I happened upon a You Tube channel called “The Food Reviewer” after typing the words fat and kid into the search bar. You may ask why I feel compelled to watch prepubescent boys with slow metabolism and or thyroid disorders? Well, because they are sexy, wait, no, well never mind the reason.
Let us discuss this channel and the fantastic videos available for your viewing pleasures. “The Food Reviewer” is a thirteen year old boy. He records himself tasting a variety of foods from mom’s pantry. He’ll then tell you whether or not “it’s a buy”.
While a valid critique describing taste, texture, flavor and so forth might compel me to buy an item, he more or less just eats on camera. He does however review new and exotic foods I, for sure, have never heard of. What are Cheez-its? What could they possibly taste like. Who knew elves made delicious cookies? Not me.
Again you may ask why I like to watch this kid eat rare foods such as BBQ potato chips and microwave pizza. It is not even an interest in buying food. It is to watch this pudgy heart throb have mouth orgasms with every bite of food he eats. He is gasping for air as he savors his ice cream sandwich teasing the last bite with his tongue, letting the cream drip on his pimpled chin. I dreamed of ice cream sandwiches for a week solid.
What troubles me is not the onset of childhood diabetes in the near future, but the fact that this kid has snubbed me. I message him and he does not respond. I ask about penalties for solicitation of a minor in his state, no answer. I ask him to review food naked, he won’t. I ask how does one achieve the dull luster of his beautiful greased hair, he won’t tell me. Lastly I ask him if his father was a falcon god of sorts that flew to earth to copulate with his earth mother, no freaking answer.
I have searched my hometown all over for Fruit Gushers the International Market even, and to no avail. I have no way of locating a Dunkin Donuts for these muffins he was eating. I feel like Ponce de Leon.
I want him to answer my questions and my prayers. I listen to “How do I Get You Alone” by Heart on repeat, yearning…crying. Damn this kid.