Alpha Mom: I Am More a MILF Than Thou

The alpha mom. This is the mom that did prenatal yoga, lost all her baby weight while she was still in the hospital, and is seemingly perfect.

She comes across as the enlightened progressive woman who has not only being a mother but her entire life in perfect balance.  Her diaper bag is organized, her children are quiet (but dress like dorks) and she has a sexy ( slightly nerdy but hard-bodied) husband who is quite successful.

Yes, she can jog in the park pushing a stroller while working from her blackberry and breastfeeding, it’s amazing.I can’t neglect to mention her workout clothes are not sweatpants, ever, but form flattering and color coordinating.  Perhaps one would not believe this woman with matching Vera Bradley purse and stroller ensemble really exists? It gets better, she still goes home, cooks organic quinoa casserole with goat cheese rhubarb chutney and roasted balsamic glazed vegetables twenty minutes faster than the recipe calculates. Not to mention so healthy, yet delicious Paula Dean would throw her muffins and cupcakes away for this meal.

The problem is, this type of mom impressive but tends to give the disappointing sideways glance at any other mother. Meaning, perfection is the objective and anything else is open to “friendly” criticism. The delivery is brought to you with a veneered smile that coffee (made without illegal Peruvian labor) never stains. I think there’s an assumption that all her effort should be revered by all and thus gives her the right to note disapproval.

While an intervention for outright child abuse or neglect is necessary immediately, not being up to par with said “perfect” mother should never even be an issue. Yes, I burn dinner and yes, my time management skills are less than desirable.  My car is a wasteland of toys and juice boxes. Staying on top of everything doesn’t come natural to me, and I accept it.

Alpha mom, stop your tyrannical trade on breastfeeding, and the sense of superiority that you get from it. You can, great, so can all mammals for eons…so, congratulations I suppose. I know, we all freaking know, formula isn’t as nutritious but guess what is less nutritious? Not feeding your kid. There is never a lack for criticism from this type of mother and I’m pretty sure it doesn’t stop at the playground, I have a feeling the husband really gets it when she’s home. Something tells me no one is really up to standard for her. No one works this hard to maintain appearances that is intrinsically happy.

This attitude makes good intentions and all efforts seem inadequate. I refuse to let seemingly sweet yet snide remarks chip away at my confidence in motherhood. Why? My kids aren’t dressed like Rod and Todd Flanders and I don’t piss people off pretending to be nice and saying some real bullshit all the time. I get annoyed when I can’t poop in peace, but I love my kid. I treat him accordingly, he knows it,  so it’s all good.

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59 responses to “Alpha Mom: I Am More a MILF Than Thou

  1. It’s ok Sheena, you’re still my favorite MILF. 🙂

  2. Hi Sheena,

    Very cool post, good job.

    -Peace

  3. Alpha Moms are bitches. Keep being you.

    • I made a good job of avoiding the B word but I think that’s the underlying theme that yes oh yes they sure can be. I must say my mom was a real June Cleaver but was not a butthole about it she was just naturally good at holding it down. Love that lady!

  4. Made me laugh, as always! Keep up the great work!

  5. You’re definitely MILF material. The Stepford Wife bit is played out. I’m not sure anybody really takes those types seriously, anyway. And I could just imagine what a prude she’d be in bed… everything is planned down to the minute and the changing of positions. I’ll pass on that…

    So when do you want to meet up for coffee, tea, dinner, more? Hahahaha, just playing… sort of.

    • I’m glad no one believes the hype! I guess this one hit home when I got a YMCA membership. I doubt these women are a lot of fun, they don’t seem to be at the pool…who knows? This post is like a singles ad, and I love it!

  6. Sheena you’ll always be my favorite MIAF [that’s not a typo, girl ;)]

  7. I loved your recipe for chutney quinoa. I can’t wait to try it! And I loved your recipe for disaster in moms. I can’t wait not to try it!

    • Yeah I don’t know what chutney is really…but it seems complicated. I can’t wait not to try it either ha ha

      • It could have something to do with spotted dick or cock-a-leekie or something. Then again, it could be some alpha mom who had fraternal twins and named them Whitney and Chutney.

      • I see spotted dick in the international foods and have always wondered what could this be? I doubt this is all British people eat but over here we have some biscuits, earl grey tea, and spotted dick. I can only assume it’s like tea time all the time!!! Also the Scandinavian is fish flavored everything. I know for sure European cuisine has got to be better than the local grocer will have me believe.

  8. My better half tried hard & for most part succeeded to remain semi-alpha after our first born. After second one she embraced the reality and we all live happily ever after.
    Very entertaining post.

  9. Another great post. I may never get the image of jogging breastfeeders out of my head though. Those Flanders kids are wieners, and my car is a wasteland too.

  10. another Sheena gem!

  11. I admire women and mothers who really have it all together – until they start in with that condescending attitude of superiority towards other women, and I’ve listened to my own wife complain about these types many times. What they don’t get, is how much more impressive it is, when someone really has it together, but with a grace and self confidence that doesn’t need to belittle others.

    • Yep, I’m sure she had her deal of it, I get it too. I refuse to compete though, it’s not that serious. I want my bond with my kid to be very real not a show 🙂

  12. Went to a Bday party held by an Alpha Mom a while back. Sure, it was her husband’s birthday party, but she started things off by talking about herself and the marathon she recently ran. I heckled her. I won.

  13. That was spectacular!!!!! Keep up the great work, Sheena!

  14. 4 women in my office have breastfed their kids, and they are the most sickly kids I know. My munchkin was bottle fed and is healthy….breast nazis need to be stopped !

    • They get over zealous, I had to go back to work so I didn’t have a choice, my workplace did not cater to those kinds of needs. My boy is healthy as can be, and I am grateful. It saddened me, b/c I wanted to so bad. BUT I will not frown either way…except women who breastfeed well into the age of two..I know of a woman…that’s creepy!

  15. Did someone say “MILF”?

  16. Simple pleasures are hard to come by sometimes, right Sheena?

    • Oh they sure are. I have to keep it simple, my mom game is not up to par. My boy is happy though and that’s what counts…and I have good intentions even if I can’t make my own granola (I tried it fell apart and melted in room temp…eek)

  17. Great commentary. From this male’s point of view, the type women you described are as hot as snow cones in January. However, she can now place those drunken sorority party days behind her.

  18. Giiirrrrrl, you make me giggle! Let’s blog swap for a post! You guest write for SexyTofu, I’ll guest write on Facehookin!

  19. Sheena, you continue to crack me up! Great post!

  20. Also ummm I wouldn’t mind having you as a guest blogger 🙂

  21. A very serious topic actually…part of “confused” westernization among innocent half learned women… 🙂

    But you made me smile all thru the post….have some similar specimens in our road 🙂

  22. I just started following your blog, and I love it. I don’t have kids of my own, but I’m a nanny, and I get glares (strong enough to penetrate through designer sunglasses) from yuppy moms at the playground constantly. This post made me laugh, and please know there are thousands of women who feel the same way as you!

  23. What a delight I have found in you! I am looking forward to reading more of your posts!
    I will have you as a Guest Blogger. I do that a bit differently than most people. I simply find a great post, paste the shortlink to your blog in the body of mine, write my thoughts about why your post is a must read and publish. Then there is no need for feeling like an exchange has to happen and there is no pressure from you to wrie something “new and great”. B/c what I liked is new and great! :o) Have a great day and thank you for opening up a new view of the world I need to enhance my coaching practice! AmberLena

  24. And P.S. I forgot….You make me want to talk a lot! LOL

    A great quote, ironically from your not so beloved feline friends:
    quote by Peter S. Beagle: ‘…no cat out of its first fur can ever be deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them.’
    From The Last Unicorn movie. See, those kitties are superior to some humnas…especially those fake moms! LOL :o)

  25. This is lovely.
    The moment when I realized I would never be the latte-slugging, designer velor sweat-suit wearing, molly maid mythical mommy who irons kleenex before handing it to their children who are so perfect and magical, they make unico-leprechauns weep in self-loathing moms… I found peace.

  26. Awesome post. I had to agree on the breastfeeding part – hated those mums who kept saying breast is best even though I clearly had problems doing it. In the end, my daughter had to be hospitalized for dehydration because they kept urging me to feed her exclusively.

    • OH my gosh thank you for sharing that, really, it’s hard and some women can be unforgiving Nazi’s about it. Yes, I know it is the best, it is, but my breasts became engorged so quick and then I couldn’t express, I freaked when I tried to pump and blood came out. I was sleep deprived and sore. I tried for several days to pump but couldn’t. No elder women to help they all did the formula thing immediately and my mom simply had no trouble. I was heartbroken to say the least when I gave in to formula. It was one of the most discouraging points of motherhood. So, it hurt my feelings when women would say something to me. I felt like I tried and even had I kept it up, I had to work in 6 weeks at a job that would not be so catering to a pump schdule. It seems like you had a hard time too. Well, my baby boy is 5 and he’s a healthy little guy. Thanks again!

  27. Hello Sheena!
    First off, awesome post and overall awesome blog:) Second, idk if you’ve ever seen the NBC show 30 Rock, but Avery Jessup from the show IS the Super MILF. Lol definitely check it out if you have netflix!
    -Ruby=)

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