Tag Archives: communication

Shut Your Pie Hole: Part Three

I’ve written before about conversational faux pas, not once, but twice before. Well, it’s always fun to revisit my favorite subject; people being assholes all day everyday.

Well I’ve gathered some more violations that coincidentally render me full of overwhelming desire to whirl my arms in a windmill action and run straight forward into the person talking.

3. Being a condescending arrogant fuckface about uncommon knowledge.
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Everyone has a hobby or interest and with that carries a superior knowledge pertaining to that particular subject. Perhaps they are a “specialist” in the area.

For example you have someone who’s really into a specific music genre. They are absolute snobs about specific varieties because just enjoying music that you like is absurd. This can relate to the inability to acknowledge legitimate talent to a “sell-out” music group. No one is less discriminating in taste because they don’t know about the all transsexual (and one bear) jazz fusion group from Iceland you post You Tube videos about on Facebook all fucking day. Furthermore, no one purposefully clicks those links and when they do they say “Uh! Damn you touch screen! Go back!” However this is the same type of person who is an absolute snob about you saying, “Oh hey, so I downloaded The Black Key’s new album and it’s so good.” They in turn have to dramatically roll their eyes and make face just to say, “They became SO commercial, I can’t believe you listen to that.” They manage to alienate themselves as much as their music alienates itself because you, know, most people don’t like it. Ha.

My senior year English teacher was arrogant prick about all things grammar. It was like he was flabbergasted he had to teach us anything. How dare we students need to be educated? He, by the way, must have had heinous Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia. His nickname was “donkey balls”, also his wife looked like a man. One time, a student realized that his wife happened to be another teacher there and exclaimed, “That’s your wife? I swore I thought she was a les…um…oh…crap.” My teacher’s balls were pulsating with anger. Ha.

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it's like I had my high school yearbook on google images

I’m not certain where the overconfidence comes from but I think it relates to how much someone identifies themself as a person with that activity or knowledge.

2. Insistent People Who Will Not Take NO for an Answer

It’s awkward enough to be polite as possible when you say “No” to an engagement you don’t want to commit to. It’s torture to say no a thousand freaking times. However, the other party is not getting the hint and is providing a million alternatives to enable you to attend. Maybe even murder…

Small example, say you hate pumpkin flavored anything in life. I do, if all forms of contraception was pumpkin flavored I would choose abstinence. More realistically, I would have an abundance of unplanned pregnancies.

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Drink I tell you, you have to watch your brother and sister tonight

Incidentally, someone insists you would just love THEIR version of pumpkin pie and abandon your prejudice, giving redemption to all pumpkins the world over. Making the Great Pumpkin and Linus really happy. Well, lets say you relent just to stop the not shutting up that’s going on. You realize suddenly, this is what Ke$ha’s mouth tastes like when she wakes up in the morning. You want to gargle with sulfuric acid. Yep, you still hate pumpkins.

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With one exception

This may or may not have happened to me personally, so that was all hypothetical. For whatever reason, these kind of people don’t interpret the words that are coming out of your mouth as a decline to their invite so they just keep asking over and over.

1. Healthy Advice Givers When Advice is Not Asked For.

I actually, care a whole bunch about health. I work out, I eat healthy, I work in the healthcare profession. It’s my passion. I don’t say anything about to anyone, as if it were Fight Club. I eat my vegetables and humus and STFU about it while I do it. Now, my coworkers know that I live this way but only because they ask and I in turn will tell them. They cheered aloud when I joined them in a cupcake celebration. I mean, I am human, and…cupcakes.

However, no matter the GMO filled, hydrogenated fat packed, chemically treated foods they eat, I’m going to be silent. Everybody knows vegetables good, candy bad. Everybody. They have internet access, a library card and a physician just like me.

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This it's way better than having a life!

Well meaning health fanatics can sometimestake it to level ridiculous. They think they are privy to occult knowledge. I don’t mind being told about the dangers of a product’s chemical, I really don’t, but don’t be a hypervigilant nag about it. People tend to shut down when they experience constant correction. Also, people are going to live the way they want to and will not seek help until they are ready…if ever they are ready. So while a persistently critical health fanatic might live a long, healthy life it will probably be a lonely one too. This whole organic moment is growing in popularity (which, don’t get me wrong is really awesome), it’s ushered in a whole new kind of asshole behavior.

Well…that’s all for now. Comment, share…criticize (this may be shocking but not everyone it’s a fan of my blog).

Shut Your Pie Hole: The SYFF edition

I have previously posted about habits people have that make communicating with them personally impossible. Honestly, there are people who, while they speak, I cannot stop thinking about when they will shut up. The content is simultaneously disregarded  while delivered in correlation to the irritability factor of said sender.  I have to revisit this topic as I have become aware of more communication infractions. Here is the link to my previous post

Shut Your Pie Hole

Voice Demodulation. I know that I speak for everyone when I say, volume is emphatic and the louder you speak, the more people listen. Environmental distractions such as the feature film in a movie theater are loud, so you need to conquer; decibel wise.  No one paid to see a movie, they obviously paid to listen to your whit. I do enjoy a live version of Mystery Science Theater 3000 for sure, but I really like being with the person that’s captivating the audience. I feel really cool by default. Of course loud talking is applicable anywhere; grocery store, library, funeral home, etc. Thanks human social network for your status update, I am so glad your fourteen year old daughter is pregnant. I’m sorry about your fungal issues.

Studies “They” do. I don’t know who “they” are myself, but “they” are so fucking smart. I already know that if someone starts their fact with “They say…blah blah I have no idea what I am talking about, blah, blah.” chances are they are droppin’ science (and droppin’ it all over). Now when I imagine the studies conducted by “they” I cannot really even wrap my mind around the vast array of data provided to me daily. “They say daddy longlegs are the most dangerous spider in the world, they’re mouths are too small to bite you.” Wait, what? GET the fuck out! I have been in the potential danger of a necrotic venom capable of radical organ tissue damage all this time and the CDC never warned anyone? Thank goodness “they” as a collective study things in their sky laboratory protected by wizards. This crazy group of scientists that calculate endlessly, anonymously always descending their knowledge to other really deserving and intelligent people. Thanks “they” I quit peeing in public pools so as not to change the color of the water around me and embarrass myself!

Lastly, the fact that you would do whatever I did in the situation far better than me. In actuality, most people probably do respond more appropriately than me in many situations, I’m not know for the best decision making. See also: workplace disciplinary action. For whatever reason I am telling a story that involves conflict and resolution, I didn’t really want to complete the story. I simply provided a description of a real life situation personal to me for which you give a hypothetical ending. Please divulge me in your accurate action taking, decision making, and idealistic outcome.  I’m also glad your rapid, yet pretend, reaction is going to somehow improve the situation  though it already happened.

Perhaps this post will be revisited with a part three? I say likely.

Awesome Ink…Have You Been to Prison?

I am in love with tattoos.  I like for my men to have a few.  I myself have some and would get more if my funds weren’t so tight.  That being said I refuse to get a cheap tattoo from a guy who owns a tattoo gun and will give you one for 3 or 4 Dilaudid.  I want them to look nice.  I want to have a drawing or photo and for that to be transferred skillfully onto my skin by a talented artist in an establishment the health department does visit.  I am sure their needles are not infested with Hepatitis C (I’d rather have sex with Tommy Lee to get that).


Fortunately, there are plenty of people who get really bad tattoos.  A lot of them seem to trademark certain cultural groups.  Strippers like to get cherries.  Rednecks like to get Native American chiefs, feathers and wolves.  Bikers get naked chicks while their old lady gets the boob tattoo of a rose.  Bros get Japanese symbols and koi fish. Thugs get words on the neck or stomach and usually one dead person’s portrait. Eighteen year old girls get butterflies and their name which mom spelled phonetically “Krystyle”, “Aimee” or “Rebekkah”
My personal favorites were covered on the arms of this guy at my apartment pool.  He was called, by people who were about his age and only two teenage boys, “Uncle Mike.”  He wore jorts to swim in (the cut off jeans that are transformed into trendy, yet practical shorts).  He had decadent blue ink tattoos of words and pictures all over his browned and leathery skin, a complexion that is appealing to me because I find melanoma sexy. The tattoos were faded and became more of a Rorschach test on his body than homage to whatever state penal system he visited.
As he smoked, and said goddamn in front of small children, I observed him.  I began to imagine his dirty nail beds touching me and fondling me.  I wanted to run my hands through his sporadically washed, unkempt hair. I could not discern whether he was actually paying rent at my apartment complex, indigent, or sleeping on a buddies’ couch after his unappreciative girlfriend kicked him out.  His, I assume nephews because he was Uncle Mike, were a reflection of selective breeding and good genetics.  They were delightfully thin to the point of emaciated, and the skin between their acne was quite nice.  The fact that they were very loud with their charming prepubescent voices and running wildly around the pool was an absolute delight to me as I found them to be so funny! I felt almost dirty because I wanted to touch these boys like I was a school teacher.
Eventually Uncle Mike stumbled towards me.  I was so nervous I pretended to ignore him and appeared to be enthralled by the book I was reading because I like to play really, really hard to get. To my dismay I played it too cool when I did not respond to his comment about myself being totally hot and he’s not too old for me.  He walked off and I think he called me a cunt, which turned my attraction for him into a longing.  I was broken-hearted when he decided to leave and go to the local bar.  I wanted to tell my son, “Put your floats on, I’ll be back in a couple of hours.” I know that after some counseling and loss of respect for women he would understand. I had one chance to spend the night with this Adonis.
Well I collected myself and thought better of leaving with Uncle Mike.  He would only break my heart after leaving me abandoned and smelling like motor oil.  I will always be left to wonder what would have could have been.  I am guessing it would be similar to having sex with a rock star, and maybe I could still get Hepatitis C! Despite the fact I wanted to use my tongue to explore his gums where teeth were missing, I went home.  No doubt I fantasized endlessly, but I was proud of myself.  I am not enough of a woman for Uncle Mike and those sexy tattoos.