Recently, I was introduced to a TV show so perfect, it will be the golden standard by which I judge any other program. What show could possibly be so great that I would call it the pinnacle of entertainment? This show is called Animal Hoarders.
This show documents people who have acquired so many pets (varied species) that it interferes with their daily lives and interpersonal relationships. The formula is simple; introduction, conflict, psychological counsel, and intervention. These ingredients combine to create a warm, gooey pie of perfection and an absolute indulgence for the mind.
The episode that I saw was about a woman who hoarded cats. I found this woman to be so unique that I was absolutely captivated by her. I will attempt to use my words to paint a portrait of her life. I am afraid my description will not be as adequate as experiencing the viewing pleasures for yourself.
I will begin with her house. This woman lives in a one bedroom shanty with her husband and approximately 80 cats. The entire dwelling is a litter box. While there was no functional appliances and scarce furnishings there was an abundance of cat urine and feces. As the camera pans across shelves of figurines and turds, the woman ingeniously states, “There ain’t no reason t’ clean it up they jus’ make a mess again!” What a simple yet profound statement and a good solution to a nagging problem.
The woman herself is older, short, and grotesquely obese. She is wearing a floral, sweaty, and stained, not to mention, sexy house dress. Her braless, massive mammary glands flop and flap about. She doesn’t exactly appear to smell like flowers. I am not wholly sure she is retarded. I am certain that 6th grade may have been the metaphorical roadblock on her educational highway to success. There are several moments where she takes the opportunity to claim, “didn’t nobody never love me like them cats!” Whats awkward is this is said at her daughter’s house during a family picnic.
The cats are also great. They appear to have survived an apocalypse that no one else was aware of. Most of them have the mange or odd skin disorders that render them covered with open sores and scabs. My favorite cat has only one eye but luckily it still has a leaky socket. To my personal elation the woman kisses this cat on a stream of festering eye drainage. There are several, but not enough, scenes where the cats (or vectors for the infectious process) crawl around in the bed with the woman and her husband.
Not only has this show captured my heart it has also exposed animal hoarders with their atrocious living conditions. This show lends credence to my general apprehension to participate in pot luck dinners at work.
We all work with someone who has too many animals. The most common stereotype being the old cat lady widow who wears cat hair covered holiday sweaters. She is living in filth. Mr. Pussyfoot just scraped around in the litter box and covered up his excrement, now he’s on her counter and, oh how cute, batting around the spoon she stirs with.
Maybe the weird dog lady has taste tested her hollandaise sauce after her dog got to 2nd base with her. I am sure that if I licked my own asshole and then licked the inside of her mouth it would not be as accepted as it is for the canine variety.
When you are selecting what item to scoop onto your Dixie plate, you need to ask who made what. Be aware that animal lovers’ homes are a reservoir for disease-causing bacteria. Better yet, go to the snack machine.