He’s is One Baaaaad Motha’

In my previous blog I mentioned how media has negatively affected the female population (right there was a summary, but you’ll rue the day if you don’t scroll down and read it too…until it is memorized).  Consider this a second installment where I address the weinered…or “men” as I suppose I must call them.

Alright, I shall begin with the fact that legendary men have been glamorized since the advent of language.  In all myths and folklore there are tales of men’s gallant bravery, brute strength, and ruthlessly earned victory. While some men definitely stand out as being spectacular and influential both positively and negatively, these stories are exaggerated.  These men aren’t really like this. These stories also modify their character to extremes.  No one wants to know if Rasputin went to the animal shelter and felt really sorry for the Corgi puppy, who looked so sad, and he was mad he came to this darn shelter, because now he HAS to adopt it…No. He’s a bad guy so he has to be really bad at all times. No way Sauron of Mordor constantly shakes his fist at rivers of molten lava and fire.

In conjunction, art and now media have been quite guilty of manipulating our perception.  I mean take the paining, “George Washington Crossing the Deleware” by Emanuel Gottlieb Leutze (mad props).  Clearly, it’s crazy fucking cold. I for one would not be head of the boat looking all noble like our first president (and dude is only wearing leggings) unaffected by temperature.  Also, no one else on the boat is bitching, they are quietly navigating through the ice aware they are in the midst of a prestigious man.  Even the flag holder’s not like, “My arms are tiiiiiiired, and your glowing heavenly shaft of light hurts my eyyyeeeessss eh huh huh whaah.”  I somehow doubt this is what is looked like exactly. You can’t help but think what an awesome leader Washington was when you look at this painting, right? Shut up.

Sorry, men it’s not possible to be this for real. I am sure this information could be disheartening, but take heed. I have compiled a list of things to do so you can be a pretend straight bad ass. Maybe this won’t make you famous,but at least you can feel better about yourself. This is “Tough Guy 101″ and I hope you are extreme enough for the course, this is an accelerated version:

Lesson 1: Environment: Right now your one bedroom cave is just not a Pimp Palace.  You need to redecorate. Start with a weight bench.  According to Lifetime, all tough guys workout, and use the hand squeezie-thing when they talk on the phone.  Make sure you hide the evidence that you’re reading Twilight and leave porn lying carelessly about.  Tough guys do not respect women and only see them as objects.

Lesson 2: Dress: There are so many avenues and so many, many choices. For this lesson I will conjure the image from Hollywood movies. You can never go wrong with long hair; its rebellious. Make sure you have to flip it out of your eyes without using your hands, everyone knows right now… you are not to be flexed with.  An earring compliments the hair and says ,”I don’t care about after school detention”.  A more seasonal wardrobe (being it’s cooler outside): Denim, lots of it. To wear it correctly the denim must be torn with flannel and some chains sprinkled about the ensemble. Now you have perfect synergy.  Gloves are okay if the fingers are missing.  Boots are the best choice for this outfit so you can conceal your knife and or pot.

Lesson 3: Act the Part, Live the Part: Simple tough guy etiquette.  Every girl in your immediate vicinity wants you, because tough guys are hot.  You do not care though, because it’s “Bros before hos”. It is in no way cool to maintain a monogamous relationship therefore you need a collection of “broads” that respond to slaps on the ass, snapping, and most important a fat busted lip. Having trouble getting even one girl? Call yourself a rebel, it’s more mysterious than just being a loser. Chew gum all the time and never use tableware.  Tough guys never eat pizza on a plate after they swipe it from some chump. It goes without saying beer or Mountain Dew are the only beverages you are allowed to drink, forget the mineral water. The more stories you have about your tough guy status, the more people believe you.  Feel free to immerse yourself ,totally uninvited, into the culture of fellows that actually live that way, they’ll respect your fake “real”ness.

Lesson 4: Motivation: Every morning I suggest you watch Point Break. You have the epitomized example for tough guy behavior.  This  is whether you decide you are good or evil.  Other suggestions are: Sons of Anarchy(if you want to pretend you’re a biker), CSI Miami (if you’re a ginger, sorry, only choice you have), and  300 (if you’re from an ancient civilization).  Look yourself in the mirror and practice clever one-liners, with and without extended fist.

I have now led you to water, it’s you’re turn to drink men.  If you can’t be a legend right now, why not live like one, at least, in your back yard? The invite is for older men as well. What’s more cool than a guy who isn’t in touch with himself ? An older guy who isn’t and, by now, should know better.

These guys look tough and will defend their turf


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