Commercials are ridiculous, example: depression commercials show sad, withdrawn people who don’t like children’s birthday parties. They take the medication (with 50 possible adverse reactions) and they smile more and quit staring out of windows so much, perhaps they laugh with a friend over coffee. I also noticed every restaurant really is the most conceivable fun you could ever have in your entire life as evidenced by the hysterical laughter of each customer. I had no idea the minute I stepped in to Chilli’s my mood would be elevated from content to “It’s like my brain is on the world’s most extreme roller coaster in Awesometown, USA.
With that being said, why do feminine hygiene products follow a similar formula? From each commercial I have gathered several things about feminine odor…
First, if your nether region stinks you wear a hoodie. Make sure the hood covers most of your face ( if your hair doesn’t) and pull the sleeves over your hands. Avoid eye contact and appear very insecure by folding your arms protectively over yourself. By doing this, one must only assume that women on their way to the gym are not in athletic wear, their not “fresh”. If you’re a method actor, channel Quasimodo right now, pretend you’re a freak and humans are terrified of you.
Secondly when your lady parts smell like a spring meadow or rain forest you must DANCE! Wear a flowing skirt let it sway hither and yar. Now I am assuming that all kindergarten teachers, Pentecostal women, and surprisingly…gypsies have a well-regulated, healthy smell on a regular basis. How must one do the fresh vagina dance? It is a free and fluid movement, imagine you are a little tree in the wind…that’s it! If you look whimsical and fucking stupid you are doing it right
Lastly, when you disguise what could be a heinous case of bacterial vaginosis with harsh fragrances instead of antibiotics, you must be happy about it. Tilt you head in various positions and angles while you smile thoughtfully, whisper the product name with a woman’s wisdom.
Now then there was a brief “Hail to the V” campaign by Summer’s eve that had a different vibe. Those commercials were a vast improvement from the archaic commercials we are all used to seeing.
I, however, would be much more convinced by a completely different approach in advertising. I would like to see a woman dry heave at some unknown stench. I imagine she would search about the house to discover the epicenter the this foul odor. She lifts up the baby to smell the diaper, she sniffs the trash can, and then she is struck with realization. She attempts to mask the smell with air freshener, potpourri…a blowtorch. She reaches for said product and….success! She takes the clothes pin off her nose with a smile of satisfaction on her face. I want her to say “Whoooo-weee I’m glad that’s gone!”
That would be so much more convincing to me. Of course I am merely addressing the monotony of one type of product. I also feel that seasonal scents would be nice such as: warm sugar cookies, pumpkin spice, fresh linen, or even honeydew melon.