Communication is important and also necessary on a daily basis. However, there are certain things people do that render me absolutely incapable of properly conversing with them. The topic is lost in the delivery because I can only focus how annoying the person is regardless of what they are actually saying.
I will begin with excessive vocalized pauses. Alright, when Jesus invented punctuation, he did this so the receiver of information could recognize a break. By the word break I mean the end of a collection of information, or less commonly known as a sentence. Punctuation is a mark called a period, question mark, or exclamation point. Following a punctuation mark is a pause. The pause is silent. Is there a reason you end every sentence with “ugh” or “um”? Yes, because you are well spoken.
Even better is inappropriate laughter following a sentence. I expect perhaps a leprechaun or other woodland creature to laugh after every sentence but not always so much a human. While laughter would be fine after a joke, it’s so much better to laugh at things that are not apparently funny. It in no imaginable way makes you a weirdo, like, film ladies on the toilet kind of weirdo.
Extreme volume is another ideal habit . You are talking so loud, I can easily hear you. Furthermore, passing civilians can hear you as well as the very elderly Larry King (the praying mantis exoskeleton with a talk show). Please make sure that the more sexually explicit or racially insensitive your comments are, the louder you talk. Why not draw more attention to the fact you are making a raunchy joke by adding over the top hand gestures. Fellating the air is by no means embarrassing and I am so fortunate to be associated with you.
Also not embarrassing, is outrageous laughter. The punch line is actually so sensational, so funny, that your brain actually misfires between a synapse and you are thrown into a violent grand mal seizure of sorts. There is total loss of gross motor function as you seek support for your failing limbs, displacing full body weight on friends and inanimate objects. That is a funny fucking joke! The only thing that could be more super fantastic is you losing control of bodily functions as well. I am not sure if you want more attention than the person who made the joke just received. I am in no way wishing to God for ACME Invisibility Paint to exist and then appear immediately.
Lastly, verbalizing your agreement with what I say way too much. You concur, I suppose I need you to confirm this with “yeah” no less than 600 times. It is not at all perceived as disingenuous though you might not be paying attention or you desperately want me to know you agree with me even if you don’t. Listen quietly, do not even nod your head too much. I know that everything I say is awesome.
This is a small fraction of the offenses people make during conversation that really bother me. The ability for all offenders to cease and desist said activity will be necessary, immediately.