Okay, so recently, probably thirty minutes ago, I decided to do the Paleo Diet. What exactly is this you ask? Well, the web site was kind of boring so I sort of skimmed it. Now that I am probably an expert, I gathered that it is super healthy to eat like our paleolithic ancestors.
It appears that to do this diet you need to eat things that are not processed or cooked. In order to achieve optimal health you avoid dairy, gluten,refined sugars, and pretty much anything really delicious for the remainder of your life.
This leaves one to eat fruits in a variety, most vegetables, nuts, seeds, and meat. Basically, the abandon of post agricultural revolution foodstuffs.
So this cat has wandered about my apartment complex for the past few days. Apparently underneath my porch is a property of high demand among feral cats as this is the third fucking cat to take residence there. Continuously it meows passionately lamenting the loss of its true owners. Perhaps the cat was dropped off by someone hoping to be rid of the daunting litter box responsibilities. Maybe this cat mistakenly thought the pee smell on the carpet was where it should relieve itself. Possibly it wouldn’t stop inexplicably going bat shit crazy and tearing through the house like Nancy Grace searching for missing babies (you have seen cats do it and it and I personally get totally freaked out by this).
Inspired by the cavemen, I decided to make a spear out of a curtain rod and a sharp-edged stone I found outside. I felt in touch with my ancestors as I designated a new corner to poop in my “cave” and then sharpened the stone to a practical instrument. Grabbing some bones from a left over rotisserie chicken, I fashioned a more legit hairdo. I have a set of hot pink leopard print bra and panties so I donned them, making my way outside to roll in mud. I wanted to look authentic.
I tracked my prey to the dumpster (still freaking meowing of course). I quietly, nimbly advanced, drawing my spear. The anticipation was great as I steadied my arm, determining the distance from myself to cat. I was transformed to a time eons ago forgotten. I know at that moment I felt what the cavemen felt as they were ready to claim victory over a saber tooth tiger. My body became rigid, ready for the attack, my heart racing, pupils dilated. I was steady. I was full of ancient rage and knowledge.
Suddenly a neighbor (this old lady who has grey hair and wears grey all the time thus I call her Gandalf the Grey) just had to throw her trash bag in the dumpster scaring the cat away. The disappointment was immense. I let out a grunt and walked back to my apartment dejected, and hungry.
After I got into my apartment I pooped in the corner and drew some men running from buffalo on my wall. I started to feel better. This modern world is very difficult for me but I suppose survival is what humans have done for millions of years (or in my case like just under a hundred).
Perhaps my only hope is to be inadvertently frozen in the ground. Hopefully to be unearthed by two high school kids one of which is a thirty year old comedian. They can then become involved in hilarious mishaps due to my quirky caveman ways. I create some cool dances to do at the prom and play Rad Mobile. Everyone is a winner.