Shut Your Pie Hole

Communication is important and also necessary on a daily basis. However, there are certain things people do that render me absolutely incapable of properly conversing with them. The topic is lost in the delivery because I can only focus how annoying the person is regardless of what they are actually saying.

I will begin with excessive vocalized pauses. Alright, when Jesus invented punctuation, he did this so the receiver of information could recognize a break. By the word break I mean the end of a collection of information, or less commonly known as a sentence. Punctuation is a mark called a period, question mark, or exclamation point. Following a punctuation mark is a pause. The pause is silent.  Is there a reason you end every sentence with “ugh” or “um”? Yes, because you are well spoken.

Even better is inappropriate laughter following a sentence. I expect perhaps a leprechaun or other woodland creature to laugh after every sentence but not always so much a  human. While laughter would be fine after a joke, it’s so much better to laugh at things that are not apparently funny. It in no imaginable way makes you a weirdo, like, film ladies on the toilet kind of weirdo.

Extreme volume is another ideal habit . You are talking so loud, I can easily hear you. Furthermore, passing civilians can hear you as well as the very elderly Larry King (the praying mantis exoskeleton with a talk show). Please make sure that the more sexually explicit or racially insensitive your comments are, the louder you talk. Why not draw more attention to the fact you are making a raunchy joke by adding over the top hand gestures. Fellating the air is by no means embarrassing and I am so fortunate to be associated with you.

Also not embarrassing, is outrageous laughter. The punch line is actually so sensational, so funny, that your brain actually misfires between a synapse and you are thrown into a violent grand mal seizure of sorts. There is total loss of gross motor function as you seek support for your failing limbs, displacing full body weight on friends and inanimate objects. That is a funny fucking  joke! The only thing that could be more super fantastic is you losing control of bodily functions as well. I am not sure if you want more attention than the person who made the joke just received. I am in no way wishing to God for ACME Invisibility Paint to exist and then appear immediately.

Lastly, verbalizing your agreement with what I say way too much. You concur, I suppose I need you to confirm this with “yeah” no less than 600 times. It is not at all perceived as disingenuous though you might not be paying attention or you desperately want me to know you agree with me even if you don’t. Listen quietly, do not even nod your head too much. I know that everything I say is awesome.

This is a small fraction of the offenses people make during conversation that really bother me. The ability for all offenders to cease and desist said activity will be necessary, immediately.

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12 responses to “Shut Your Pie Hole

  1. Haha! You might hate me 😦 lol anyway, I’m the type of person where I’m polite when you’re telling a story, but at the same time I’m trying to remember what anecdote I was going to say AND trying to stay interested in yours so you’ll listen to mine… I’m a beginner at conversation I have yet to reach amateur.

    • Ha! Anyone who knows me knows that I have am not listening when I get a stupid grin on my face…they know to stop and throw in a smart ass joke. Everyday I am thankful and perplexed as to why I have friends

  2. I’ve seen quite a few summers, so to speak, but only recently noticed the “verbalizing agreement way too much” type. These are people who constantly interrupt you with “Exactly!” so that you can’t say the three or four whole sentences needed to make your point. Am I being politely dismissed with “agreement”, assuming I have no more to say, because of my age?

  3. Haha, I know some people who just love to hear their own voice. So much so, that they think they are hilarious. They’ll tell a really lame joke and start laughing at every little thing they said. They’ll be so immersed in their own conversation that they won’t even have realized that I’ve already left 5 minutes ago…

  4. Isn’t it crazy how much overkill is necessary in human communication, how ridiculous it is. How fragile it is!! It took three hours for me and Sheena to build up what we had between us, roughly one..err, three-thousandth of our time spent on earth, or something… and about five minutes for it to shut down completely, for the channels to close, filled with god knows how much shit. Everything has to be handled with kid gloves now or she’ll think i’m some kind of fucking psycho. We had a bond, me and her. I felt it and my heart cracked with gratitude, and now it just seems like something has been broken beyond repair between us.

  5. “I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant” — Bill Clinton, testifying during the Monica Lewinski scandal

    • Ha ha ha! You know you have charisma when you get 75 million a year to speak after flat out lying to a nation…that dude has manipulation down to a science.

  6. Reading this i see part of myself described lol. But it also makes me wonder if its just you don’t like when people do this or are these little things something you find yourself doing? good stuff.

    Sean Mac

    • These are pretty personal to me I think. I am sure some of these things annoy everyone. I have bad habits too, for sure the long distance stare and appearing to not pay attention has always been mine, it annoys ppl to no end about me. I should write about it. My last job was full of know it alls and so the scenario of doing something better was everyday for 6 years. I got sooooo tired of it. Thanks for reading.

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