Virgin Diaries: Scarier Than Spiders, Evil Villains, and the Dark.

TLC has not let me down as of yet.  With personal favorite shows such as Hoarders, Intervention, and My Strange Addiction, this station is probably the one I watch most.  I, along with so many Americans, recently watched The Virgin Diaries.  I myself, (along with so many Americans) cannot stop talking about it.

Where might I begin?  Firstly, the couple that decided to wait until their wedding day for even their first kiss.  Until they married the couple would only hold hands, swing, and make unsettling faces at one another.  My gut reaction was seriously? How fucking weird. I then thought, well, that’s kind of sweet because they probably have a solid relationship and really love each other. However, things just got progressively more unnerving.

I first noticed, wow, this nerdy guy has a pretty girlfriend. Then I notice she makes  the above ^ face the whole fucking time she talks. I realize she’s not quite normal.  They get through explaining the depths how they are walking the thin line between functional and creepy. The show progresses to the wedding day and the epic kiss.  I personally felt this kiss was less natural than bestiality.  Like, literally I would rather make a viral video with two dogs (or another girl and a cup full of poop) than kiss someone the way these two kissed. In case you have been out of our solar system recently and missed it, here’s what it looked like:

I had a sudden moment of realization watching and cringing;  A few months ago I inexplicably threw up.  No, I was not pregnant THIS time, I was sick.  Making a mental inventory of prior foods eaten such as: salad, a banana, and some paper towels (food and pica items). I could not figure out what might have made me so suddenly and violently sick.  This show airs and I truly believe that the exact moment these two kissed, I regurgitated all stomach contents.  I didn’t know they were kissing because the show was being filmed and edited miles away from me.  I guarantee such kissing violates human sensibilities and intuitive people the world over spontaneously vomited for no apparent reason as well.

During the reception, this skinny wiener of a man sings to his wife.  I am sad to report that several searches rendered no success in finding that footage but it looked a lot like this….

The show also exposes the lives of three lesbians er, uh, I mean virgins who are saving themselves for marriage.  Instead of sex they give each other back massages.  Two of the women were actually virgins…while the other was a “born again” virgin.  It was clear that there was a division between pseudo (slut) virgin and real virgins.

Tamara (the slut) said basically that even though she had plenty of sex with 7 boyfriends, it’s null and void because, well, she said so.  Okay so look Tamara, do you think that at least one Jew didn’t try to say “Hey, Nazis, it’s cool, no need for Auschwitz, I am so not Jewish anymore…I stopped that like six years ago and have been clean since.”  It doesn’t work that way and your (lesbian) virgin roommates aren’t falling for your bullshit either. Lisa totally says “…I don’t think it works quite that way.” FACE! Tamara you are not a virgin and you’re only in the “Super V  Happy Song and Dance Club” because you sing in a deep tenor that blends delightfully with the monotone virgin power duet.

Also, the virgins (lesbians) probably need rent money and can’t find another 30-year-old virgin to live with them.  It’s kind of similar to the way loser kids get picked for teams.  You have the kid with a club foot and you have the kid that still wets his pants everyday…tough decision, but the kid with the club foot (though he can’t run) hobbles faster than MC Pee Pants over there who is at this moment playing with Polly Pocket dolls.  My guess is Tamara is more useful for her tambourine/plastic microphone skills. The virgins (really, really closet lesbians)  freaking hate her, clearly.

I also saw some fat guy….

Who reminded me of this guy…

^Pretty sweet movie by the way, but this dude could have been a stunt double even better he is probably the inspiration for this movie.  I think more so the latter since this movie is about a total creeper.  I was less surprised by this one, when he said he was a virgin, I was kind of like, well, yeah of course you are (was that really his best outfit? NICE grease stains from your Sonic chili cheese fries dude) .  He ate brownies and various baked sweets instead of dating women…well you know, no big surprise there either. I felt that TLC just found the guy and decided to throw him into the mix as well.  He didn’t bring the shock value or noteworthy weirdness to the table like the other two specimen.

I am not sure if I learned anything.  I will say I laughed and wretched at the same time. This is  clearly another banger from TLC.


13 responses to “Virgin Diaries: Scarier Than Spiders, Evil Villains, and the Dark.

  1. I like you… seriously you use a nazi reference AND kip from napoleon dynamite? how are you not famous and writing right now for a comedy blog?

  2. All the while the reality television of the world across the board, pick a network. Have continuously rendered me a speechless moron. I am not sure where to begin so I will start from the very beginning. Well Toddlers and Tiaras that show is a must watch for every mother who’s parents neglected to let them wear make-up when they were little princesses and told them that if they don’t smile they will not get what they want. Then there is 16 and Pregnant if Toddlers and Tiaras does not cure what ales you. The hitchhikers guide to parenting! You can become the mother you always dreamed by just doing exactly what you see on that show. It is a must watch tear jerker at times. If those two shows do not do the trick then you could go to best buy and purchase the box set of Laguna Beach for a different approach. This is where you say to yourself I want my daughter to be exactly like her, her and her. If this still does not suffice your ever growing spirit to become mother of the year then tune in to Jersey Shore its like a glass ball that shows you the future. Accuracy kills! All the while daughter or son is sitting eating popcorn along side eagerly awaiting the next episode of brain wash educational wisdom these shows bring every week at 8 est! I am afraid I have not even scratched the surface. So yes reality rocks.

  3. That kiss was truly disturbing. I was reminded of the scene from “Species” where Natasha Henstridge puts her tongue through the back of some dude’s skull. Now that I think of it, she was a virgin as well. So maybe that explains it.

  4. OMG you have to be the only other person to actually see Otis lol It caught my eye because I thought it was gonna be about Otis O’Toole the serial killer. It was so funny though.You must get your weird sense of humor from me. 🙂

  5. Coming this Fall to AMC: So You Think You Deserve to Dance Like a Real Desperate Housewife?

  6. yep lesbians

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