My Inner Warrior

Like a stereotypical girl I am absolutely terrified of spiders. The minute I see one I think my mind fails to interpret any and all sensory input correctly. Suddenly, the threat of death is very real, and a common house spider is a tarantula the size of a house cat, ready to fill me with it’s necrotic, acid like venom that will send me into total paralysis. I’m conscious of my heart stopping and my lungs no longer able to expand and except life giving oxygen.

Much less scary

Imagine now, how I react when I am alone. I have no one to scream, “Oh my God kill it, make it pay for ever living it’s wretched, eight legged life!” I never take my eyes off the creature so it may not scurry away only to reemerge in the night, crawl onto my face and lay eggs in it. I grab a shoe, and death spray (air freshener, hairspray, or household cleaner). I run at it screaming like a crazed Tom Cruise on Oprah’s couch “I love Katie Holmes motherfucker!”. I beat and spray the spider. Fear is the only thing motivating all of my actions. After 70 to 80 hits with my shoe, a small leg pops up. Though it looks like a squiggle line, it manages to pull the spider forward as it clings to life.

Guess who else is fucking scary and will not die? Jason, Mike Meyers, Freddie Kruger, should I go on? I don’t understand the physics here. If I were to be beat with a car, my body would become chum. How is this spider alive?!?! I hate anything with more than four legs, I hate anything with an exoskeleton.

This is realistic and can happen while you sleep

I really hate bugs that jump. The very thought that a bug might land on me is pure terror. I am pretty sure I may be one of those people who are just an incident away from sever mental illness and a bug jumping on me will be the phenomenon that makes me walk down the street naked with a samurai sword. Seriously, crazy fucking people love martial arts. There are several mugshots on TheSmokingGun.com where some nut was carrying a samurai sword. I always spray the jumping bugs first with the death spray to disorient them, then I ATTACK!. The first hit is usually the most devastating because it’s filled with rage. I get angry that these bugs can jump and they take their creepiness to the next level. I don’t know if I have ever experienced bodily harm from a bug jumping on me but I think I would be more calm if I were engulfed in flames.

Perhaps this is a phobia, and maybe some behavioral therapy would help. I would punch my psychiatrist if he ever thought exposing me to bugs would help me confront my fear.  I would however, help him eat through a straw for six months. In conclusion I hate bugs. Bugs hate me. I run my house like a deadly violent street gang, if bugs are on my turf, in my hood, they will recognize who runs shit around here. I need new designated bug killer in my life, or boyfriend, whatever.

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28 responses to “My Inner Warrior

  1. I will make an extra effort to try not to bug you… 😉 Go ahead – throw those rotten cyber-tomatoes at me! You know you want to, and I deserve it! Lol

  2. On the farm here, the spiders are so bad they keep roaches as pets.
    Hilarious post — i was convulsing here.

    On the serious side, a 12 pound cast-iron fence post maul works well on most creepers, and even small rats.

    Don’t leave the farm without one.

    • You said farm, I pictured Arachnophobia where those huge spiders took over the whole house. I am scaring myself now. Thanks for reading. I wish there was a way to kill them from across the room. I need to not get too close.

  3. “Guess who else is fucking scary and will not die? Jason, Mike Meyers, Freddie Kruger….”
    You forgot Dick Cheney. (shudder)

  4. LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!…..continue…

  5. I’ll admit spiders are f***ing creepy, especially the ones that can launch their own ass about five feet. Way too agile. Nasty. But they do eat mosquitos.

  6. “This is realistic and can happen while you sleep.”
    I sure as Hell hope not!

  7. I just remembered something here… You were nice enough, and apparently brave enough as well, to make a complimentary comment on my “newspaper headlines” post, even though it had BUGS crawling all over it! Now that’s what I call a loyal reader! Either that, or you’re also practicing for making an appearance on “Fear Factor”! Lol 😉

  8. I think I am more creeped out by the spider cat…though spiders are pretty creepy when you think you smushed one and it scurries away.

  9. Naked? Samurai? Hurray for grasshoppers!

  10. LOL! I love your writing style. Ya I hate bugs too, especially spiders.. why do they have to be so creepy? And it’s like they can sense when people are scared of or don’t like them because I feel like I encounter them way more than the average person. Oh and thanks in advance for all the nightmares I’m going to have after looking at that second picture. But ya, good stuff!

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