It’s common to forget things. You know, you get preoccupied and neglect to do something or make a small mistake. Such as talking on the phone and you miss the turn into Asian Massage. Maybe you forget to call mom on her birthday or you forget you’re related to your cousin and make out with him at a family reunion. Now this mistake did not end in a heavy petting session and later some rather awkward family photos. My now ex-boyfriend locked his keys in his car. A simple accident, hopefully not the onset of an inoperable brain tumor, but one that anyone (except me) could make.
Well, he calls a locksmith that happened to be quite reasonable. An agreement was made for a service transaction. While waiting for the locksmith some harmless taunting was in order. The locksmith arrives a short time later. An older gentleman gets out with a long forehead,large square frame, and flat butt, all of these delightful attributes had a Frankensteinian quality to them. He didn’t initially capture my attention as he greeted my ex. He was breathing heavily through his mouth though he didn’t appear to be physically exerted. The initial formal verbal exchange was brief and this man, named Dave, was ready to start working.
What happened next ignited my imagination as if a pretend line of gunpowder connected him to my mind setting it off in a passionate explosion. He danced around the 2004 Dodge as if it were his partner and the two were getting ready to perform the mambo of forbidden love. I am quite sure he did not have any tools as he made his way to the passenger side. There was then a series of faces that simulated mid orgasm. I think that maybe his penis unlocked the car. Perhaps it’s a special locksmith penis made to open cars and women’s legs. I imagine that he whispered to the car “I am going inside you don’t try to resist me.” Then, the car’s defenses and anti-theft deterrent system was rendered useless.
Well, my ex jovially asked him if he was a wizard of some sort, getting into the car so quickly. Dave stated, “All ya needs a good coat hanger and none that dang ole tintin’ on your windas.” His voice had a delightful nasal quality. I realized that Dave and his square forehead, Kansas City Chiefs sweater with egg still on it, and nicotine yellow fingernails were a cocktail mixture of things I find irresistibly intoxicating. I was suddenly thinking of how to approach the topic of an open relationship and incorporating Dave into it.
Dave went on to tell my ex that he needs a copy of his car key, a novel idea. Hold your water, two keys you say? One key for daily use and one key on standby in the event something should happen to the first one? Dave is ruggedly handsome, has a useful trade at his disposal, and highly intelligent. Despite being blessed with all these great qualities, Dave is apparently very sick. He tells my ex he is diabetic. Now I don’t know for sure if that is contagious…but he’s sure is giving me a fever!
He recounts his horrific battle with the disease going undetected by multiple doctors. Of course, why would the symptoms be so obvious when diabetes is such a rare endocrine disorder and a reputable doctor of an established practice could have easily missed it (the symptoms are so elusive). He tells how his “sugar” was so high that it did not even register on the glucose monitor. Imagine that! Dave managed to have a blood glucose level that high without ketoacidosis, kidney failure and hospitalization. I imagined the monitor throwing springs and breaking open in a cartoon like fashion because his “sugar” was so incredibly high. I do however, despite the medical impossibility, believe Dave and admire his bravery.
I love it when people wear their disease as a badge of honor. People should not only be proud that they have a disease but should tell everyone the extent of it as if it is a competition. For example, my cancer is so systemic its stage 5 and its not terminal it’s eternal (boom boom pow! bitch!)
To hear Dave talk about how he has foot problems, poor circulation and frequent urination was inspiring and in no way annoying to me. I admire people who are not ashamed to relay for you all the medical issues they are plagued with. When people do this and I haven’t even asked about their current state of health is even better.It’s like they can read my mind! I want to hear about every ailment and I demonstrate this by looking away, changing the subject and interrupting to say goodbye.
Dave received his payment and to my dismay, finished talking about his pancreatic woes. I wanted to hear more because all his talk about how advanced his disorder was due to poor preventive health maintenance made me hotter than a nursing home tech on shower day. I watched him leave and was already planning on locking my own keys in my car. I could not stop thinking about Dave and his the way he climaxed while he worked his mojo on the car. Damn he had swagger or maybe his feet hurt…