Try to Set the Night on FIRE! (With Leather Pants)


Fire is probably the coolest element. It’s the element that skateboards, skips Algebra class and wears a wallet chain. I mean you have earth, wind, water, air…or at least that’s what Captain Planet led me to believe.  Of all those, fire is no doubt the bad ass.

Can you imagine what the first guy who discovered fire lived like? Steve Jobs and Bill Gates come to mind . Fire was truly life altering.  I hope he walked around, threatening to summon fire upon people.  Surely, he capitalized on his creation. I mean, I  would totally carry two sticks around and when I didn’t get my way I would just start rubbing them together like, “I will start a fire right here on the elder’s head if someone doesn’t do the Flinstone Flop right now! Entertain me!” Furthermore I would extort everybody, leaving me with the most valuables: sweet ass pimped out cave, high end pottery, and really cool rocks and bones.

As we all know fire is dangerous.  This reminds me of two separate tales where I am fairly surprised my dad has a house to live in. These are examples where fire was attempted to be harnessed and failure followed…


he took a nap. I was about 12 and obviously old enough for my dad to trust me not to burn the house down while he slept. Was he ever wrong! My brother and I were attempting to burn corners of paper to make it look old, I think we were making some kind of fancy pants treasure map. None the less we thought fire would enhance it’s authenticity. Well corner 1,2,and 3 not a problem. Corner 4 was ablaze, fell onto the other paper we were using and the coffee table was a hobo gathering place. We freaked, I am pretty sure we ran in panicked circles. I grabbed a nearby glass of juice and extinguished the flame. Dad never woke, he never knew what happened. We abandoned our dangerous craft project and watched Rocko’s Modern Life instead.

Fire in Human Form

The other story is just my brother, but he tempted to once again challenge fire, and he lost. I was in the bathroom of my dad’s house fixing my hair. I suppose I was 13 this time. I am sure I was putting tacky barrettes in my hair that mimicked whatever I saw in Seventeen magazine. I hear my brother screaming and then he ran into the house, filled a glass of water and ran back out. The whole time he was making this crazy baby bird noise. Somewhere between squealing and sobbing. On the third trip to the faucet my dad said “Now what in the hell’r you doin’?” as he stood from his Lazyboy. No doubt he thought, ‘this better be good, I’m watching NASCAR’. I, being curious,, followed my dad outside to find a backyard on fire. My brother was throwing cups of water on one of the patches of fire. “Shit hell!” my father exclaimed as he grabbed the garden hose. He put out the fire, my brother crying hysterically. Okay, let me say he was only 7 yrs old, so I think the crying is understandable. Me, I laughed, until the laughter hurt my body and I had to stop. It was awesome.

Well, there you have it, fire is a dangerous and helpful element. Use it wisely. By the way doesn’t my human form of fire pictured above look like a fat Russel Brand? I think so too.


50 responses to “Try to Set the Night on FIRE! (With Leather Pants)

  1. New favorite phrase, “Shit Hell.” Thanks for that gem.

  2. Fun post. Brings to mind Tom Hanks making fire for the first time in Castaway. 🙂

  3. For all its flurish and rage fire just can’t stand up to the element of water. It can’t incinerate without air. Toss a shovel load of earth on fire and it is smothered. Fire is the true bully of the elements. It’s loud and scary and demand attention, until one of the other elements stand up to it and then fire show how much a wimp it really is.

  4. Behold! The future of Russell Brand! LOL

    OK, so you wrote about fire, but your sense of humor is like a broken water main of laughter gushing forth from a very large reservoir of comic talent! Loved it!

  5. My dad used to say Shit fire! As for Mr Fire, are ya sure? I mean, I don’t imagine fire lounging on a kid’s bed in his underpants.

  6. Love the post but I have gone blind from that one pic, lol

  7. Fire is hot. Like leather pants.

  8. I laughed so hard, I peed my pants, which is a good thing because my loins were on fire from looking at that beefcake pic. He looks like a cross between Andy McKee, Jack Black and Ron Jeremy.

  9. I’m not sure what disturbs me more: the body hair, the mullet, or the fact that a guy his age only has a single bed.

  10. Hey! How’d you get that picture of me? You’ve never had fun til you’ve played with geetars an’ guns…

  11. OMG…I can’t believe what I just saw.

  12. Sheena feed Typo Monster in every post. Sheena nice.

    “attempted” rather than “tempted”

  13. I totally relate to that pic….

  14. I thought that was Russell Brand too, hysterical. Great story, good thing you and your brother did not get hurt.

  15. Honestly I think that last guy is the love child of Russel Brand and a redneck! lol
    Love the post

  16. I definitely see the Brand resemblance. Cool!

  17. Gooooo Planet! I LOVED that show and spent many a afternoon wondering which ring I’d like to posses. Fire looked impressive but then I’d always be blamed for Any fires started around a 1 mile radius (I couldn’t get too far back then).
    By the way, please stop scaring innocent readers by posting horrendous dude photos. There are only so many times I can spew soda on the computer screen in one day.

  18. loved the story
    fire… the warmth of the flame… get close but don’t touch
    like the dancing girls around a steel pole (grin)
    the fire in a marriage the spark which keeps the flame alive…

  19. Rebecca Trotter

    When my oldest was about 9 he came up to me and said, “a lot of times I think about how cool it would be if fire came out of my hands.”
    “Really? You think this a lot?”
    “Yeah. Or wind. Like super wind. That would be cool too”
    “Wow. Being a boy must be really exciting.”
    “You have no idea, mom,” he said very seriously and walked away. Ha!
    I for one thing that a 9 year old boy who can shoot fire from his hands is a very bad idea!

  20. Your father is a gem genius! 🙂

    Subhan Zein

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