I recently wrote about my generation and our absolute failure at dating. I got a lot of great feedback, probably the most I have received since I wrote about my hate mail in one post. I wrote at length about why I think collectively, my age group give or take some years have become detached and incapable of forging meaningful relationships. I blamed our consumer mentality and the convenience of contraceptives and protection.
I am going to address why I personally think as a woman I am failing. I am holding grudges. I’m holding Kill Bill style grudge that influences absolutely everything about my dating today. It’s hard to recoup after a devastating blow to your pride and emotions. Perhaps because I feel like a fool? I do. I am mad that I didn’t detect the bull shit. I fell into the false intentions and pretend sincerity.
I’m supposed to brush myself off and act like it’s nothing right? I don’t think so, I can’t sing a sassy little song about it either. I think I am prolonging the need to deal correctly with bitterness by trying to date immediately after. The enormity of grievances are not being properly managed, they are being filed away in the wrong cabinets. What’s worse, as young girls (at least in the South I know for sure) we are taught anger is not lady like. It’s not okay to be mad, lest you want to be a bitch. I deny that need to bare my canines and say a name with REAL contempt, not a deflective sarcastic joke. I avoid a very real part of the healing process because I’m too proud to admit I feel the full spectrum of emotions and that someone got the best of me this time.
On the rebound, I haven’t addressed what happened. I have enough anger to drift into the next galaxy right now. I want to punch a black hole in that mother fucker’s face daily. I realize it’s unreasonable, but I want him to hurt just as long as I do, though I know he isn’t sweating shit. People like him don’t, their self interest far exceeds compassion of any kind. I have to deal with the enormity of being wronged and also being wronged by someone unaffected by his cruelty to others as well. Therefore my rage is hard to deconstruct when it’s seems replenished so easily. There is nothing more antagonizing than disingenuous apologies and nonobligatory texts of well wishing ; “Just hope you’re doing okay and have a nice (insert whatever fucking holiday into this generic message)”.
I therefore have lost the ability to bridge first date to continued contact and following dates. I don’t know how to function. That’s not this last asshole’s fault it’s mine. I let it happen. I also tried to date too soon and brush him off like I wasn’t stressing him. My pride is counterproductive. I think a lot of women are the same way.
I should have been busy being a proud mother, employee, and woman. I should be doing my best and letting that be more satisfying, always enthused to improve too. I failed to do that before. Now, my pride is hurt in another way when it wasn’t on a solid foundation. I cope with self sabotaging dating behavior or well, dropping off the face of the earth so suddenly.
All of that being said, I feel like that’s my guilty part of the mess. I am sure that I have never acknowledged the hurt of other break ups. I carry the residual over, always meeting with crossed arms, guard fully up. I tend to let the instances where I got hurt rule my dating attitude. I in turn become another bitter girl who is a total flake. Then I’m sure it’s the next girl’s problem when the guy doesn’t put as much effort into their date because of my rude behavior. It’s a cycle.
The positive thing is, this last reckless hedonist cock-rocker (yeah, I know I’m going there) with no class, no shame, selfish asshole with self-important, arrogant, pseudo alfa male bullshit bravado has accomplished one thing; I got more introspective. Enough so I realize I need to put into action a way to counteract the self-destructive tendencies I have starting ASAP. I mean, shame on him, but shame on me for letting it bleed over into other parts of my present life and future life. I don’t feel alone, I think guys tend to agree most women walk around with too much old unresolved grief.
This was the most cathartic post written to date but I feel better. Funny stuff next time, I mean even dirty alcoholic clowns get sad, you have seen those creepy velvet paintings right?
Wait, Wait, Wait! Totally off subject;
May I take the time to thank some fellow bloggers who have mentioned mine in some very cool ways via reblogging, award nominations or links….Be sure to read them I like these blogs in very different ways, but enjoy reading them all just the same.