I am pushing 30 and as my ass has begun to whither so have my spirits. Everything I ever thought about life is absolutely wrong. I place the blame squarely on Lifetime Movie Network. I have been lied to and I am pissed.
Lie #1 Love:
When men love me it is not a tumultuous union, not even a dangerous one. Instead it’s more like I decide I am not okay with watching this hairy fart machine laugh at every fucking word Adam Sandler says or scratch his balls for no less than 3o minutes upon waking. I decide it may be time to move to the next man in hopes of real passion. Where is the excitement? This is where Lifetime was misleading. I have never been stalked, beaten, followed, threatened, or had an attempt at murder upon myself. I really thought that a man would live in my attic unbeknownst to me. He could pretend to be my landscaper all the while watching my family through the air ducts and fashioning a clay model family in our likeness. I leave clippings of my hair and my panties in the garbage. I assume stalkers like these type of mementos and possibly do some scrap-booking. We all know they keep newspaper clippings about the murders they committed. I have become so desperate I break into my own apartment and write death threats on my mirror with lipstick and deface my own pictures. Every evening I arrive home safely in my car, once again not forced off the road and into a strange van. I even get into stranger’s cars and no one wants to kidnap me, they want to call the police, on me! ME! I am tired of rolling around on the forest floor and limping home with a self inflicted bloody nose. According to Lifetime, every woman will be victim of a brutal attack and every man is an obsessive murderous stalker…I am thinking this is not so true.
Lie #2 I’m Interesting
Recently, it dawned on me why exactly men I date have a strong tendency to cheat on me. As I have always suspected, it really was my fault. I was not interesting enough to keep them faithful! I mistakenly used Lifetime as a reference and decided: I need a trendy new mental disorder. So Lifetime convinces me that men really like to be called (and often). In order to let a man know I am interested I should call him 10 to 150 times a day. I could hang up, whisper, or breathe heavily, all these things are acceptable. My favorite, is to threaten suicide, it really gets their attention and is a guaranteed way to secure another date. What Lifetime did not mention; this is illegal behavior especially since I am sporting a faux mental disability.
Lie #3 Jail is as Dramatic as it is Glamorous
This leads me to the last lie Lifetime movies have taught me. When I went to county lock up I didn’t look hot in my jumpsuit. Actually, there were pit stains and what appears to be opiate puke from the previous owner all over it. Furthermore, my cell mate was not an attractive, tough talking, street wise, girl who was down on her luck. She had not fought back, defending herself against her abusive alcoholic boyfriend only to be betrayed by the cruel justice system. Nope, my cell mate set a neighborhood dog on fire and the police found her after she was living in the woods for several weeks. She talked to me whether I was in the cell or not. She also claimed to become a dragon though I saw no outward changes in her appearance. After weeks of sitting around, going to rec, and reading; I realized there would not be a power hungry guard who would take advantage of my vulnerability. Furthermore, I wouldn’t even have a huge fight where an inmate would try to shank me in the chow hall. Thanks Lifetime that too was bullshit.
I have decided to change my media source of information. I am no doubt going to find a more honest channel than Lifetime (my vagina frowns at you).