Tales of Almost

I infinitely love hyper-exaggerated tales of testosterone and general badassery.  What I love even more is tales where it ALMOST happened.  Where the lead character of the story (fiction story) is so intimidating that the opposing party runs away like the Putties that didn’t get beat up on Power Rangers. Sometimes the green ranger would show up and they would be like “Oh NO! He has a gold chest plate let’s get the fuck outta here!”

I am mesmerized by your fantastical tale of what nearly happened. I want to hear about how you posted up and your appearance was so threatening you sent the bad guy running, pleading with you for mercy.  I mean Steven Segal had to twist someones head and break their neck to get people to realize he’s a stone cold killa.  I am quite sure if given the chance you would have broken that guys arm in three places using simple street application. I mean this is way better than a story about a real fight, actual sexual encounter, or incidental hospitalization.

Your story about ALMOST hooking up with a hot chick (leave out she was unconscious…because you pulled the roofie sliperoo) then she threw up in your mouth. This is way more interesting than  say, actually getting paid to poop on a glass coffee table while some weirdo lies underneath in Las Vegas.

The key to good almost story telling is to build up to an anti-climactic finale.  make sure you capture your audience by telling them just how funny, interesting or awesome your story will be.  Start with “OH man, me and my friends are so crazy…” With that opening statement people know to get ready for an awesome story because you are so awesome. Add details not related to the story They should make the story take longer to tell. Once your audience has started looking around or at their watch, reiterate some of the supporting remarks you just made.  Then drop the ending on them like an atom bomb.  Stand there and expect an over the top reaction so you won‘t be disappointed.

The best time to tell an almost story is when someone is busy, trying to leave or, trying to hang up the phone.  Your audience is most accepting when they are visibly annoyed by your presence.  Exact best judgment and good etiquette by asking if the person is busy, if they say yes…perfect timing.

Well, if people still hate your fucking guts, I cannot imagine why.  You provide plenty of entertainment and tell a tale better than Aesop. So keep up the almost stories they are just as fascinating as your day to day life.

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