Smell Good Stuff For Your Muff

Commercials are ridiculous, example: depression commercials show sad, withdrawn people who don’t like children’s birthday parties.  They take the medication (with 50 possible adverse reactions) and they smile more and quit staring out of windows so much, perhaps they laugh with a friend over coffee. I also noticed every restaurant really is the most conceivable fun you could ever have in your entire life as evidenced by the hysterical laughter of each customer.  I had no idea the minute I stepped in to Chilli’s my mood would be elevated from content to “It’s like my brain is on the world’s most extreme roller coaster in Awesometown, USA.

With that being said, why do feminine hygiene products follow a similar formula? From each commercial I have gathered several things about feminine odor…

"Rhymin' and Stealin'"

First, if your nether region stinks you wear a hoodie. Make sure the hood covers most of your face ( if your hair doesn’t) and pull the sleeves over your hands. Avoid eye contact and appear very insecure by folding your arms protectively over yourself. By doing this, one must only assume that women on their way to the gym are not in athletic wear, their not “fresh”. If you’re a method actor, channel Quasimodo right now, pretend you’re a freak and humans are terrified of you.

Secondly when your lady parts smell like a spring meadow or rain forest you must DANCE! Wear a flowing skirt let it sway hither and yar. Now I am assuming that all kindergarten teachers, Pentecostal women, and surprisingly…gypsies have a well-regulated, healthy smell on a regular basis. How must one do the fresh vagina dance? It is a free and fluid movement, imagine you are a little tree in the wind…that’s it! If you look whimsical and fucking stupid you are doing it right

Lastly, when you disguise what could be a heinous case of bacterial vaginosis with harsh fragrances instead of antibiotics, you must be happy about it.  Tilt you head in various positions and angles while you smile thoughtfully, whisper the product name with a woman’s wisdom.

Now then there was a brief “Hail to the V” campaign by Summer’s eve that had a different vibe. Those commercials were a vast improvement from the archaic commercials we are all used to seeing.

I, however, would be much more convinced by a completely different approach in advertising.  I would like to see a woman dry heave at some unknown stench.  I imagine she would search about the house to discover the epicenter the this foul odor. She lifts up the baby to smell the diaper, she sniffs the trash can, and then she is struck with realization.  She attempts to mask the smell with air freshener, potpourri…a blowtorch.  She reaches for said product and….success! She takes the clothes pin off her nose with a smile of satisfaction on her face.  I want her to say “Whoooo-weee I’m glad that’s gone!”

image: cartoonlist.com

That would be so much more convincing to me. Of course I am merely addressing the monotony of one type of product. I also feel that seasonal scents would be nice such as: warm sugar cookies, pumpkin spice, fresh linen, or even honeydew melon.

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77 responses to “Smell Good Stuff For Your Muff

  1. Inspired sarcasm and freakin’ hysterical!!! LOL!

  2. You’re out of control in the best way.

  3. lol Very entertaining and I totally agree. Commercials baffle me half the time i have no idea what hey are even selling.

  4. I await your commercials (hilarious)

  5. Hilarious, especially because I know folks who do marketing for Summer’s Eve. I will send them your suggestions 😉

  6. You know? I was just asking myself, when was the last time I read a blog post about stinky muffs, and maybe I should write about those silly commercials too while I’m at it. YOU BEAT ME TO IT.

    • I wrote this one, and then the “Hail to the V” came on, I was pissed but then, I thought no no this can be salvaged, I know there is something you can address, or embellish no doubt!

  7. I have tears. Great post!

  8. Pure Gold Sheena! So many comments, but will leave them to you!! lol

  9. I got scared at “…heinous case of bacterial vaginosis…”.

    What about a “fresh coffee” scent? That’s gotta be a winner.

  10. The Fresh Vagina Dance, sounds eerily familiar to the Fresh Penis Dance, except less whimsical and more thrusting.

    • NO freaking way this was on the radio…and I no shit stopped laughed hysterically b/c I thought it was for serious…okay now it’s awesomely bad and funny b/c it’s supposed to be!!!!!!

  11. I love how people are complete morons in commercials unless they are using The Product. Especially in those “as seen on TV” type products. And you know what you never see in a douche? Vinegar and oil. Also, mouthwash.

  12. Reblogged this on klextin and commented:
    you just can not make this stuff up, the truth is far funnier than any sitcom!

  13. Well LOOK at you now! GO Sheena!!! You really hit this one out of the park!

    And to think that I’ll be able to say that I knew you when… 🙂

    • Perhaps you can, fingers crossed! You’re silly! No one recognizes greatness until it’s far later…ask Van Gogh

      • Van Gogh is one of my favorite artists. (seriously) But hey, no cutting off one of your ears, okay?

      • I won’t make promises I don’t intend to keep should someone capture my affections I may send them my ear, He’s great, ground breaking for his time, and again great!

      • Well then I’m sure glad that that you didn’t live in ancient Rome when that guy Mark Antony said “Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!” You might have thought that he was really hot (Cleopatra did) and sent him both your ears! Please keep your ears, because trust me when I tell you that you look much better with them than without them.

      • Yeah Cleopatra totally dug Antony, I may have gone to such measures. What if I stick Mr Potato head ears into my gaping ear holes? That would be pretty sweet.

  14. if a girls nether regions shun people away due to the smell then shower. shower like you’ve never showered before. bathe. fill that tub up with water and do whatever you have to do to clean your outside and inside out. maybe get some peppermint smelling soap for greater appeal this way oral will be like a breath mint (I’m on to something new here…). did i say oral? sorry, i meant Oral. it tastes better when it’s capitalized

  15. Australian tampon adds follow a similar formula.

    Feeling down, don’t want to go out, bung in a tampon and the next thing you know you will feel like frolicking on the beach with your friends.

    Just watch out for sharks attracted by the smell of menstrual blood.

    • That’s a terrifying thought I am happy to be landlocked. Sharks are not to be flexed on! So it
      is world wise feminine products advertising sucks? Wow!

  16. This is really funny and you certainly made a good point.. we are not stereo typical women 😛

  17. OMG she said cooter!, bacon scented cooter, PRICELESS!

  18. Officer Friendly here.
    No, none of the neighbors have mentioned a smell, but we got a report of a they’re-their violation toward the end of the third paragraph.

  19. Funny way to evaluate such commericals. I think the reason a woman wears such a horrible hoddie when she is on her cycle is so that her husband stays far away. It is like the mighty white flag, but for women it consist of the ugly oversized hoodie. LOL

  20. You nearly make me want to be a woman so I can rant about this myself. I have always wondered why they act like they’re about to be shunned Amish-style in those commercials… unless they’re Amish of course.

  21. Pingback: The ROTFLMAO Award « Motley News

  22. unclean! unclean! 🙂 but remember – no mff too tuff. continue…

  23. muff…muff…i meant. sheesh…the word made my finger nervous. continue…

  24. Love love love! I am all smittenykitten about you right now.

  25. Sheena how about this as a product idea, for the ladies who have nether region peircings you could come up with hanging type cooter freshner like we use in cars , the ones that hang off the rear view mirror….

    I got to believe it would sell!

  26. What would we call them? I got to many names I cant type here lol

  27. You are a truly funny and talented writer.

  28. forgive me, but i got some vaginosis in my eye.

    funny stuff, in a mountain wildflower haze

  29. Just thought of this post when I ran across this:

  30. Pingback: The Versatile Blogger Award « Motley News

  31. Just wanted to let you know that I have chosen you as a recipient of The Versatile Blogger Award. Congratulations! You deserve it!!! http://motleynews.net/2012/02/05/the-versatile-blogger-award/

  32. Sheena: THIS WAS HILARIOUS!!!
    THANK YOU!

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