I don’t care about Valentine’s Day this year.The only thing I have ever really liked about Valentine’s Day thus far is the Simpsons episode where Lisa gave Ralph a valentine, he fell in love with her, she broke his heart in front of Krusty the Clown. Classic episode.
To be honest I can’t help but be bummed this go round (I always am if I’m single). It really is the one day of the year I resent all things romantic only to return to normalcy the following day, and I’m once again happy for those in relationships that work. It gives me hope that I will eventually get a box of lame chocolates (that I take a bite of and swear that one was diarrhea filled) from someone who is adversely more awesome than that box of chocolates. Perhaps even better, a heartfelt acknowledgement of affection on days other than this ridiculously obligatory holiday.
Without running the risk of coming across as the ultimate C-word and being too negative, I just want to share with you, in my opinion, the worst Valentines Day gift.
Today I heard an advertisement on the radio for a four-foot teddy bear from Vermont Teddy Bears. I don’t think I would be happy with not only a stupid gift but a GIANT stupid fucking gift. So it has to take up the same amount of space as a fat child? The claim on the radio was that “she can’t help but think of you every time she looks at it.” Well, of course not, because it’s taking up half the room and it’s staring at me while I undress (furthermore I think I see it’s silhouette in the shower curtain…it’s going to kill me). I can’t help but think how out of touch a guy must be to buy this. I can’t help but think how I will get rid of it and what story will I tell when I do. How is this going to easily fit in the Salvation Army donation box? Or the dumpster? Can I use it in the carpool lane to scoot through morning traffic? I think I outgrew teddy bears when I was a child, so why not buy a bigger one because I’m a bigger adult? I’m not being shallow, I am being genuine, that gift sucks.
I’m not going to listen to “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morrisette on repeat. I’m not going to promise I won’t want to puke on my computer tomorrow when every one posts a mobile upload of their gifts and dinner. I think that not having a “valentine” this year cancels out the possibility I will get this stupid big bear. I welcome this gift about as much as waking up tomorrow to discover I suddenly have androgynous genitalia.
Actually, if any attractive guys that happen to be gainfully employed and won’t make me listen to Morrisey all day EVERY day want to buy one of these this year…you’ll be single for me next year on Valentine’s day…I included the link above so get to it, they have guaranteed delivery for tomorrow.