Noway V-day

I don’t care about Valentine’s Day this year.The only thing I have ever really liked about Valentine’s Day thus far is the Simpsons episode where Lisa gave Ralph a valentine, he fell in love with her, she broke his heart in front of Krusty the Clown. Classic episode.

To be honest I can’t help but be bummed this go round (I always am if I’m single). It really is the one day of the year I resent all things romantic only to return to normalcy the following day, and I’m once again happy for those in relationships that work. It gives me hope that I will eventually get a box of  lame chocolates (that I take a bite of and swear that one was diarrhea filled)  from someone who is adversely more awesome than that box of chocolates. Perhaps even better, a heartfelt acknowledgement of affection on days other than this ridiculously obligatory holiday.

Without running the risk of coming across as the ultimate C-word and being too negative, I just want to share with you, in my opinion, the worst Valentines Day gift.

Today I heard an advertisement on the radio for a four-foot teddy bear from Vermont Teddy Bears. I don’t think I would be happy with not only a stupid gift but a GIANT stupid fucking gift. So it has to take up the same amount of space as a fat child? The claim on the radio was that “she can’t help but think of you every time she looks at it.” Well, of course not, because it’s taking up half the room and it’s staring at me while I undress (furthermore I think I see it’s silhouette in the shower curtain…it’s going to kill me). I can’t help but think how out of touch a guy must be to buy this. I can’t help but think how I will get rid of it and what story will I tell when I do. How is this going to easily fit in the Salvation Army donation box? Or the dumpster? Can I use it in the carpool lane to scoot through morning traffic?  I think I outgrew teddy bears when I was a child, so why not buy a bigger one because I’m a bigger adult? I’m not being shallow, I am being genuine, that gift sucks.

I’m not going to listen to “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morrisette on repeat. I’m not going to promise I won’t want to puke on my computer tomorrow when every one posts a mobile upload of their gifts and dinner. I think that not having a “valentine” this year cancels out the possibility I will get this stupid big bear.  I welcome this gift about as much as waking up tomorrow to discover I suddenly have androgynous genitalia.

Actually, if any attractive guys that happen to be gainfully employed and won’t make me listen to Morrisey all day EVERY day want to buy one of these this year…you’ll be single for me next year on Valentine’s day…I included the link above so get to it, they have guaranteed delivery for tomorrow.


43 responses to “Noway V-day

  1. Be careful what you wish for… You may end up needing a spare room that you’ll be calling “the bear room”. Lol

  2. I’m not kidding when I tell you that I saw the same Vermont Teddy Bear commercial last night and was thinking of featuring this monstrosity as the worst v-day gift idea ever in a c-like post of my own tomorrow. I think you did it more justice than I could have. This bear is a bad news 🙂

    • Well the other Vermont Teddy bears are stupid too. I was angry when I got on the website…they were that stupid. You should post one too, get the word out. If you stop one v day disaster it will be worth it. Thanks for reading!

  3. If there’s an inflatable female version of the aforementioned bruin, I
    need to place an overnight rush delivery order.

  4. i love the creepy picture…actuall bill maher did a riff on this ad the other nite. happy v-day…i think. continue…

  5. I agree. A giant-ass teddy bear is a stupid gift. What the hell are you supposed to do with it? Where do you put it? It would get in the way and take up room. And your Psycho shower scene scenario… *shudder* That…is something I wouldn’t have thought of and now that you’ve put it in my head, it’s just one MORE reason I wouldn’t want a teddy bear nearly as big as me.

    Actually, I kind of feel that way about all stuffed animals, come to think of it…

    I mean, if a man is going to get me a gift for Valentine’s Day, be romantic and give me a gift I can USE! Flowers are okay and their use is to make a room pretty for a couple of days and smell nice, but if a guy gets me that, they must be in ADDITION to something a bit longer lasting. And not only that, but give me a gift I actually WANT! Like a KitchenAid stand mixer with all the attachments. I’ve been wanting one of those set-ups for YEARS and have mentioned it about a billion times.

    Jewelry? Pfft. No. I can’t use it. A Canon EOS Rebel camera? Now you’re talking. A new computer or a new car? Yeah, baby.

    If said man got me one of these gifts–things I actually WANT–I’d rip off his clothes and do him on the kitchen table for being so thoughtful to actually buy me a gift I’ve only been asking for forever. Not to mention, some of these things are actually cheaper than expensive jewelry (which is the go-to gift for a lot of guys, it seems).

    C’mon guys. Listen to your lady friends and remember the things she says she actually wants. And use a little imagination. Sigh.

    • So funny you say this, upon writing this my friends and I have since talked about practical gifts and how great they really are. Oil change, tires, kitchen supplies…all of those, though not considered romantic are great. Why? because I begrudgingly spend money on these things. I don’t care much about the jewelry because it’s expensive I like memories. So going somewhere special and taking lots of pictures or something together where we spend quality time with each other lasts me forever and is more endearing. Plus times are hard and money is tight for everyone. I think we need to go back to free things like an effort to show affection. I’m just saying it’s guaranteed lovins’ for a while 🙂

  6. Hahahah! That’s a ridiculously-sized bear! If people can use teddy bears to smuggle drugs, Angelina Jolie could smuggle African children with these!

  7. Knock Valentine’s Day as much as you want…but do you have to insult chocolate???

    • Don’t get me wrong I love chocolate slightly less than my mother. It’s delicious. I don’t like boxed chocolates that have surprise gross ingredients like a cherry, or coconut..or human eye…they’re gross. I mean at least to me, but I love simple dark chocolate with nothing in it…why mess up a good thing?

  8. So many things come to mind here, but I will behave for once! I hear ya totally and have almost got through the day here peacefully! So far.. May not be the case next year if there is a significant “other” so enjoying it as you should too. After all next year you might have to deal with a 5 foot bear! 😉

  9. Valentines, giant teddy bears, all mean nothing without the rest of the year to back it up. I’m with you on the giant thing though. Do they need then to keep getting bigger each year? And the longer you are together the more outsized teddies sitting scaring passers by in the fron garden or in you car/garage, hanging from the roof. staring out of windows!

    I do like Valentines though, normal ones.


    • I am a sucker for the homemade type or even better a simple note or letter, it’s so heartfelt! I don’t see the need for crazy large bears unless you have those odd giant mascot like animal costume fetishes…furries? I can’t remember. In that case it’s the happiest day ever.

  10. Pingback: Jorts are Never Okay–Tell That to The 90s | A Rich, Full Life In Spite of It

  11. I’ve always wondered who the hell bought those and how the stayed in business for so long. I guess there is a market for them but still, just no. If I had a gf and she wanted one of them, I’d seriously start reevaluating our relationship immediately. I’d rather she asked for a hoodie-footie (ok…I’m lying…I’d probably just outright dump her then).
    Hopefully you’ll have a decent day and someone unexpectedly surprises you with something sweet.

    • Guess what? There is a hoodie footie combo where you can get a bear that wears one too! I almost wrote about that as well but I mean what is there to say? I should have added the picture maybe…there is an edit button. Vermont Teddy Bears are terrible, but also expensive. I don’t get it. I am pretty sure today will be a good one, regardless of a valentine or not 🙂

  12. Every girl should have a 4 foot teddy bear. You never know when a robber will break into your house and night time. You throw that 4 foot Vermont Teddy Bear on him, he’s not gonna think it’s fake. Who in their right mind would have a 4 foot teddy bear in their house. He’ll think it’s real and run away.

  13. If someone gave me a 4 foot teddy bear I would throw him and the teddy bear out the front door. Lol. That was so mean, but I would not be impressed by a large teddy bear at all. I guess it is the thought that should count right? Perhaps, he should have thought harder!!!!Lol

  14. I got a 4 foot teddy bear! When I was six. It was great to sit and read in it’s lap. It was also soft and fun to scare my little sister with. If someone gave me one now I would probably laugh myself sick.

  15. I saw the commercial for that bear and felt the same way you do. “Out of touch” is the perfect way to describe any man who purchases that. If I received it, I would probably assume it was a joke, laugh, realize it wasn’t a joke and then tell the guy to find someone else to give it to.

  16. I need one of those teddy bears…Nah, just kidding haha! Although a secret admirer would have been nice. Like back in elementary school 😀

    • Yeah, I think that would be sweet but how creepy would it be to open your door and see a huge ass bear on your porch it’s size makes in intimidating. Like, it enhances the creepiness of leaving things on ppl’s proches? Yeah this is an in person gift. I’d like a valentine from a secret admirer 🙂

  17. I never liked teddy bears and I doubt I ever will. I got it as a gift from my sister on graduation and it just sits on work desk in a useless manner. See, people like you are such a rarity these days! glad to have come around! following you now 🙂

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