Aerobicidal Tendencies

I workout. I workout to maintain a semblance of physical fitness. I’d lie if I said it was all about health, wellness and endurance. I’m vain, and I don’t want my butt to jiggle in leggings. Which, by the way, I love leggings. I bought a pair of leopard print ones that channel my inner Peg Bundy. They’re pretty awesome.

Style. Class. For the win.

I did a post about driving and an example of random thoughts I have on any given commute. Well, this is a post about random thoughts that I have before, during and post workout. Here goes:

I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go. I’ll have one more cup of coffee and then I’m ready. Ugh, I think my muscle is kind of pulled. This coffee is delicious. Perhaps one more rest day won’t hurt? No, no, I have a high school reunion coming up.

When the fuck is science going to make us bionic? I for one cannot wait.

It’s off to the gym and the dreaded parking lot. Why in bloody hell do you insist on trying to park as close as possible to the front door when you are going to exercise? Oh my God, you do not have to run me over to get the space.

“You’re good on this side.”

I’m inside, now I have to swipe this membership card of me, the one that looks almost as bad as my driver’s license.

“You sound like a sexy cheeseburger”

I’m ready, let’s do this

I like to stretch in inappropriate overtly sexual ways, but it’s because I need my hamstrings to loosen, not for attention

Inevitably, the female in me starts to look around at other women working out so I can self loathe some more by making irrational comparisons…..

Fuck You

Fuck You

You’re Cool

The View is apparently the only thing on TV for the first four hours of the day, damn you “Baba Wawa”.

Why does this show seem four hours long?

Perhaps some music? I forgot to charge my iPod, and my headphones appear to have been tied in knots by boy scouts. Audible sigh of frustration.

I need to know that I’m too sexy today: sad face.

What the hell are these hens clucking about? It’s like an hour of who can talk over who the loudest about menopause.

“Vaginas and stuff, cluck cluck cluck”

There are treadmills in Catholic hell ( their version of hell seems pretty shitty). I’m sure of it, reserved for the most wicked of souls.

“No one at my gym will simulate the Ok Go video with me, something lame about injuries and my being a stranger.”

I’m finally done, I hurt everywhere, I’m covered in sweat, and I stink. I’m gonna look like a stone cold fox in my leopard print leggings.

I have lofty goals in life and need a date to the Golden Corral with these bad boys.

I’m getting dressed in the locker room, and some of these women refuse to put clothing on. They complete their entire morning routine naked, as if they were home. I mean it’s cool, whatever, but bending over to blow dry your hair…not flattering ma’am. Now then, I imagine the men’s locker room looks like this:

Satisfied with these mental images and my extensive knowledge of menfolk, I leave. I feel accomplished and powerful, like an extreme couponer. I will start the madness over again tomorrow. Good day.

Rally Against Wieners, Not Bullies

There is a good chance this opinion makes me a bad parent.  Perhaps my parenting alone doesn’t already to that.  Either way, I feel a tinge of delight when my son comes home only to tell me a kid was mean to him.  Furthermore I am more delighted when he says he called the kid a “butt doctor”. I fully support a degree of childhood bullying.

It’s not that I want other kids to be malicious to my son. I just want him to experience life’s challenges. Who better than to do this than peers?  I firmly believe a healthy dose of bullying is in order to raise a productive adult. This is how kids learn what is socially acceptable. Your kid should know it’s not okay to lick snot from his nose instead of wiping it with Kleenex. His peers have the responsibility to call him “Snotty Scotty for three years if he does.  Let’s face the truth; no one likes a weirdo. If no one tells this kid he’s gross, he will do this as and adult, and never date.  Next thing you know he had sewn a row of people’s mouths to buttholes in order to create a human centipede.

I feel like a degree of opposition will build character. Every kid needs to argue, and by that learning to take a firm stance on his beliefs.  That means Bret Michaels is a much cooler diabetic than Wilford Brimley, end of discussion.  Even better is learning the ability to stand up for beliefs when they are criticized or challenged.  Your kid needs to be called a dummy by his peers every once in while and then he needs to learn how to fire back with supporting statements said with total conviction.  You know… or at least say “your mom”.

I applaud that kid who will tell my own he is wrong.  I think every kid needs to know not to open his mouth at any opportunity to speak his opinion.  I even want my son to learn he can and will be wrong so don’t try to be the authority on everything or you will be in jeopardy of  ”fucktard” status.  This helps him avoid being the adult who defends Old School as cinematic comedic excellence with an undue vigor.

I am not saying kids should be harassed to the point it’s traumatic to go to school.  I am saying there is no need to isolate your kid and tell his teacher every single time the other kids are “mean” to him.  If you are overbearing it’s your fault; you put wet naps in his lunch box and cut the crust off his PB&J.  It’s your fault he’s the kid who gets pegged in the face with a dodge ball after he’s out, for the second time.  Maybe the PE teacher wouldn’t silently cheer to himself if you didn’t train him to tuck his gym shirt into his shorts and have a bowl cut.  Don’t call the principle because this is your mess.

These kids are doing your wiener kid a favor in life.  Yes he may still have his glasses on but that doesn’t stop life’s balls from slamming into his face.  He needs to know LIFE IS NOT FAIR.  Just like 7th grade gym class, there is no mercy.

Lastly, I will say that when you receive negative feedback you learn to be self-aware and compensate in other areas of your life.  Perhaps your kid runs slow and can’t play sports, that kid who tells him he ruined the game did him a huge favor.  Your kid will pursue drafting, something he is good at.  Maybe now he can focus his energy into that and possibly become an engineer.  I feel like it’s a natural process of elimination.  My kid can realize his weaknesses and utilize his strengths.  I just hope that he doesn’t have a knack for creating human centipedes.