Facts About The Penes

Today I’m taking you to school, penis school, the plural of penis is penes (pronounced like weenies). Today you will learn facts, facts that make you smart, almost as smart as me. Let the smartening commence:

Fact #1

Diphallia, penile duplication (PD), diphallic terata and diphallasparatus are all acceptable names for a very rare medical condition that results in a male being born with not one, but two penes. I like to call this condition, “Stevie Ray Vaughan and the Double Trouble” or “La Hydra“. By rare I mean, 1 in 5,500,000 menfolk suffer this condition and uncomfortable briefs in America.

While you can make a sweet “helicopter” action, you may also suffer from sterility. This is not be confused with genital bisection which happens to be an elective procedure for absolute weirdos that want their penis to look like a hot dog bun.

Look at all the dicks in this picture!

Fact # 2

Nature has the sense of humor of a twelve year old. The Penis Plant, the Penis Cactus or less commonly known Trichocereus bridgesii looks like, well, a pot full of human dicks. Right now I’m online trying to purchase one because let’s face it, this is going to be hilarious to give to grandma on Christmas Day. What’s better is  in Germany, this plant is classified as a Frauenglück which translates to “women’s joy”. I love Germans, I love their level of weird too.

Fact #3

In New Guinea, it’s tradition for the native males to don a koteka, or a penis gourd over their genitals. Fashioned from dry gourds they are held by strings. One tribe wears two gourds, no they do not have Diphallia, they use the secondary gourd to carry their belongings like wallet and cell phone? Yep.

“The Man” or the “Govment” don’t approve of the fashion statement and in the  70′s they attempted to put a stop to this with ”Operasi Koteka” (“Operation Penis Gourd”). This sounds pretty covert and high tech right? Well it seems the government was really trying to encourage the tribesmen to wear modern clothes like gym shorts and t-shirts. It didn’t go over well since the people within the tribe were not used to wearing these items nor were they aware that they should wash them. Kotekas are not allowed in government buildings so you better bust out your best pair of Umbros for the library. Adversely the tribesmen of New Guinea refuse to wear socks with sandals claiming it to be “Like, the worst fashion faux pas ever”.

“I want my gourd back, NOW”

Fact #4

Animals really do bone each other. A baculum is a bone found in the penis of many mamals. Humans, dolphins, whales and most marsupials are some of the few that are the exception to this of course. Not that marsupials follow mammal rules anyway. Hence the duck bill platypus, the animal that gives evolution a middle finger. Like, “Fuck you, I’m a mammal that lays eggs, let your science teacher explain that!” What a troubled genus.

Scientists and like, other smart people believe that humans lost these through the years due to our tendency to copulate less than other primates (hmmm really?). Well, unless your Mormon or a Dugger. Basically, monkeys sex it up all day every day so they can extend their species and they have a built in “Performance Enhancer” at all times. So, no calling in for a free sample of Enzyte for these guys, they’re too busy disfiguring people who try to understand them anyhow.

Fossilized walrus baculum: DAYUMMM!!! 

Fact # 5

The oldest dildo to date is comprised of siltsone and approximately 30,000 years old. It was found in the Hohle Fels Cave of Germany, the prehistoric Hustler. So, it seems my high school English teacher did not own the world’s oldest dildo…though she was ancient.

THIS is educational.

 

I hope you learned a lot today and I also hope you got a mental image of your own high school teachers. Until next time, my fellow penes.

Reality TV and Predicting Psychosis

What’s more disappointing than a fight that doesn’t climax into blood shed, bone breakage and  destruction? A girl fight. Specifically, a reality TV girl fight. For whatever reason, this is gaining in popularity, while adversely being the number one channel changing factor in my television viewing.

wait for it….wait for it….wait for it….wait for it….wait for it….

I happened to watch The Bad Girls Club on America’s most accidentally watched channel: Oxygen. Oxygen is trying to be a trendier Lifetime Network. While at any given time on Lifetime you can watch a movie about an evil man (with a penis) stalk a cervical cancer patient who is a successful attorney with an abducted daughter that may or may not be a psychic medium haunted by the ghosts of murdered sorority girls (who are bullied on-line). You think I am being sarcastic I’m not, turn your TV to lifetime, if it’s not a Poise commercial, it’s going be what I described. Tori Spelling may or may not be in this one, when she’s not Kirk Cameron plays the heroine. Yep, he does, he plays the women in Lifetime movies. I don’t make the rules. I obey them.

Now back to Bad Girls Club and shows like it. Following the success of Jersey Shore, it seems like there are more reality shows that showcase dumb girls. I don’t particularly take offense as a woman, we all know reality TV is scripted and just for ratings. Plus, I should be fetching beer and getting pregnant right? Yeah, sounds about right.

Thankfully, my IUD turns my uterus into the final round of American Gladiators for my eggs. Blaze and Ice kicking ass, taking no prisoners…then making out.

My biggest beef with reality TV is the arguing that goes nowhere. I am not sure what producer decided an uneventful shouting match would efficiently fill air time. I hate shouting matches anywhere really, and maybe that’s why I hate it on TV. I’m about action, don’t talk about fighting, get to it. I want to see someone actually bust someone in the mouth not deliberate on it for ten minutes until “security” breaks it up. These people might as well say, “Hey, we’re not really going to fight, just yell alot, don’t waste your time gathering. If security could go ahead and get in between us as we continue to yell but passively allow ourselves to be escorted away that would be pretty cool too.”

“Liar Liar pants on fire!”

The Bad Girls club is the biggest offender of this. Here’s how the show goes:

skank 1: “I’m gonna pop off up in here and go crazy on you bitches!”

skank 2: “I’m drunk and mad, I’m going to yell really loud and not wear panties! I’m about to go crazy!”

skank 3: “I like to yell! Who is not aware I’m a badass? Why am I mad? I don’t remember! Guys think drunk girls are sexy, where are my panties?! Who wants to throw this bitch’s mattress in the pool? I’m about to go crazy!”

Bikinis or nudity is mandatory “One of us, One of us”

That is a summary of the show, if you have DVR, you can play the show at any moment and that’s exactly what’s happening. They additionally like to mention that they are “crazy” or “going to go crazy” as if psychosis has ample warning. Plus if there is an actual fight it will involve a lot of hair pulling, yawn, and then play by play account (and even Joe Rogan can’t make it seem awesome).

Joe Rogan tells Kellogs to fuck off

I’m just saying, when people for serious go crazy they lash out, and do not provide warning. Even if you have an intuitive and let’s face weird ass kid, you don’t get much preparation for the crazy.

Ha! Surprise!

Yeah like that! You know, I’ll just rent a pay-per-view instead.

Truths About Men Thus Sayeth Me

Greetings, today I wanted to use my infinite knowledge regarding men (the bepenised species) to impart some truths. Though these truths should be self evident, I suppose they may be unique to my own perception? Yes it is. It’s not really that deep people, this post is as serious as a Members Only jacket.

What Men Say vs. What Men Mean

WHAT MEN SAY:  ”I play in a band…” or the more modest, “I play an instrument, well, several, all well.”

“I am about to get sensitive up in here!”

WHAT MEN MEAN: “I play guitar hero better than my coworkers”

“Dude, bro,dude,bro,dude,bro….dude.”

WHAT MEN SAY: “I work on cars.” Implying a basic knowledge of vehicle maintenance and repair.

“I’ve found the problem, we’re overheated.”

WHAT MEN MEAN: “By cursing and throwing tools, no one will doubt my mechanical inclinations” Oh and, “These damn forgein cars! NO ONE can fix them!” No actually it doesn’t take a wizard, it takes a….MECHANIC.

Sssssmart!

WHAT MEN SAY: “I am so good at math, like all other men! Gawd we are so dominant and smart!”

“I am so ready to teach you the ways of the parallelogram. Let me get my…protractor out.”

By protractor I meant…penis. WHAT MEN MEAN: “A pizza is divided into eight equal parts, If I eat 6/8 of that pizza, I by that equation have delicious breakfast in the morning. If I add the sedentary variable, this equation will NOT result in myself being…gross and fat. Let’s have a fart contest.”

“I want to make love, and create baby pizza rolls with you.”

WHAT MEN SAY: “He doesn’t know who he’s messing with, I’m about to kick this guys ass!” Always the implied threat of violence, like all the time, as if you were some kind of walking Judgment Day machine.

“AMERICAAAA”

WHAT MEN MEAN: “Whatever happens, I’m going to use the safety phrase “I don’t want any problems, man.” It’s implied, understood, men who don’t really want to fight but appear like they are bad ass enough to, say this. The phrase is kind of like a code word to abort mission.

“Hold up, I meant nothing, now that you are reciprocating my hostility.”

WHAT MEN SAY: “I am efficient with computers!”

“Look at all this fancy high-tec shit I know how to do.”

WHAT MEN MEAN: “I am efficient at looking at porn, and getting viruses on my computer, then being mad because I can’t listen to Nickelback on Spotify.”

“Ain’t no party like Lemon Party cuz a Lemo- oh shit, shit, she’s home!”

WHAT MEN SAY: “I wouldn’t touch her with HIS dick!”(points at friend and thinks about friend’s penis).

Don’t you fret girl, he’s trying to impress his friends. Liking girls is soooo gay!

WHAT MEN MEAN: “If no one ever, ever knew, there would be no boundaries to the things that I would in fact do. If you add money to that, I’m game. “

No you do not even have to ask, DUH

Well, there you have it. I’m aware that I am deadly accurate with my opinions facts. Men, you have been exposed.

Even Rick Astley is Full of Shit

Promises to never; give me up, let me down, run around, dessert me, make me cry, say goodbye, tell a lie and or hurt me? Yeah, I doubt it but it’s catchy. I’ve heard these lines before, and I’ll hear them again. I have entered the dating world again about six months ago and realize it’s a tough. This is a far less bitter post about dating, because I’ve had an epiphany.

Check this out, if guys are going to put in copious amounts of ground work in order to get my goodies, why not capitalize on it. Now, don’t get it twisted I’m not a total fool. Some guys will put in months of groundwork only to drop me if I sleep with them, or don’t sleep with them soon enough.

I have decided that in order to remedy my hurt feelings, I’m going to make sure I make it worth my while. It’s time to experiment.

I want to see how far I can push the boundaries of what a man will do for my vagina. For starters, I think I will suggest a double colonic for our first date. I mean would a guy really be willing to get tubing shoved up his asshole and pumped full of water? I want us to get this done in the same room, no privacy curtain. It’s not like I find the idea of their impacted bowel contents running through clear tubes savory by any means, but I feel nothing could be more humiliating on a first date. You know, because it takes a while to poop in front of your significant other. In my opinion an open door poop is next level. It’s right up there with “I love you” and “Let’s bring other partners into our relationship, you down?”

Following this, and ten pounds of excavated feces, I am willing to bet he’s done. No? Well, then it’s time for a chick movie marathon. I hate romantic comedies, but I am willing to suffer through no less than ten of them just to torture this fool. I will be sure that all of them have a similar story line and even actors that look the same. This won’t be hard to do, most of them will have Jennifer Anniston and Drew Barrymore. I could probably pick them at random and pick pretty much the exact same fucking movie over and over again. Or, even better Titanic, seven times in a row. I will cry the whole time.  I’ll stifle my inward feelings of victory.

Perhaps dinner? Well, now it’s time to show off my table manners by getting trashed on several alcoholic  beverages. Now it’s time to unload all my baggage. I have a kid, so why not mention I am looking for a “daddy”. On a side note my kid has a fantastic father who couldn’t be better at taking care of him so it would be funny to me. I can talk about my knitting hobby, Precious Moments figurine collection and well old bloody band-aide collection. It’s perfect.

Yep, I have been letting the menfolk off too easy by being a level-headed girl that doesn’t blow up their phone. I am pretty self-confident but I think constantly seeking validation would be a better approach. Perhaps just to appear more reckless, I can throw in some daddy issues of my own albeit made up. It’s bullet proof.

I want to hear doves cry.

Why? Why Sheena would you put a man through the gauntlet like this? Well, instead of their smooth talk and lies, why not make them put in work. Talk is easy, why not? No more letting these boys off so easy. I mean how simple is it to buy dinner and give compliment or two (grandiose at that, I’m cute, but I’m not fucking Meagan Fox that’s why I work, dickface). If anything I can study this for scientific purposes, and we know scientists study a lot of stupid things that waste an inappropriate amount of funding. I simply want to see how far will a man go? Will he walk 5,000 miles, he will sing about it, will he do it? Stay tuned, I am unleashing pure hell on the dating realm. Insert evil laughter….here.

I kid, but it’s not a bad idea in theory!

Duck…Duck…PENIS!

I couldn’t help but click on the link to this story. I also could not help illustrating another news article. Without further ado…..

Woman Fired for Fake Penis, Lawsuit Says

SCRANTON, Pa. — A northeastern Pennsylvania woman claims she was fired from her job for wearing a prosthetic penis to work while contemplating gender reassignment.

Pauline Davis filed a federal civil rights lawsuit Wednesday against J&J Snack Foods Corp. over her termination from the company’s plant in Moosic, near Scranton.

Davis says she wore the prosthetic to work as a line inspector, informing some co-workers who passed in the information along to management. According to the suit Davis was fired even though the device didn’t interfere with her work.

Davis’ suit claims a male employee undergoing hormone treatments and female clothing was treated more favorably.

The suit was first reported by the Philadelphia Daily News. A phone message left by The Associated Press at New Jersey-based J&J was not immediately returned Friday.

Read more: http://www.azcentral.com/offbeat/articles/2012/01/13/20120113pennsylvania-fake-penis-firing.html#ixzz1jbyyoi6N

Canadian Slut Walk

"This will be my profile pic until it doesn't get attention anymore"

First let me start by saying; I listen to the Free Beer and Hot Wings Show on the radio every morning (102.9 The Buzz). It is exponentially better than Bob and Tom (I refuse to put the radio station because no one should ever listen to an unfunny, stupid fucking show like that).

The topic a while ago happened to be The Toronto Slut Walk. I gave my immediate undivided attention. What is this? How was I not invited? Sadly, the name Slut Walk was deceptive and not awesome (such as an actual parade of sluts). It was a demonstration serving as a rebuttal to statements made by a police officer in January during a class on crime prevention. He basically said to avoid being raped, a woman should not dress like a slut.

Audio clips of sluts participating were cliche comments about owning the word slut in order to change the negative connoctation. What a novel idea because it has worked so well with other historically derogatory words and certain ethnic groups…. Oh, no  not this argument…moving on. Another slut commented saying, “I think that I can dress in a thong and some tights, and maybe not wear any underwear when I am wearing a skirt and that not be a consent for me to get raped.”  Wow, I feel ya girlfriend! I too want to dress like I’m in a Poison music video and not get raped. I also want to gyrate on every Thunderbird I see.

Last week, when I was hanging out in a dark alley, I chose to not wear pants. Well, I was raped. Never you mind it was consentual between myself, the cab driver with a hare lip, and the sweaty homeless man who reuses condoms (that’s soooo green of him!). I was assaulted! I want to parade around in revealing clothes and pretend that I don’t like the aggressive sexual attention. I will probably then drink too much and get far too flirty.  Everyone knows that sexually suggestive comments are never taken seriously by men!  I draw the line way before  after a hasty anonymous exchange bathroom. What kind of girl do you think I am?

Thanks to made for TV movies, I know exactly what a rapist looks like. It will be a man with a moustache, mullet, Brooklyn accent, and denim jacket. When this guy solicits me I’ll pull out my expired mace and hose him. That will send him back to his Chevy Astro all butt hurt because his eyes burn and his Doral cigarettes are wet.

So, what did I learn from the Slut Walk? Nothing really I am not interested in causes and demonstrations for women’s rights. I don’t care because I wanted another place to wear my thong and  display my tramp stamp like a badge of honor. I wasted my money when I compulsively booked a flight to Toronto so I could participate, Expedia would only refund some of my fees. I do know that my clothes do not make me a victim, my actions do. The good news is I can lie, and then who’s the victim? Somebody else!Everybody wins, or I win, so everyone important wins.