Christmas…Not so Bad After All

Admittedly I am always a real Grinch at Christmas time. I tire from decades of the same carols. Gingerbread tastes like baked turds. I am terrified that at the right moment a fellow shopper’s loose hold on sanity will break and I will be laid to waste because I wanted a coffee mug gift set for mom. I mean, I can’t die yet, I want to get old, pretend to be senile, and torture my family.

This season has been neither bad nor good. I must say I am feeling more of that “Christmas spirit” than before.  I actually managed to think of one thing I like about Christmas more than simply glittery ornaments (they are SO pretty!!!).

Santa Claus, is what makes Christmas a super deluxe, freaking break your face, bad ass, holiday.  Why? Santa is an awesome behavioral modification method that sadly can only be used for a limited amount of time.

Right now my son is buying this Santa stuff.  Some kid who talks through his nose and scratches his butt all the time has not come along to break the dreadful news to him as of yet. Therefore the omnipotent fat ass can see him at all times and knows when he is doing wrong.  Santa is sitting around, emotionally abusing elves right now, waiting for my son to fuck up so he can’t have the Lego Deathstar.

I happen to have big red on speed dial.  I have since July.  When there is a quandary that  cannot be settled with simple logic, bribery, pleading, my own crying….Santa is now up to date, he has Verizon, we got mobile to mobile minutes. I mean what kid is going to flex on that?

I distinctly remember being told the same thing as a kid, and I also remember changing my attitude, immediately. That is, until I went to my friend’s house to play The Simpsons video game on Nintendo…and my world was blown apart to fragments of lies and sugar plums dancing, only now to taunt me. I felt somewhat empowered afterwards daring to defy mother without the burden of Santa’s disapproval. I am pretty sure mom started using my Full House viewing privileges as leverage after that…

Either way, Santa’s presence and the imminent threat of his ability to render a bad child without a gift is amazing. Now, for those of you who feel I am wrong…I don’t claim to have written a parenting book.  I don’t let my kid anywhere near my neighbor’s meth lab (that is a joke). It could be worse, I don’t tell him about the Krampus , though it’s not altogether a bad idea…

None the less, for the rest of you that enjoy the celebration, and the fun family time; Happiest of Holidays, eat, drink, make inappropriate advances on your cousin!!!

Shit just got real for this curly headed wiener kid


29 responses to “Christmas…Not so Bad After All

  1. Yeah, I used to be a Scrooge. My parents told us they were splitting up on my 9th Christmas. Can you blame me? Lol.

    You should introduce me to your son. I’ll break his heart about Santy Claus like mine was broken by my older cousin when I was 3 years old. I suppose it’s a good thing I never believed (or was never really old enough to believe) in Santa anyway. I mean, the whole story is ridiculous. Then I believe in God and Jesus, so I guess it’s not all THAT ridiculous in context.

    Lego Deathstar? I NEVER got that as a kid. Maybe I was bad. Or maybe I just believed more in Star Wars than I did Santa as a kid. Long live the Jedi Order 😉

    Are you wrong? Yes. As a parent myself, can I blame you? Definitely not. Then again, I never told my son Santa ever existed. I guess that was my downfall.

    Thanks for the read. I really enjoyed it. 😉


  2. Santa is the powerful weapon. I don’t know what i’m going to do when his threat stops working on my daughter (Krampus sounds like an idea though. thanks!)

  3. This is brilliantly funny. Merry Christmas.

  4. Yeah those germans can be quite harsh… I will admit, treasure those moments when santa claus is still a behavior modification tool. And if your son ever approaches you about the truth take the 5th or deny until kingdom come. Make him one of those 15 yr olds that still believes.

  5. Love this post. I can totally relate :).

  6. Thanks for dropping by at my blog. I have been reading your posts and I had sangria coming out of my nose from laughing so much!

  7. If I ever have kids, I’m filing this away for reference: “I happen to have big red on speed dial. ” Brilliant. Even more reason for me to get into Christmas in July. Maybe even a naughty/nice list on the fridge. They’d get check marks depending on what they did that day. The kids would be angels come November/December! 😉

    • The possibilities are endless, I am seeing a progress report of sorts. “Okay so this week you left the toothpaste cap off, that’s going to be a mark, you have 26 weeks to bring this up”.

  8. Just tell your son that the Easter Bunny keeps a vigilant eye out for naughty children between January and April, and reports back to the fat guy in red on a daily basis.

  9. Man, I really wish I’d known about the Krampus many years sooner! That would’ve kept my little shi… er, I mean… sunshines seriously in line! Santa is just a fat old wuss compared to THAT Bad Ass! Now that’s some major attitude adjustment! And maybe years of therapy too, but that usually doesn’t become an issue until they’re grown and out on their own. Heh heh heh… but there’s still the grand kids to mess with… (kidding!) 🙂

    Always fun to come here and enjoy reading your funny stuff! 🙂

    • I am resisting the urge to speak of Krampus. I mean I heard the word and had to investigate. I was hooked what an awesome character! GAWD those Europeans love to mess with kids (Grimm’s fairytales) they are the best parents! With the grandkids it’s win/win because you can tell the story and not deal with residual nightmares and bedwetting from terror. Anypoop, thanks for reading and thanks for feedback! I enjoy your blog as well, it makes me feel smarter for reading it 🙂

  10. I just love this post! I hear your pain and share it. My kids are at the age now where it is a day to day proposition as to when the big fat red man’s myth will be shattered… It has lasted almost 11 years so can’t complain really. Now onto Easter Bunnies…

  11. Very funny post… but we are too close for comfort to having to find a plan B; what to threaten the kids with once they are on to the santa gig???? Any suggestions most appreciated…..

    • I think the only way to logically follow this is to threaten to buy only girl toys for christmas. I was telling him once I was buying Barbie dreamhouse and kept singing “Barbie Girl!” he straightened up his attitude pretty quick and started laughing. That’s my suggestion gender inappropriate gifts

  12. Where do you find these scary yet very-possible-scenario images! The curly haired kid is definitely not going to the petting zoo after this.

  13. When I was a mere sprout, Dad and Mom had Grandma Gooch on speed dial and would threaten to drop us off at her house for the weekend or however long it would take for us to change our evil ways. Usually it would only take one fake phone call for us to straighten out.

    There was a particularly vile mansion at the edge of town that resembled Norman Bate’s mothers house but also a junkyard, and it was also the mythical abode on Grandma Gooch and all the rotten stinky deeds that awaited us miscreants. Dad would point it out whenever we passed it, and would of course cup his ear to listen for the screams of those bad little kids inside.

    Only once did Dad put a member of the family into the car and started it. He never left the driveway.

    Grandma Gooch has plenty psychic powers.

    • Oh no! My grandma was so annoying, and my mom was annoyed enough by her she didn’t make idle threats, but getting me to go over there was probably not much fun for her. Your parents are smart, grandmas house is another valuable weapon in the arsenal.

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