Hello WordPressers, bloggers of truth, of opinions, and cat pictures. My time to blog has been decimated by the dreaded overtime at work. It seems that instead of hiring new staff, management said, “Hey, we’ll just work the staff we had double hard and it won’t really matter, am I right???” Great fucking plan. Because I for one enjoy not seeing my loved ones. That is why I absolutely refuse to poop on my lunch break. They are going to pay me to poop and I am going look at Facebook and Cracked.com while I do…savoring the solitary accommodations, and taking undeniable pleasure in the fact that I blow up the administration bathroom. Because…that’s why. Ha.
So, while working like every goddamn minute of my day and being exhausted after a fourteen to sixteen hour shift, I just haven’t been able to summon the creative strength to write anything worthwhile. You should see my drafts, I think I now have more of those than I do posts. So, I’m going to write about coworkers and the types you deal with across the board. This will be in installments b/c confession here; if a blog is much over 1000 words…it’s going to lose me. However I am going to the doctor to see if I truly have adult ADD…all the signs point to yes.
1. The Ricky Gervais
This guy or gal is the person you work with that has infectious laughter not like the kind that catches on quickly and everyone is laughing. No, the kind the brings forth disease, boils, abscesses…MRSA. It makes you cringe when this person laughs. What’s worse is this person is rarely to never (I say never) funny. However they go into a fit of hysterical laughter at their own jokes. They don’t notice that no one else is laughing. They don’t notice that people have something to do right fucking now when they approach. They don’t notice they are as funny as an unexpected pregnancy. This person is usually easy to get along with so their overkill of joviality is overlooked. However a hasty escape is my first plan of action, because abrupt interruption and walking away KINDA makes me feel like a dick. Sort of.
2. The Informant
This person’s sole purpose in the workplace is to point fingers and displace blame so as to project their actual incompetence as and employee on to you. This person spends more time pointing out what others do wrong they don’t really have time to do their own job. Which, they never do all that well. This is the last person to tell you drew the dick on the staff meeting flyer. I mean hey, that’s when modesty is necessary, not everyone needs to know how totally funny you are. But YOU know…you know. This person however will fail, and it will be in a biblical way. YES. The satisfaction is never more sweet when that fartknocker misspells a word or locks keys in an office. I mean I can almost taste the gratification. It’s so very sweet. Hey loser way to lock your keys up, stupid big butt sucky suck suck.
3. The Zealot
There is always someone who firmly believes in something. They believe in it hard. I mean so HARD. So I’m in the South, the most popular belief here being Christian. Which is whatever, fine, I applaud direction and faith in SOMETHING. Be it an omnipotent god or that you would defeat Michelle Obama in arm wrestling. Sorry, no one can. My irritation comes in when someone pushes their agenda hard, I mean so hard. They want to correct the very speaking patterns you have and make it relative to their way of thinking. If I don’t want to be positive about something I don’t have to be. If I don’t want to think that an occurrence was based on predetermined destiny and stars and shit then to me it didn’t. I don’t want to have to word things so as not hear a lecture or sermon. I want to eat that cupcake, yes it has sugar, gluten, fat but it also has chocolate chips so back up or get jacked up. There are some people that you would swear they are selling more than they are living their own life.
4. The Open Book
Most of the time when someone says they are an open book it’s more a red flag than a attribute. The open book has drama and not the sexy 50 Shades of Grey drama, no regular drama that no one but Jody Picoult cares about. Sometimes it’s real life problems and sometimes is fantastical hardships unimagined since I don’t know the Dust Bowl. No one ever, ever asks but this person will divulge. They tell you about uncomfortable things that range from the disease the have (you’re lucky if it’s just one) to relationship problems, to the 99 other problems that besides a bitch. They talk to their coworkers like someone else would talk to a close friend. The good thing is this type of person isn’t fishing for you to provide feedback, they don’t care. They really only want to talk about themselves.
Well kids that’s all the time we have for today. Remember to wash your hands before you eat and brush your teeth before bed. I hope to be back real soon!