Tag Archives: alcohol

Khaki Crazy Debauchery

I have mentioned before that my laptop had a rendezvous with death. I’m not much of a computer person but I think the fact that it won’t start-up is a good indication that it’s done for. Yes, it was plugged in…Yes, I turned on the “on” button. So instead of abandoning the blog I’ve come to love, I use my phone or I go to the library which makes me feel better about paying taxes. Not only am I using the internet but I’m surrounded by hotties. I’m not sure why, but the only other people who use the public library computers have a “skullet”. 

image

You and me should study some anatomy together.

Speaking of computers. I admire that people know like, a whole lot about them. In my mind the inside is a dated 3-D animation of grids and cubes. Not unlike a Trapper Keeper.

image

Pictured: the motherboard

I never really took a strong interest in computers and therefore am perpetually asking, “What the hell does that mean?” This put’s I.T. people in the “wizard” category, which includes; mechanics, mathematicians, and women who make kid clothes on Pintrest.

image

mechanic poop

This last weekend I’m pretty sure I saw the most wild I.T. department party since the beating of the fax machine on Office Space.

image

And so it begins

I witnessed this at bar with some karaoke. It’s been a while. So there was a group of guys, about five of them, in matching plaid shirts and khaki pants. I’m pretty sure they finished updating a huge company’s database and decided to loosen up a bit. You know just some good times with the bros.

image

It was a long day fixing adorable problems

So these guys start drinking and singing. I mean that’s typical of a karaoke bar right? Yes of course. Well, they drink a lot. They start laughing hysterically, they start yelling, they start…holding hands and dancing in a cirlce? Yes. One lays on the table and another one stands in the chair. There was a lot of stumbling and or dancing to Poison. There happened to be a literal game of grab ass too.

Their antics continue until the slapping starts. Yes, they are slapping each other in the face and then hugging, then kissing each others cheeks. The night just got very confusing. I’m not sure if these guys are going to fight or fuck or both. Either way there is going to be debate over whose chinos are whose in the morning.

image

Dude, dude the boss just asked for that file and I sent a pic of my junk!

They left the bar walking arm around shoulder in a line kind of deal. Everyone inside was like, “What the hell was wrong with those I.T. guys?”. I suppose it’s not right to assume they were, but come on they were.

Hi! My Name Is: Please Validate Me With Your Attention

Television, specifically reality television, has created a monster.  Suddenly everybody feels they need to be famous?  There’s a reason, Sir Douche MacBaggin’s of Hollister (no matter how popped that collar is) that you’re not; because you have no outstanding fucking talent.  Don’t be sad, you just have to work a regular job like the rest of us mediocre folk.  It’s been that way since the dawning of mankind, everyone wants to be more widely influential than they are probably destined to be.  All the while these people with enthusiastic, yet shallow, aspirations alienate themselves acting pretentiously to the point no one really likes them.

Well, that was the cold hard facts, but fortunately I have a loophole, take heed to my admirable advice….

Now ladies, you mean to tell me you aspire to be filmed drinking and being overtly slutty with strangers to fulfill your desperate need for attention is REALLY validating? Sure it is!  Example;  mom of the year dancing onstage drunk beyond oblivion while the crowd can see her panties and ruggedly worn “lady” parts will in no way have a negative effect on her child. Her daughter will always know how smart mom is for starring in a video on You Tube.

Why do this? Well, like the you, it’s easy.  Do not waste the time to educate yourself so that you are an interesting person to talk to.  No one cares about the economy, religion, philosophy, or politics. Well no one cares that is significantly fucking cool (excuse me I mean: Rly effin’ kool). It’s easier to wear a short skirt and it’s fun to degrade yourself with lewd behavior! Anyone can knock a few alcoholic beverages back because let’s face it people are only interesting when they drink, so make sure you drink the most. I mean guys definitely form meaningful relationships with a girl who puts out after some Screwdrivers and insincere ego boosting compliments.  While you landed prince charming, everyone else who happened to see you at the bar is so impressed by you. They wonder how THEY can know such an amazing, inspiring person themselves.

Hey, post some more cleavage shots on Facebook because that will tell everyone you are self confident and in no way seeking any form of attention. Everyone knows you really think you are as attractive as you say you are.  Make sure your status updates offer too much personal information or even blog about it because EVERYONE in the entire country cares about your specific problems that you bring upon yourself.  I mean, really, everyone cares about you as a person (though you lack any discernible talents). There is no doubt  we ALL must know who you are.

Reach for the stars, because lucky for you, your need to lash out due to a deeper desire for acceptance will award you your 15 minutes.  Your thinly veiled confidence is just as alluring as your whiskey/vomit breath.