He is Sofa King Cool Part One

When I sing, people of various gender and ethnic groups gather, but no ugly ones. Sorry, those are karaoke rules.

I love karaoke. I love anyone’s rendition of Journey. If they add the air guitar it’s like putting butter on a fresh biscuit. It’s that level of incredible. Here recently I have increased my attendance to a long loved pastime. This is the point where I answer, yes, I sing. I rock the fucking house down with my masterful choreographed movements that are set on “Swayze” and I at least sing better than any Kids Bop album. Seriously, I hate those kids, all of them.

I have fallen in love three times now. I have divided this into three parts for each love because, lets face it, if it’s too wordy you are going to get distracted with cat videos on You Tube.  I will share with you what is inside my heart to tell you, anonymous audience that I don’t know. Seriously, one of you is a robot, perpetrating as human. I know it.

That's the hot sister-wife. Truth.

The first time I fell in love at a karaoke bar was with the owner. I like to call him “Big Baller The Shot Caller” or to make it short, Baller. Okay, imagine now the single most important looking man you have ever seen, who dresses hip despite his age and has the presence of a rock star. I am sure mentally you doodle up the guy from Sister Wives right? Yeah, that’s pretty close. He had a nifty button down with iron crosses, skulls and shit. He made sure I knew he ran the joint, he was the big fucking cheese around that place. He also told me he was an actor and I could easily identify him in a Rascal Flatts video (he tried to walk at first, but they begged him to return offering more pay, like a boss). I know his acting was so phenomenal that anyone would spot him in the background like “Hey look at that dapper mother lover doing a fist pump in sync with the song!” No one does it better, no one.

He had the confidence of a  once awkward, unpopular teen celebrity coming home to high school reunion. I felt this guy was really going to be famous and just a shade under sixty-five. I mean, a Rascal Flats video, fuck the world ya’ll. I am sure he was sincere in telling me what a lovely lady I am, just stunning. I believe there is no possible way he thought my youth made me dumb enough to sleep with a celebrity guy wearing not enough Hugo Boss being that he might have even injected the stuff too.

This doesn't end in a circle jerk...wait yes, yes it does.

I’m guessing the Baller wouldn’t have time to call me back because he’s too busy signing autographs?Duh, of course.  I felt I might be too needy for this man, I mean he’s so busy making cheddar, and banging groupies. I know I couldn’t resist myself when I ran into an extra from Salute Your Shorts…or well, the guy who almost was on the show, same difference, I am feeling like a Heidi Fleiss hooker and I know that I know, all of you women are jealous right now.

I want to also take  a moment to thank my dear friend who reveled in my obvious discomfort and I made “save me” eyes to no avail. I really thought I was going to have to say the, “Oh boy I ate wings earlier and I gotta shit!” line. It repulses men to think women poop. To conjure such imagery it matters not how slutty your dress is, the dude is turned off. Well, unless he likes poop but the odds are in your favor ladies. Tune in for my next installment of love and bad Cee Lo Green covers.

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42 responses to “He is Sofa King Cool Part One

  1. I love Karaoke too! Not a good singer though.. LOL

    Subhan Zein

  2. Never Dirty Dancing 2….. No Swayze, no wayze…

  3. “Oh boy I ate wings earlier and I gotta shit!”….priceless. continue…

  4. Your captions are great :).

  5. When I sing it bears a close resemblance to the castrating of a mule. Oh but if I could successfully sing Fuuuck Yooou….or Pictures of Your Dick…… why I would make them my karaoke.anthems!!!
    Hahaha the woman poo poo thing on dates. I can’t bear to think of a beau visualizing me on a crapper. As far as they are concerned…. Poo is something others do. Do you think that is why the guy last night told me I was full of shit?
    Funny thing is I have ended many a date early so I could take a poo in the quiet serenity of my own abode. My new apartment has two bathrooms. So I have designated one as my Poo Poo Room. Now when new company is around, I can still keep up the fairytale that I never do a number two.

    • I wish I had two restrooms! This has been my fail safe method for ending convo with a dude and I need to bail immediately. No questions asked they just think I am disgusting! Hmmmm you have me motivated to write about this ……thanks!

  6. I am Karaoke death, I can murder a single note with consummate ease. As a consequence I steer well clear of anything harmonic.

    I went to visit a friend in Manchester once, he had the full kit. Scared me, he tried to get me singing, heard the first line and decided against it.

  7. Kidz Bob ruined my childhood.

  8. Spelling ruined my life.

  9. I’ve since retired… but my two, all time best, crowd pleasers were Divinyls’ I Touch Myself, and Meat Loaf’s duet Paradise by the Dashboard Light. That shit was fun!

  10. A long long time ago, after about a dozen shots, I did La Bamba at Karaoke. In Spanish. With four screaming Mexicans.

    No, I don’t speak Spanish…

  11. My parents love karaoke, have their own machine at home, and sing it all the time. Thus, I absolutely loathe it.

  12. Hilarious post. It’s funny to think how many people consider themselves actors, and how many of us buy it. Being an extra or having once auditioned for a music video seems enough for most people. 🙂

  13. I, too, hate those kids. All of them.

  14. I follow a lot of blogs, but there’s only a handful that I have on “must read every single post” status. You’re on that short A list, Sheena, and yes, I think you are that good.
    So it is my pleasure to share with you The 7 x 7 Link Award. There is no need for you to do anything with it, other than to just enjoy it and take it as a compliment. Have a great day! 🙂
    http://walkoffwin55.wordpress.com/2012/02/26/when-awards-attack-the-final-conflict/

  15. “He had the confidence of a once awkward, unpopular teen celebrity coming home to high school reunion.” What a great line! Funny stuff sheena funny!. Also, lets do Karoake when I come to town!

  16. God help me I cannot sing. Or play an instrument. Except an mp3 player.

  17. Pingback: Online Dating Sites You Never Knew Existed & Some Not Sure They Should « snarkysnatch

  18. I had to post this comment as soon as I read the first three lines. How can you like anyone’s rendition of Journey? I mean it’s OK to pretend to like it to their face when you know they’re crazy nervous singing and all but why say it on your blog unless you really mean it? And I refuse to believe you mean it. So there.

  19. I love your sense of satire and biting sarcasm, which is razor sharp and hilarious here. First pic and caption is great! And you are wise to divide this up into three parts, because it’s true that many folks online have the attention span of a gnat and yes those cat vids are mighty distracting! 🙂
    Journey… I tend to confuse them with Night Ranger, who did that song “Sister Christian”, which will always be memorable to me cause of the way it was used in that classic scene of the drug deal gone bad in “Boogie Nights” Journey did “Open Arms” which makes me smile, because of the way my wife would sing “So here I am with broken arms…” cause she knew it would always crack me up.
    Your “evacuation plan” is a great way to beat a retreat from losers! I can see that you’re a gal who knows how to think on her feet and get away by getting lighter on her feet! Lol

  20. You have to watch the movie Jackpot! Greatest karoake movie ever. John Griese and Garret Morris. They travel from show to show. Garrets is the “manager” and they are trying to get John’s tape into 7-11 type stores stores!

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