The Creeper

Everyone has, at some point, worked with the company “creepy guy”. He is concertedly accepted by coworkers as well as you as…very disturbing.
This guy can unflatten himself from between the vending machines, only to appear the exact moment you are making fun of the family photo on his computer background.  There is an immediate atmospheric change; bodies stiffen, casual conversation becomes awkward, and hasty exits are made.
Despite his repulsive demeanor, he is too often granted benevolence from workmates.  This is a direct result of his intimidating eeriness. Several times I have heard, “I am going to be nice to him, because when he snaps he might not shoot me first.” On the surface this a lighthearted statement made in jest but there is a solemn undercurrent that I detect.
I refuse to be tolerant of the creepy guy.  Fuck him and his activity deprived, squishy, and abnormally deposited cellular fat belly (that is separated by high waisted pants and a tight belt). I don’t know what happened in utero to cause this guy to be born without any semblance of normalcy.Creepy guy does not know that I am aware of what he is doing.  He doesn’t fool me.
First of all, creepy guy is not altogether dangerous.  He’s weird but he is more than likely not a stone cold killer.  People who murder without remorse are called sociopaths and only 1% of them commit such a crime. They often make an effort to fit in with society by being charming so they are unsuspecting.  A man with a bright smile, nice clothes, and good hygiene will lure a woman to a isolated area quicker than the guy with a greasy film on his glasses and red sweatpants. I conclude that the creepy guy poses less of a threat because his inability to connect with humans is exposed. Possibly because he doesn’t care about making a good impression, not because he hates people and is thinking of ways to dismember them. The Ted Bundy or Scott Peterson type are dangerous…they’re good looking and don’t send up an immediate red flag due to their ability to conform to social norms.
Why would the creepy guy not care about making a good impression with other people? He wants you to shudder as he approaches. He will wear pants that separate his balls.  He will smile too often and too wide if he has forty two upper teeth. He will eat a lunch that is not categorized as edible.  He will gladly talk about his pregnant silverback gorilla of a wife so that you are forced to imagine them having intercourse. His body odor is on purpose.
Why would someone want people to not like him? He knows how to manipulate people into actually being nice to him. He is smart enough to know he has flaws that are unacceptable.  Instead of going through the pains of self improvement, he decides to exaggerate what makes him repugnant. He does this mostly at his job site because due to management enforcing a harmonious working environment, his peers have to be cordial with him.
With an expectation of professionalism, associates must abstain from name calling and blatant a display of contempt the creepy guy deserves.
I will not be altruistic and say accept him for being different.  He knows he is weird and derives real pleasure from it (almost the same amount of pleasure as when he eats an entire pack of pepperoni and masturbates with red-orange fingers while watching iCarly).  If the creepy guy will not conform to social formalities and act like the general populous in terms of etiquette, then I will not be accommodating and sensitive to his feelings.
I am going to make fun of creepy guy, his enchanted woodland creature wife, and his androgynous children. How do these guys always have that daughter who is fat with boy hair? Why does his wife look like Big Paulie from Goodfellas?
I stand by these statements and in the small possibility that he may get homicidal due to my ridicule…I’ll bring a concealed weapon to work.  I am always one step ahead…


29 responses to “The Creeper

  1. I want it known that the fat guy photo you used in this blog. WAS the background of my computer, which was used as a motivation to work out. I’m not sure if it worked. :-p

  2. I’m being that creepy right now and reading all of your posts. Creepy? Yes. But I can’t stop laughing at your work.

  3. Not to try to sound like a cliched “rebel” or nothing, but why the fuck should this guy feel the need to conform to what society deems “normal”? I mean aside from taking a bath and brushing your teeth. Do you know what goes on in his personal life? Maybe he’s depressed or has anxiety or assburgers something.

    We are all weird, and you know what? The weirdest ones are the ones who make it a point to show people how “normal” they are. Those people, in my experiences at least, are usually the most empty.

    Who knows, he might be a pretty cool guy if you got to know him. Stop being shallow.

    • Hmmm, let’s see perhaps if you don’t understand sarcasm and wear your feelings on your sleeve you shouldn’t read I posted this so everyone can see you’re a over sensitive drama queen, calm down girlfriend. It’s people like you that make opinions so fun.

    • Assburgers? Really? Are you 15?

      • I think he went to medical school? Maybe at 15 like Doogie Howser?

      • Assburgers is a very serious behavioral disorder, sir. Maybe you should educate yourself on the subject.

      • Maybe you should fucking spell it right? If it’s so important to you (since you clearly have it) you might want to check out the little red line that indicates 1. Your spelling a disorder you feel passionately about wrong and 2. fuck off

  4. And I read the disclaimer which says that this is all tounge-in-cheek. I get it. but you want to know what I think? No. Well i’m gonna tell you anyway. I think that all that is is sort of a way for you to preempt any negative criticism you might get, and it’s insincere. Why apologize for being who you are? Unless you feel guilty about it. It’s just normal, female passive aggressive bullshit. You are not unique.

    I guess some of your posts hit home because in a way i’m a lot like you, except i’m trying not to be. I work in construction in a major metropolitan area in the northeast. To say the atmosphere on job sites isn’t politically correct would be an understatement. If you’re not the sharpest knife in the drawer, chances are someone is going to let you know what a dumb fuck you are everyday. If you’re black, chances are at one point or another, someones gonna call you a nigger – Usually some shanty Irish white trash who wouldn’t have a job if his great-grandfather Seamus hadn’t helped build the Ben Franklin bridge, or some shit. Same goes for any other ethnicity; I lost count of how many dago, guinea, greaseball or wops have been thrown my way. If you’re weird, someones going to be screaming in your face what a fucking weirdo you are. I would say that a construction sight, at times, might be a step above a prison yard in terms of civility. And It breaks some people.

    What i’ve come to realize is that we’re all just people trying to make our way. Some people, for whatever reason, just can’t fit in. They truly don’t know, can’t figure out how, and I feel sorry for them more than anything.

  5. ^^I don’t know if that sounds shocking or not, but If you think hillbillies in Tennessee are racist, you’ve never been to a working class neighborhood in the northeast. I will admit, I myself am guilty of it at times, even though I try not to be. It’s probably because very different types of people live in such close proximity to each other – and, well, inner city blacks tend to destroy everything they come in contact with. I try to remind myself that they’re just trying to make the best out of a bad situation in their own misguided way.

    Sorry for lighting up your comment section, I am a part time insomniac.

    • Holy shit why not use another venue to vent your political, racial and other frustrations I got to bored to finish reading. Clearly though responding on a person’s comment section instead of personally is not passive aggressive either. I am pretty sure your insomnia is caused by having sex with your mother. I never claimed to be unique and like ya know once again, if you don’t like it don’t read it. It doesn’t hurt my feelings if someone that I don’t fucking know doesn’t agree with me. I’m sorry you don’t think I’m awesome as I do.

    • Don’t feed the trolls.

  6. Pingback: One, Two, One, Two This is Just a TEST! I Got Schooled. | Facehookin'

  7. Why would I write my own blog? No, i’d rather just judge you judging other people on your blog. Since you put yourself out there like that, I feel that gives me the right much more so than you, wouldn’t you say? I’m just giving you a little taste of your own medicine, that’s all. Don’t get so emotional and go off half-cocked.

    Remember: all feedback is good feedback, be it positive or negative. If you never got any negative feedback, you would never think. You would just post your senseless ramblings and OK the couple of fellow bloggers who drop in here and throw up some glib comments just to be polite.

    Now that I have your blog bookmarked, I can drop in here all the time and piss you off if you would be so kind as to let me.

    • Indeed I am emotional today enlightenment is so very difficult for one so lost as I am. Amazing Grace comes to mind, I am so grateful for our divine clandestine interactions. Hey are you single? You seem super interesting, and if you can stop having sex with your mother for a little while, I think we would really hit it off.

      • If only I lived in Tennessee, sweetheart:

        a.) I wouldn’t feel so bad about fucking my mother since it’s pretty much a cultural custom there.

        b.) Since fate, God, Allah, whatever you want to call it dropped me on the doorstep of your blog – and, no, it was not a coincedence, coincedences happen but i’ve come to believe they’re quite rare. Something is at work, okay? somewhere in the universe (or behind it), a great machine is ticking and turning its unimaginable gears – I feel as though our paths were destined to cross. Maybe it’s our destiny to be together? What do you think?

        c.) I would have the perfect place to hunt my bluetick coonhound.

      • Good so I assume you like to go to the movies?

  8. The last movie I felt compelled to go see in the theaters was Alice in Wonderland in imax. Most of what Hollywood pumps out nowadays is garbage. These huge special effects blockbusters that are like big sandwiches you would get at – what do they have in Tennessee? Subway, Jersey Mike’s subs, Quizno – one of those shitty chains that serves sandwiches just overstuffed with weirdly tasteless meat and cheese. You know, the type of meals that fill your stomach but do nothing for your soul.

    I have seen Deliverance though so I have a pretty good idea of what your little coal mining or railroad town is like. There’s two bars in the whole town that everybody congregates at on Friday or Saturday nights, and everyday when the 3 o’ clock whistle blows at the coal mine. They shoot darts and snort oxycontins or meth in the bathroom. There’s a mechanical bull in there that the local girls hop on when they’ve had one too many shots of jack, whipping their bad home-cut and dyed hair around trying to forget about the rent due on the trailer, and the fact that little Cody needs braces but medicaid won’t cover it because they’re not THAT bad.

    During deer season the men seem to be dressed in realtree mossy oak hunting gear 24 hours a day. They’re all up at 4 o’ clock in the morning on the weekends trying to get that 12 point albino buck that they saw last season.

    The highlight of the summertime is the county 4-h fair where you show off your blue ribbon begonias, maybe a purebred horse. You eat funnel cake and ride the tilt-a-whirl.

    I like those kinds of places, things are a lot simpler there. Oh, and I do have a bluetick coonhound. I’m pretty sure it’s the mascot for one of those colleges down there.

    • You forgot my favorite thing to do, play in a jug band. I also like to fish with a stick, chew on hay and whittle. Okay so Subway it is, I hope you save some of your gripping monologue for our date. Everything you say is sexy.

  9. hahhahahhaahahaha sheena, congrads on nothing more than simply your replies to comments bringing an additional way for me to crack up to the sarcasm

  10. heheh you’re at your best when you’re ripping some asshole to shreds.

    Bravo Sheena!

    • Oh man, I had to take care of the troll! I don’t like when people object to things they don’t have to look at or be bothered by 🙂 Sadly, it is a talent of mine.

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