yarmouth could afford a physician actually educated in a real school. Of course it seems that a proper school taught such things as; “hyenas are hermaphroditic animals, and elephants are only afraid of dragons.” Below physicians come surgeons, who apprenticed but did not have the formal education of the aforementioned. The poor, infirm, and vagabonds kind of got your “backyard doctor” so to speak, they guy who “know’s whut tha hell he’s doin’”. The working class went to see a barber for a good old “blood-letting” or tooth pulling. Barbers would routinely perform these procedures without any real prior training. They marked their practice with a red and white pole (yeah, yeah like the one’s you see today) to mimic the appearance of bloody gauze that has been washed and hung out to dry. We all know reusing bandages is an awesome idea. If the average Joe was fortunate, he might get to receive treatment from a monk. These guys could at least read medical text, and had enough understanding that some infirmaries later  grew to become hospitals. Perhaps you knew a “wise woman who was a lady who knew some sweet ass herbal remedies and chants to aid in prolonging your life to well, thirty-something. Which is elderly back then. Of course the religious folk started burning them at the stake for witchcraft.

Pssshhhh! Witch, PLEASE!

HOSPITALS

I had to stay overnight in the hospital when I had my kid. I can’t complain, they gave me a shit load of ice and kept the pain pills a poppin’. I’m not a fancy gal, so hell, it felt like being pampered to be honest. So while you may not get the most extravagant room, it’s probably going to be pretty clean. Hospitals loose their ass paying for nosocomial infections (disease directly received while at the hospital) that they have a pretty stringent infection control policy.

Hot damn! Come ooooooon gall bladder obstruction!

Hospitals in shit times, um I mean, Medieval times were nothing Beyonce and Jay-Z would approve of, far, far, from ballin’ so to speak. Nope, hospitals were large rooms where all the sick were placed together. So while you don’t get a private room, your ass didn’t even get a private bed. Hospital beds used to hold 4 to 6 sick people. If you pushed your call light for assistance to bathe, well you got a portable rolling bath tub full of water that is shared with other people in the hospital. Yeah, that dude with syphilis so bad his nose fell off? Well, it’s in the fucking bath water. Who’s got the Calgon? What’s worse is no one could come bring flowers or those blasted Mylar balloons that never deflate. The hospital was dangerously contagious and family usually had to wait until granny got better or died…yeah died.

How on earth are 4 to 6 people going to agree on whether to watch the WB or another Ab Glider infomercial?

TREATMENT

The drug companies are pretty evil in my opinion. I don’t think doctors prescribe simple, natural treatments nearly enough. I also feel that disguising an ailment with a pill only lends to worse disease….whew…okay. Enough. Nonetheless, however Satanic Pfizer may be, their pills pretty much do what their prescribed to do (along with a rigmarole of side-effects). We can agree there right?

“Ya know…I think I’ll test drive them first, doc.”

Well, it was common for a Medieval healthcare provider (I hope they went to their primary for a referral or they will pay out the ass in shillings without a referral) to just go grab some herbs grind them up and see what happens. If you thought to yourself “Gee, didn’t a lot of people die?” Yes, like all the time even before the plague thanks to leprosy and God striking your evil heart with St. Anthony’s Fire or scrofulla…that will teach ye to have unclean thoughts about thy local merchant and pillaging his anally goods.

For example:

Bruises: Cover them with bacon fat and flour (sounds like a fanfuckintastic gravy to me, did Paula Dean prescribe this?)

Internal bleeding: Wear a dried toad in a pouch around the neck

Ringworm- Wash your hair in male urine

The Plague- Drink an alchemist special mix of molten gold, leeches, blood-letting (ya know cut someone and the bad blood is expressed…) place dead animals about the house, eat powdered emeralds

Skin disease- Cover the spot with the skin of a wolf

Kiss eczema goodbye.

Insanity- Trepanning which is drilling a hole in the head for the crazy to escape.

Unkown- Cauterization- get a hot ass iron poker and jab the affected area.

Lastly, if all else fails make peace with God who decidedly smote you with the disease to begin with because you’re a sinner. The church freaking said so.

See? It could be worse right? Glass half full playa!

It Could Always Be Worse

If you have a Facebook account, and you probably do because even Amish Acres  is on board with social networking. You may notice some of your friends post some pretty negative status updates. For example: “I’m sad about everything, I bit the side of my mouth and it hurts… no one appreciates me.” I mean, that may not be verbatim, but pretty close. At this point I would like to add that I giggle when that one smart ass “likes” those kind of status updates. I usually ignore it and check out whatever Cracked.com article is posted or focus my hate on memes that are not funny.

I would like to take a moment to address the negative Nelly’s out there and say cheer up, things can and will at times, be worse. I have provided some examples of how I justify small frustrations in my life that do suck:

The amount of chocolate I ate today is absurd. Inconsolable shame…

I did not, however, do too much meth today.

My boob cleavage is sub par.

My butt cleavage is amazing

My gynecologist looks like this…

My gynecologist could be this…

I don’t really know what to write today

I’m still smarter than animals.

I only got a regular ol’ burger…sans cheese

My hair looks awesome…

I’m hormonal and bloated

It’s not spontaneous explosive diarrhea.

I have no idea where my money goes…

I didn’t spend it on this movie

Lowes employees STILL send me butthurt comments over a fairly old post…

Sorry that store is balls, and I stand by my original post statements.

So in conclusion, chillax, post some eCards, not everything is appropriate for Facebook. More importantly, being happy is an effort not an innate human right. Go hug on a loved one and enjoy all the good things, there’s an innumerable amount if you start counting.

Suck It Bear Grylls

This week I took a “vacation”. Sort of, but I refuse to acknowledge the word “staycation” as applicable in daily verbalization. I mean who am I Tyra Banks? Have ya’ll noticed she makes up words (thinsperation)? Perhaps not, maybe you remember she uses visual props such as a vulva puppet? You’re killing me Smalls! Moving on.

Stinks McMuff wasn’t invited back on the show…

So, while my son went on a real vacation, with his dad, I made the most of four days off work and explored Tennessee. I ventured beyond Wal Mart and meth labs to bring you a review of my backyard vacation week.

Destination #1 Cummins Falls

Cummins Falls is located in Jackson County, TN. This spot was picked on a whim. This park has a down hill hike to the creek bed. I cursed gravity the whole time because it was pretty steep and I’m no mountain goat. In fact the park ranger met us at the head of the trail and told us take this one instead, I almost thought she intentionally lured me to my death like a land siren of sorts…that didn’t sing, and wore high wasted khaki pants. We (as in my friend and I…yeah I have real friends outside of Facebook) waded upstream almost the entire way, being that the creek is large flat rocks. As you hear the roar of the waterfall, you begin climbing bigger and bigger rocks. As you approach, you can see the top of this waterfall and this is the payoff when you reach the ledge of the swimming hole. It’s a paradise.

BAM Nature splooge in yo face!

You can view the waterfall from so many many beautiful angles

You can walk right under the waterfall, or hang out with dudes in hibiscus flower shorts.

So, in conclusion; this place could only be more magical if it were a waterfall consisting of ice cream. Pros: Great place to swim, and a fun hike to get there. Cons: The ranger tries to kill you.

Destination #2 Fall Creek Falls

Sink Hoooooooooole!

This park made me want to scream “America fucks the world!!!” as loud as I could and with all the redneck pride my body could muster. This park is located in Spencer, TN. The above waterfall was the first sight for me, and you can follow a trail all the way down, to the bottom and swim around beneath this monster. Your brain is not ready, but scroll down anyhow…

Yeah, typical view…everywhere…no big deal

Rudyard Kipling would be so impressed.

I can’t even add enough pictures to explain the beauty. What made this trip particularly more awesome was the fact that a church group of 85 teenagers encouraged a detour off trail. Sorry kids, but no one in this group cares about the Beibs…Well we climbed massive rocks only to discover a secluded swimming hole. The water was so clear, not muddied up like school bus window, because kids have disgusting hands…I would rather swim in stagnant filth full of murky grossness than expose myself to surfaces multiple children touch. I’ve been once and have seen only a small portion of the magic that goes on there. I fully intend on more trips and probably more posting, if I don’t run away to live there among the wild animals. I’d look pretty sweet in a leaf suit. Pros: Challenging hiking that promises gelatin muscles afterwards. Cons: There are church groups with 85 flipping kids strong that go there.

Destination #3 Burgess Falls 

Located in White County, TN. This Park has a gorgeous trail that gradually leads you to the base of a 136 foot waterfall. This was actually an adventure last week but worth writing about rather than the park I went to this day. Here’s the link to Montgomery Bell Park if you’re interested. Now back to Burgess Falls…

Tick, tick BOOM

The trail is easy to get down…but entirely uphill on the way back up. At some point I saw angels directing me with traffic signals to heaven.

baby falls along the way…

Yes, you can walk right to the rocky edge of the top of the waterfall, the view is vertigo inducing yet spectacular.

The best part, you wander off trail just a little bit and you find these mysterious buildings and fallen bridges. It looks post apocalyptic. Pros: If you don’t have crazy long hours, this is a good destination, there is not a ton of hiking involved if you stay on trail. A pretty waterfall, duh, and cool abandoned man made fixtures. Cons: There are multiple snake sightings in the water below the falls. “There’s a snake in my boot!” ….”Somebody’s poisoned the waterhole!” Okay, okay I’ll stop. Also a con, when you Google images this douche pops up.

Destination #4 Rock Island

Located in Rock Island, TN (no way! Surely you do jest sir!). This was yet another remarkable day in nature.

The waterfalls appear to come straight out of holes in rock, it’s surreal. The large ferns that grow over the openings make the whole park feel like your a koi fish in a meditation pond. There are literally waterfalls everywhere, like stupid internet memes…everywhere. There are also places to swim, from a sandy designated swim area to secluded swim holes like this:

You can rock hop further than one day will allow

Getting slightly lost ended up being the crowning jewel of the trip. Less people at this site too. There aren’t big waterfalls but small trickles of water from rocks covered in the brightest green flora I have ever seen. The entire area is lush and hidden, like you were let in on a secret.

I really cannot describe in words or show enough pictures that convey how preserved this area felt, as if it were untouched for millions of years.

Again this park is huge, there’s a cave, and huge trails that I didn’t even have close to enough time to explore. Pros: I felt I was dropped off on another continent that day. Cons: The locals, for starters they look like Fankie Muniz, and I asked one man where the waterfalls were (I didn’t know like every freaking where) and he said, ” Ya mean da water fallin off tha rocks? The water?” Yes, yes I meant that. Meanwhile his kid materialized with his face in my car window, I think if I didn’t catch him he would have sucked my soul out of my mouth or something, that damn phantom kid scared me.

 It seems being broke on a kid free week was more spectacular than imagined and all this amazing land is relatively close. So, essentially my week of parks was a full tank of gas and a lifetime of great memories with cool people.