Tag Archives: romance

Business Proposals and Nudity, Nudity…Nudity

Greetings readers, lovers, lovers of men, lovers of women, lovers of Chaz Bono. What shall my topic be today? Today I want to talk about failed romance, broken dreams and ca$h fuckin’ money.

I'm Chaz!

I’m Chaz!

I have recently started a new relationship and so far I’ve been really happy and very excited about it (I am doing a shrilly girl scream as I type thisssss!) This is good, good for me. Sorry Gavin Rossdale, our adulterous affair must end. It’s over. Stop calling me. Or, just send me nude text messages.

555-4415

555-4415

Well, I’ve ranted against exes in the past. I’m far enough removed from the hurt feelings (and there were a lot) to not really get nasty in this post. Who wants to hear goddamn Morrisey the entire forty minute car ride with the singing along. Hint: not me. Reality check; one time someone said you look like Bruce Willis not fucking true, stop thinking that. Today. Okay, that’s it, I’m done.

You see, I’m twenty-eight. That being said I’m at the age where you can either date a romantically dysfunctional person or you can hope with fingers, toes, and eyes crossed someone awesome will have been dating someone who sucks…and here they are post break up or divorce and ready to be good to you. I’m hoping that’s the case.

Walgreens ran out of cards...

Walgreens ran out of cards…

Now, about eight months ago, in the depths of post break up despair, I had the support of some wonderful friends. One in particular that listened to the tear-filled angst. She sat patiently as I did this, a lot, because who likes to feel played and foolish? Not me, probably not many people.

We talked of course about her exes and mine and how crazy they act sometimes. Then there was a light bulb.

We could actually start a dating service for people who are already couples but have troublesome exes. Maybe only one person does. Maybe they both do. Either way, we know the best way to get an ex of your nuts is to get them on someone else’s right?

So it’s only logical to set up the ex with someone who is single, looking and tragically co-dependent! You see, the screening process is simple, applicants will be asked general questions about relationships and the one’s most cuckoo for cocoa puffs will be set up with your totally unaware ex, with “clandestine” meetings.

This means that the crazy ex can then have a crazy fucking new boyfriend or girlfriend and probably won’t call or text because for the eleventh time their phone has been smashed to bits because a female cousin asked for grandma’s new number.

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On paper this seems pretty awesome. My friend is a genius. I think perhaps we’re really on to a possibly successful business venture. Either way it made for great laughs at times when, admittedly, I didn’t feel much like laughing. Now, well damn that’s old news. That dude can take so no less that one thousand dicks in his mouth.

Besides, losers and jerks make you appreciate the smallest of genuine sincerity as you embark on a journey with someone new. Those are not fun life lessons, but if they are learned, they become valuable tools in all relationships. Meaning friends and family, not just the person you have sexy time with…unless that’s your thing. Which, I suppose is cool.

Noway V-day

I don’t care about Valentine’s Day this year.The only thing I have ever really liked about Valentine’s Day thus far is the Simpsons episode where Lisa gave Ralph a valentine, he fell in love with her, she broke his heart in front of Krusty the Clown. Classic episode.

To be honest I can’t help but be bummed this go round (I always am if I’m single). It really is the one day of the year I resent all things romantic only to return to normalcy the following day, and I’m once again happy for those in relationships that work. It gives me hope that I will eventually get a box of  lame chocolates (that I take a bite of and swear that one was diarrhea filled)  from someone who is adversely more awesome than that box of chocolates. Perhaps even better, a heartfelt acknowledgement of affection on days other than this ridiculously obligatory holiday.

Without running the risk of coming across as the ultimate C-word and being too negative, I just want to share with you, in my opinion, the worst Valentines Day gift.

Today I heard an advertisement on the radio for a four-foot teddy bear from Vermont Teddy Bears. I don’t think I would be happy with not only a stupid gift but a GIANT stupid fucking gift. So it has to take up the same amount of space as a fat child? The claim on the radio was that “she can’t help but think of you every time she looks at it.” Well, of course not, because it’s taking up half the room and it’s staring at me while I undress (furthermore I think I see it’s silhouette in the shower curtain…it’s going to kill me). I can’t help but think how out of touch a guy must be to buy this. I can’t help but think how I will get rid of it and what story will I tell when I do. How is this going to easily fit in the Salvation Army donation box? Or the dumpster? Can I use it in the carpool lane to scoot through morning traffic?  I think I outgrew teddy bears when I was a child, so why not buy a bigger one because I’m a bigger adult? I’m not being shallow, I am being genuine, that gift sucks.

I’m not going to listen to “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morrisette on repeat. I’m not going to promise I won’t want to puke on my computer tomorrow when every one posts a mobile upload of their gifts and dinner. I think that not having a “valentine” this year cancels out the possibility I will get this stupid big bear.  I welcome this gift about as much as waking up tomorrow to discover I suddenly have androgynous genitalia.

Actually, if any attractive guys that happen to be gainfully employed and won’t make me listen to Morrisey all day EVERY day want to buy one of these this year…you’ll be single for me next year on Valentine’s day…I included the link above so get to it, they have guaranteed delivery for tomorrow.