A Tale of Moderate Destruction

Perhaps the weather has stifled my creativity? Winter has a way of making me wish my species could in fact hibernate as well. Even better than hibernation, turn into a bad ass statue that come to life after thousands of years! Instead of a rant perhaps an embarrassing childhood story about myself will lighten not only my mood but yours too…qouth the raven “Nevermore!”

The setting is Baycliff, Texas (The stars at night, are big and bright clap clap clap…ah forget it). Imagine five-year old me. I look the same, but with a younger more smug, content little asshole look on my face. My neighbor who lives one house down from me is my playmate. Imagine another five-year old that happens to be a mouth breather as well.

Her house has a ladder that is attached to the back porch and will take you directly on to the roof. Perhaps it was installed for Santa’s convenience? I don’t know why this dangerous situation was readily available to young children but hey, it’s the 80’s. I mean people watched Alf for entertainment, enough said.  We climb up only to discover a solitary loose shingle. I throw it into the next door neighbor’s pool. A light bulb goes off. What a fun game! Let OPERATION THROW SHIT IN THE POOL commence! To make it more fun we kept score of a direct hit or ya know, shingles in the pool. Of course for ammo we had to rip the other shingles up.

Might I remind you I am five and this was fun, albeit totally destructive, it was a gay (as in happy) time to be had! The next day however my mom was not so gay. She was pissed. I had to go over and apologize for being a winner of the shingle toss and a loser of common sense.

I wonder if my neighbor’s parents wanted to kill me? I’m pretty sure they hated my face from that moment on and every time they hear “Sugar Walls” by Sheena Easton (yep, my name sake) do they want to punch things? I know for a fact it was not cheap repairing the damage, and I think my parents forked over some money to say…sorry my kid’s a barf princess cootie collector.

I miss childhood, I can’t believe what one can get away with and not get arrested. I miss Texas because it’s cold and raining in Tennessee…and I miss summer. I hope you had a good laugh I did when this memory surfaced. Now, for a metaphorical middle finger to Seasonal Affective Disorder. Yep, I went there.


36 responses to “A Tale of Moderate Destruction

  1. I think I got you beat. When I was 4, around Christmas, we lived in this apartment complex. This was a time when kids could wander all over the place with no supervision. I went around looking in people’s mailboxes, and if they had gifts or Christmas cards, I would take them. I got caught once, but I just told the lady that I was bringing people their mail. But I wasn’t. I brought all this stuff under the stairs to our apartment, opened all the gifts, read all the cards to my brother, and had a good time.

    I was only caught when I brought a wallet into the house. And looking back, I must have committed no fewer than 25 felonies.

  2. Alf? I hadn’t heard of Him in years…
    humorous as always

    • I know, I got to thinking about childhood and Alf come forward, I did watch an episode only a couple years ago, and thought “OH WOW, people watched this and liked it!”. Soooo, you know, I had to mention it. I was more of a Bob Ross, The Smurfs and Muppet Show gal myself. Also at this age I could not be convinced Micheal Jackson was a man! Thank you so much as always for reading!

  3. Hahaha! I did something similar, but different. My father owned a company that made and sold pain to companies like Ford, Chrystler, GM and so on, back when the auto industry was booming. So there are probably still some 80s cars out there right now with my father’s pain on the interior.

    Anyway, in the plant they had these giant paint mixers, kida like a big giant bowl with one of those cake batter mixers swirling the paint into a big giant whirlpool.

    One day I was fascinated watching the paint swirl around, and thought there just so happened to be this bag of sand (used to clean paint messes) nearby. I grabbed a little handful and lightly let it sift out of my hand and watched it mix into that paint. It was pretty cool to watch the sand mix in and then disappear. And so I grabbed more and more and kept doing it for a few minutes.

    Needless to say, I can’t remember whether or not someone caught me or I just got bored and stopped, but I do remember that eventually my father was furious and if I remember I got in some big trouble…

    Damn my imagination 😉

  4. I got busted throwing rocks over the fence into the neighbors’ pool. It was fun listening to them go “kerplunk.” So evil.

    Sorry you’re named for Sheena Easton. Guess I avoided John, Paul, George and Ringo.

  5. OMG, I can really see my own kid doing what you did. He’s a sneaky little bastard! However, I think I even have even crazy Edward Hotspur beat…at 5, I killed a dog. I posted about it a while back, but here’s the part you really want to read…

    Dog saving: When i was 5, I found a small poodle running around our neighborhood before school. Without telling anyone, I lead it into our backyard and with what was apparently a very short rope, tied it to my swing set. The actual swing to be exact. I’m not sure how, but it hung itself and my friend Jeremy Goldstrich and I found it dead after school. Talk about epic fail.

    As far as I know, we never knew who’s dog it was. My mom never even got mad because I was so upset. She was probably also trying to be sweet lest I turn into a serial killer. It was an accident, yes, but it only goes to show the lack of judgement we show at age five. Other than this, I didn’t start showing signs of delinquency until at least age 12. BTW, I’m also a mouth breather. Good time.


    • The rest of the post is hilarious, thanks for sharing that! I loved it. Yeah you got us both beat, five yr olds make terrible decisions, I guess that’s why they need parents huh?

  6. Aw, a kids life! It is all to late in life as grown up’s, to then look back and except that a kids life is the best of times. Or so it seems. Even more so now I think. My parents still cood spank! Now these days it is child abuse. So it is, kids can, and often do get away with murder at our parents expence. Just one more thing to think about before having kids people!!
    LOL loved the post! All the best.

  7. WordsFallFromMyEyes

    This was a great read. And I saw Edward’s comment. Unreal – stealing mail shit. This was great 🙂

  8. the most surprising thing about this post to me is that you miss Texas. 🙂 oops – my bad. continue…

    • ha ha ha! I do if only for hot weather. This may surprise anyone, but I think my core is on freeze, I stay cold. I love hot weather…I hate winter…thus I MISS Texas 🙂

  9. Great stuff Sheena,
    keep it up…


  10. Life was so much easier when I thought girls were icky….

  11. You have my vote for person I would most want to keep off my roof and away from my pool! THAT LITTLE NEIGHBOR GIRL!!! *Shaking fist in the air

  12. I used to throw cats off the roof of the apartment building I grew up in to see if they would land on their feet. They never did.

  13. If only your parents realized that massive money could’ve been made from their daughter’s destructiveness. All they had to do was videotape that act and send it to MTV. The money they would’ve made could’ve paid off the repair bills, and also kick-started your future career as a Jackass .

    • Sadly, MTV still played dang ‘ol music videos. This would have been video worthy footage for sure. You know I bet my parents used my college fund to pay….hmmmm

  14. Alf never got his due, did he?

  15. Ah, kids and the ridiculous stuff they get up to.
    You know how everything from your childhood seems bigger than it actually is? I suspect that’s even more true for you, given that you hail from Texas. It’s well known that everything–including childhood memory–is bigger in Texas.
    I’m so sorry. It’s a sickness I have.

    • Perhaps, it’s funny my mom vaguely remembered this, and when she did, it seems like it was long forgotten. I guess it was minuscule to her. I still think those neighbors hate me to this day.

  16. Hey… It’s alf. I had all but forgotten about that little… dynorabbitmonkey?
    I mean who the bloody hell knows what the devil he is. Heeyyy. Maybe that’s it!!!

  17. When I was a Kid I used to knock on people’s door and runaway… and the usual stuff. The epic evening was when I took a pebble and threw it in the face of this man i didn’t like and man did he get mad …. i think the reason for his extra anger may be because he was on a bike when i threw it on his face 😛 my mum was so apologetic and my aunt was asking him to chill out like a boss as i was ‘just a small kid’. I loved terror!

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