A Butthole In Time

Yesterday, I got into my car and noticed that all of my radio stations that I had programmed were no longer in place. I flipped through static filled nonsense and then noticed the date on my console said it was January 1, 2012. Now this can only indicate two things. My car is a time machine albeit a lame one that only goes back two and half weeks in time or some mischievous elves slipped into my car. I know elves are not real, I leave shoe making materials out every night and wake to no shoes. I want my fucking shoes to buckle, audible sigh.

Well, then that means I have a time travel device at my disposal. I am not sure what I want to do with said abilities. Should I travel to the premier of  “My American Cousin” and save Honest Abe moments before his stove-pipe hat is blown into oblivion? By the way, I have studied pictures of Abe from this time and cannot find anyone else who sported this kind of hat. Why was Lincoln the only guy to rock it? It’s like Flava-Flav and the clock necklace or Snooki’s bump.  Some trends never catch on I suppose.

I wonder if I would go back to younger me and say “Don’t play pirates on the downed basketball goal, you’ll slice your arm open and your mother will freak out.” Maybe ” Hey don’t put red dye on bleached hair the resulting orange ( I mean it ORANGE) will have sent home from school and you’ll have to cut your horribly damaged hair off .” Perhaps “Don’t agree to a rusty trombone until you understand the daunting specifics.” Okay, so the first two were perhaps imagined but you get the point.

I am preparing for the trip, I know for sure what I want to do; bring my cell phone and travel back in time to when I saw a guy at Wal-Mart working in the deli, dumping fish on ice…with a wooden peg leg. I mean it he really had a wooden peg leg (yarrr!). I like to imagine he just came from a long voyage in which he caught all of the fish he was dumping on the ice. You know, after he has hidden his booty. When I saw this guy there was not such a thing as a cell phone with a camera. Regrettably I have no proof until now. Prepare my friends for the best Facebook upload ever, from ten years ago…to future Facebook…from future me in the past. Fuck yeah, I’m flexin’ .

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45 responses to “A Butthole In Time

  1. Are you driving a DeLorean by any chance?

  2. Sheena, only you could come up with that! lolz

  3. Good morning,

    Welcome back from your trip, and thanks for taking me along.

    Nice morning read.

    -Peace

  4. Ahhh… disseminatedthought beat me to it. Have a safe trip!

  5. Okay, I can’t do the time travel thing, but on friday when my wife mentioned that blues singer Etta James died, I replied, “Yeah, she died over two weeks ago. It was on the news.” My wife looked at me strangely while insisting “No, she just died today. Google it.” I told her that I didn’t need to google it, because I knew for certain that Ms. James died over two weeks earlier. Of course, my wife was right. (one, two, three, all together now ladies: “Of course your WIFE was RIGHT!!!” lol)

    So am I psychic? I seriously doubt it. I think that my mind just stumbled into a butthole in time, and then emerged from a parallel orifice over two weeks earlier. It’s the only logical explanation.

  6. You used “butthole” and “pirate” in the same post. I resent that. Just because I can’t get lucky doesn’t mean I bat for the wrong team. And I know you, like all posters, write specifically for me.
    On a boring note, maybe check the voltage at your battery when the car’s running. It should be about 14 volts DC, I think. The electronics will reset themselves sometimes when the battery loses power, so maybe the alternator is sucking ass. Though why would it start for you then? Hell, I’m not a mechanic. Also not a pegleg Walmart fishmonger. But I did see a black dog chasing a black chicken down a 4-lane highway through a nearby small town once, and I also didn’t have a camera, so noone believed me.

    • I know I am slightly concerned about the car…but hey it’s running. I was told by several ppl my batt lost power. I still want to think it will travel back to New Years Day…or…elves, because I want to catch one. No one believes stories of awesome. I do post specifically for you though, and I hope you approve love. he he

  7. Didn’t you already post this? LOL

  8. Those damn mischievous elves! Have fun in the Time Vortex!

  9. too funny.

    where’s your friend been? LOL

  10. Glad to hear I am not the only one with a bleach/red hair dye nightmare in my past. 16 year old me, screaming to my mother, “I look like F*(&ING Carrot-Top!!!”

    • Vitamin C was out at the time so all I could think of was her…I was oh nooooooo! I had the pixie cut for some time following that incident!

      • I tried to dye my hair blonde once, ended up looking like fire! Yellow orange and red from top to bottom

      • I didn’t learn my lesson, last year I tried to highlight and it was a disaster including a leak beneath the cap and large white spot…awesome.

  11. This is the very reason I don’t like to be slaved by time. If you go back in time again try to find out the mystery about dangling chads in Florida. Things started to go south after that.

  12. I’d travel back in time and make my father hold onto his 1967 Chevy Impala.

  13. So random!

  14. Typo Monster here:

    “the resulting orange ( I mean it ORANGE) will have sent home from school…”

    Should there be a pronoun in there?

  15. Love the comparison with flava flaves clock and the stove pipe. I have a sneaky suspicion that trends and fashion were a little less mobile back in the day. For example, Adolf hitlers moustache was from the teens. Theres some truth in the “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” And please, take a photo of peg leg dude. PLEASE.

    • Perhaps that’s it, but I figured with the mobility of the Lincoln/Douglas debates that would have been more visible? I suppose not. I mean there wasn’t commercials. Hitler doesn’t strike me as a real fashionista, so the relevancy of his mustache at said time doesn’t surprise me. The peg leg guy was great but no one bought it when I made frantic phone calls to describe how awesome it was.

  16. Lincoln was tall & thin, and I believe such people are usually advised to wear tall hats to de-emphasize their own proportions. That’s how Marie Antoinette started the tall hair styles: she had a high forehead that someone wanted to disguise. It makes sense that Lincoln’s stovepipe would be taller than anyone else’s.

  17. Liar. You can’t travel through time. I won’t believe it until I see a picture if you shaking hands with Teddy Roosevelt.

  18. Tanker boots have buckles. Normall two. Each. Go to a military surplus store…

  19. There was a talk show host who wanted to go back in time and interview people from the past. He then discovered they would all be in hell. So he changed his idea to be the first talk show host in hell to do interviews. That was the set-up then he opened the phone lines. The funnest hour of radio I tell ya. Nice work

  20. Hilarious post – LOVE it!!

  21. Thanks for the laugh. I would love to go back in time to see the original Star Wars movies on those BIG curved screens in HUGE theaters with balconies again!

    • I didn’t even think about that, what a treat it would be to see that or the debut of the first silent film…thank you for reading. I love the title of your blog 🙂

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