Tag Archives: public

Confessions About Poop, A Very Mature Post

Usually, pooping is untold relief. Sometimes pooping is absolutely dreadful. It may be that morning after a night of drinking. It may be coming home after eating Hooter’s hot wings. It may be the absolute worst one…post baby delivery first poop or as I like to call it third birth.

stinkyface

Actually, this guy has a scratch and sniff picture of Ke$ha

So I comprised a list of the most dreadful poops in life:

The New Relationship Poop at the House.

There's something I've got to tell you...maybe show you if it's impressive enough

There’s something I’ve got to tell you…maybe show you if it’s impressive enough

Despite the obvious truth, everybody poops, it’s really difficult to let a new partner know this. When you progressively spend more time together you inevitably spend enough time for the digestive system to need evacuation. That first time you are at their house and you go to the restroom, it’s terrifying. I personally get anxiety, and don’t want to admit to myself what is about to happen. It’s time to take things to the next level. I go ahead and embarrass myself by announcing, the impending deuce I’m about to drop. Because by not telling and letting said person go in the restroom directly after me only to smell what the Rock is cooking is horrible. Much more embarrassing.  So I usually say, “Um, don’t go in that bathroom, give it like five to ten…just sayin’…love that shirt…look a unicorn on TV!” However, once that initial earth shattering monumental step has been taken, it’s over forever and pretty soon your opening the door while your duking just to say what a stupid bitch Jill at work is and her new haircut looks like she was infested with lice while in an eighteenth century British prison…fuck her.

Public Poop

I think she has to poop too, so the problem cancels out autonomously

I think she has to poop too, so the problem cancels out autonomously

Pooping in public is intimidating and scary. The private bathrooms offer some solace. The chances of the person following behind you in a one person restroom being someone you know aren’t very likely, there being like billions of people on the planet. However even strangers are troublesome in a multiple stall restroom. They walk in, and they know that your pair of feet is the cause for the hearty aroma. They know you had to poop and couldn’t finish shopping at Micheal’s, you had to put aside the glitter, yarn and beads to go work on a new project. Now, if I’m finished, I’m too ashamed to come out if it was indeed me that was pooping. I’ll wait the other person out, thinking, come on, how long are you going to stand in here? However if I’m done and the restroom is empty, I have no problems with someone walking in. It’s a crime with no perpetrator then. See, anyone else could have left that phantom poop. It’s not always the person applying lip gloss at the mirror. I’m not caught at the scene of the crime, now I’m just and accessory after the fact. Or maybe I think this because I don’t readily accuse the person still in the restroom. That’s unfair. The suspect could have fled minutes ago. Either way, I try to make it home.

I am ashamed of nothing.

I am ashamed of nothing.

Well, those two scenarios are probably the worst I can think of. Sometimes I ask God if he’s real, then ask if he’s listening, then I just ask him why do we poop and why did I drink so much coffee? I don’t really get answer, and I don’t forget to courtesy flush.

Out of Order Means Out of Order

I don’t exactly advocate profiling in a manner that cannot differentiate a potentially dangerous person from someone harmless.  We all know looks are deceiving and appearances are not always indicative of a person’s individual character.

However, its difficult not to assume that the woman wearing  all white Reeboks, slouch socks and jean shorts does not anticipate the reunion tour or Poison and Cinderella in her hometown.

I cannot help but assume that when furniture is left beside the apartment dumpster that Mexicans will not pick it up (I watch, for serious, 10:1 ratio).

Profiling can be insulting when it becomes prejudice but it can also be helpful. The word simply has a negative connotation.  Meaning the FBI’s use of studies, collective data and similar personality traits may help capture a serial killer.  The use of marketing to a certain demographic can result in a successful business.  Also, everyone knows when not hurtful in nature it can make a joke funny ( it’s still a good idea to hold your breath and wait until the black guy in the group laughs…just sayin’).

Where I am lost is; how the hell do you profile the person who poops anywhere besides the toilet in a public restroom?

Equally as bad, the person who observes the out of order sign on the toilet and proceed to poop in the toilet (or on the sign) with brazen disregard.  That’s gross but even worse is the person who adds to the first person’s contribution.  Truthfully I say to you I have seen two different identifiable turds (color, size, etc.) indicating only two things: This one person has a serious gall bladder or pancreatic problem or two different jerks pooped in the broken toilet.

Then of course who is this person that poops outside of the toilet? I am not speaking of the inadvertent smudge on the toilet seat following a tempest bowel movement, it happens. I am speaking of poop on the floor, wall, toilet paper dispenser, sink and ceiling!

I then wonder; do they pick up the turd and place it there?  Do they attempt to poop in a crazy uncomfortable position  that defies laws of physics?  If so, how do they align butthole with target and with deadly accuracy?

Could there be other dimensions and maybe those other world people’s toilets flush into our world?  Perhaps a wizard’s poop is on the automatic hand dryer?

Where I am very concerned is these people walk among us.  This weird ass person could be your librarian, boss, coworker, butcher, mayor, or your mom (or my mom).

I have never looked at a person and thought; they pooped on McDonald’s floor.  Who does this? How does one begin to define the personality type that does this?  Yet another situation where profiling could be good.