Free Babies For Everyone (and Oprah isn’t giving them away this time)

This event occurred some time ago, I finally decided to write about it:

A couple of months ago I took my son to the park (a typical thing to do on a beautiful September day). I decided to bring some reading materials and a coffee to avoid boredom. Also, I do not like to look at the fat kids failing to carry their weight on the monkey bars.

I was reading along when I realized I’d been hearing the same baby cry for a fairly long time.  I noticed the crying baby was sitting in a carrier and appeared to be unattended or, I believe, abandoned.  Did a teenager leave this baby here? Why did you leave the baby at the park? Don’t they know Starbucks is a safe place?  I was just there; I could have brought it in with me and used free Wi-Fi. Better yet, I could take it to the fire station for her and check out those brave…lifesaving…sweaty firemen (that stay shirtless…I just know it). I mean kudos for not putting it in the dumpster at prom but leave it at the park?  People here already have kids they don’t want another one or  worse, they are child molesters (we know you’re not here to feed ducks) this is a bad idea either way!

Well, then I got to thinking about how I could profit from this baby I found. I have my own child I can raise properly according to traditional family values. Why don’t I train this one to be a fierce homicidal fighter of some sort?

I immediately thought I could capture this baby, feed it raw meat, and maybe shake its cage while screaming so it will become vicious. I’ll leave it outside to survive the elements and make it tough. I’ll dig a giant hole for it to fight in. I’d start it off with small wildlife such as a squirrel and then it can work its way up to a more fierce member of the animal kingdom like anaconda or…honey badger.

Then, I’ll use this feral crazy child to fight in whatever event will bring me money. I am assuming that there may be some travel to other countries that appreciate more simple forms of entertainment. Americans got really mad at Michael Vick.

What venue or creature it would fight does not matter to me. People would pay to watch such depravity (donkey show…nuff said). As long as I don’t teach it to speak it won’t ask for money. As long as I’m not stupid and give it birthday parties it won’t eat my face like Travis the chimp (google Travis the chimp).

All my ideas were brushed away when mom of the year showed up from wherever she was (I like to imagine purchasing street drugs) and picked up the baby. I no doubt believe later today she went to work at Hooters and left the baby in the car with the windows rolled up.

This all may seem shocking and cruel but I feel like my exploitation of this baby was far less cruel than the Freudian like attack on the child’s super ego after being left to cry for so long. We all know this baby will grow up, have issues, and be a huge pussy about life. I would have made this baby into a modern Spartan.

Yeah ya betta pick up yo toys and go home fool, ya mama's callin' you!


14 responses to “Free Babies For Everyone (and Oprah isn’t giving them away this time)

  1. Funniest thing I’ve read yet today, and got some honest to goodness laugh out louds from me, while smiling like a Cheshire cat. 🙂

    Thanks for following my blog “Word Play – A Place For Pleasurable Procrastination”. I’ll follow you anywhere, as long as you keep me laughing! 🙂

  2. The movie “Unleashed” enough said. PS how are you not a triad overlord at this point when that was the first thing you thought of with an abandoned baby? 🙂

  3. Thank you for cheering me up! What a witty sense of humor!

  4. What a great idea! Kind of like Boys Club of America now we just have to find you a good spokes person. Someone meaner than Denzel…I’ll work on that

  5. Maybe the kid would grow up to become a midget. It could be a champion child fighter then a champion midget fighter. I think that sport is big in Cambodia I’ve heard. Then a bunch of them fought a tiger and were killed. I think it might be a lie that I saw on a TV show. I’m going to research it now.

    • Unfortunately I am not much over 5 foot and my son is quickly outgrowing me…ugh, there goes that. I do think though he’s old enough to pretend to get hit by cars OH YEAH insurance fraud!

  6. Hahahah! That last caption really sold it for me! Great writing!

  7. This sounds like my park. One woman came with a bunch of kids and she kept asking them their names. All kinds of weird and creepy.

  8. You’ve got pretty quick and chipolet sense of humor — I like! Crying babies are the worst. Children should be called a blessing only if they come ages 4 and up (prime cuteness).

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