Today’s Movie Review: Hard Ride To Hell

I saw undeniably the most incredible movie of my deprived life last night. What could possibly be more memorable in my life? The lack of vacancy for  MC Hammer style hip hop dance classes at Miss Amy’s School of Art? I never learned how to break it down, never. What time is Hammer Time? When ?! I want to be too legit to quit! For serious, that was a class at this little school, I didn’t get signed up in time, mom put me in art…divine intervention is what I think happened, I was a dumb ass eight year old is what I know happened.

The Sons of Anarchy don't know about these dudes. They got real street cred.

Okay, so the movie; Hard Ride To Hell. It was…fearless, elevated, it fucked the world. I have provided the movie information via Rotten Tomatoes below:

A group of terrified campers attempt to outrun a gang of devil-worshipping bikers in this high-octane horror flick starring Miguel Ferrer and Katherine Isabelle (Ginger Snaps). They were just looking for a place to pop a tent; now they’re running for their lives. Texas can be a truly unforgiving place, especially if you’ve just stumbled into a blood sacrifice. Now, in order to escape their diabolical pursuers, the desperate vacationers flee to a remote ghost town and seek sanctuary in a derelict church. A chance encounter with a mysterious young boy and a malevolent priest, however, leads to a terrifying battle between good and evil that no mortal could ever survive. ~ Jason Buchanan, Rovi

What else made this movie so awesome provided in list form

1. The bad guys are a Satan worshiping motorcycle gang, the members are so evil they observe no rules. They didn’t properly extinguish their camp fire, littered everywhere, disobeyed all traffic rules even driving over double-sided yellow lines while drinking beer, and of course murder and general mayhem (they even took a massive  messy duke in the campers’ RV). I mean they’re like, “I worship the fucking devil, you think I’m going to wait HERE to be served?” or “Hey bro, my dark lord and master Satan wants me to take more than one sample of summer sausage, I don’t listen to what Sam’s Club says!”

2. The cast of evil bikers? They growled mostly to indicate they had their own primal yet effective form of communicating. I also saw enough tribal tattoos to fill the wet dreams of an undercover homosexual bodybuilder for years. Yes, tribal, I thought that was less biker and more douche bag right?

3. There was a bad ass hero, he had an endless supply of knives, and stinging one-liners. He kept giving out orders that other people already suggested only he said it louder (boss). Of course, that’s why he was running shit. BUT his high nasal voice made it hard to believe he was such a master of asskickery. Also, he just kind of showed up, like no one called for him. He busted on the scene in a Roxbury worthy shiny dress shirt and proceeded to send all the bikers back to hell with three shoes. Three shoes mutha fuckas.

4. It seems when one verbally affirms they “Will their self to the fire” means nothing more than hasty biker sex by campers’ limbs scattered about in addition to the sweet human blood spilled for Master Satan. I’m willing to go to my nearest biker club and will myself to the fire for these dudes, it sounds pretty cool.

Satan owes me child support

5. It seems the Antichrist’s gestational period is about an hour (like Lenscrafters) His mother was willing herself to fire and in no time writhing around on an altar ready to birth the end of humanity.

6. I was quite surprised when the surviving camper’s found refuge within a church. Imagine that. Also, when the bikers set foot upon holy ground, they were rendered mortal, their blood could spill…oh yeah by the way the bikers were also immortal. There also happened to be a priest who was the biker gang leader’s nemesis. What are the odds right?

7. There was a magic amulet that had the ability to electrocute someone straight to Hell, for like five minutes at least. The evil leader came back probably faster than he would have running to Walgreens. Maybe the amulet wasn’t charged long enough? That’s what you get when you buy a cheap ass hell sending amulet instead of the top of the line model. Quality ya’ll.

8. The Devil is the worst baby daddy ever! The camper/ Antichrist mother got no baby shower, no hospital delivery, not even a midwife. Satan must not have insurance, and ruling the fiery pits of eternal damnation doesn’t seem to offer good benefits, probably not even a discount on a Gold’s Gym membership? You would just assume that Satan, wanting the entire race of humans to die, would be more concerned with the birthing of his child? He could have at least picked up some Pampers right? Deadbeat dad. I hope she files for WIC.

What have I learned?

"I hate you dad! I'm NOT you!"

Impregnating a human woman with the Antichrist and killing her friends is an all out chuckle fest if your a member of the Lucifer’s bike gang. These dudes laughed a lot, it was no doubt a good bonding experience for these guys.

In addition to, this is still a better Satanic themed movie than Little Nicky.

Advertisements

35 responses to “Today’s Movie Review: Hard Ride To Hell

  1. Absolutely hilarious review. Killer writing. I’m seriously busting a gut here.
    You have the Gift, Sheena. This material would make a drop dead standup routine. Memorize, rehearse, then lay it on someone. Please.

    Made my day 🙂

    Bravo!

    • Thank you so much, you know that is like a dream I have, I don’t invest a lot into it beside this blog ha ha. If this is well received I am thinking of doing more movie reviews since I watch gems like these all the time.

  2. You need to host a cable Movie Review show.
    Can’t wait to see your takes on Evil Dead and Army of Darkness!

    (Please tell me you’ve seen these!)

  3. I’ll bet you’re a fan of the Hammer horror films, and a Mystery Science Theater junkie 🙂

  4. You should check out “The Lair of the White Worm “. It is hilariously bad and stars Hugh Grant from 24 years ago.

    • Really? I am such a fan, the worse a movie is, the happier I am. I think (like Jim said), Mystery Science Theater was one of my favorite show growing up. I see a promising piece about another killer tooth fairy and a killer gingerbread man (with Gary Busey) in the future too

  5. I’m looking forward to your next review. This was great! Not sure if I’m ready for this movie though. Very entertaining!

  6. WHERE CAN I SEE THIS? I MUST SEE THIS. WAS IT NOMINATED? HOW DID I MISS THIS? what a great sarcastic rant Sheena girrrrl. hey, try “Creation of the Humanoids” so shlocky/bad yet curiously soooo close to great. continue…

  7. LOL Hysterical!!! That was great! But now I’m feeling conflicted because I had it all planned out that I was going to watch “Driving Miss Daisy” again tonight for the third time. But now I think I’d like your movie better! They are very similar movies, but your pick sounds like it’s got more of an edge. 😀

  8. Driving Miss Daisy —
    Hmm… I think I’ll watch Hulu’s reruns of Jerry Van Dyke’s black and white sitcom “My Mother The Car”…

    In this episode, Mother Gets A Lube Job.

  9. Why can’t I ever have exciting camping trips?

  10. Awww no way! No Devil movie beats Little Nicky! Not even Devil’s Advocate!

    • You know, I have never liked Adam Sandler, and I don’t really know why. I can’t explain it 🙂 I did like the The Devil’s Advocate though, Pacino’s devil…nice. I think a charismatic devil is great portrayal.

      • O rly? Not even the early stuff like Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore? I really like that stuff. Great viewing material when you come home with friends after a night out drinking.

      • Not as much, I love me some Will Ferrell though, he’s one of my all time favorite actors, I find him hilarious. He was just on Eastbound and Down (quickly becoming my favorite show) the other night…hearts! Um, it’s been some years since I’ve seen those Sandler movies…I’ll revist them 🙂

      • Hahaha I think we have the exact same views on Will Ferrell and Sandler… except the opposite way around.

  11. Sounds like a great flick to give the ole’ MST3000 treatment. 🙂

  12. AHahhhah Sheena, you’re so cool!! Your review’s hilarious!
    I would never pay to watch such a movie lol No truth is, I couldn’t watch it.
    I’m a baby, when it gets too scary, I scream and cover my eyes so I can’t see anything!

    • Thank you so much, they’re not so much scary if you get one that’s supposed to be a silly horror, but I see what you mean. Some movies have gotten pretty gruesome (SAW comes to mind) and while I’m not squeemish usually there are some that torture me! The death scenes are getting so elaborate. I have the hardest time watching those movies where the killers are in the house! I can’t sleep so well and then ask myself why do I do this to myself!?!?!

  13. Typo Monster loved the plural apostrophe in item 6. Yum.

    In any case, I can see this was Oscar material. Funny that I never heard of it before. How does it stack up against, say, Samson vs the Vampire Women?

    • Touch one, hmmm I’ll have to see this movie in order to give proper report!

      • Ah, something is missing from your film education. Let me give you a little foretaste.
        Samson is a professional wrestler, with the tights, the mask, the whole get-up. He dresses like this all the time, as he goes about his daily business. The police call him in to help them solve crimes.

        I haven’t even touched on the vampire women, but half the budget was probably 29 cents for a rubber bat.

      • I just watched a movie about a killer wrestler in Mexico that murders a whole film crew set to make a porn…it was awesome, this sounds awesome…so many many awesome movies, such a short life!

  14. Because you inspire me I have nominated you or:

    A Very Inspiring Blogger Award

    http://sobnyc.wordpress.com/

    -Peace

    • Thanks! Fair warning I procrastinate and generally suck at responding to these but I will do what I can soon, thanks for reading, I’m flattered you think that much of little blog to put in your top 7! so awesome!

  15. Funny stuff. really funny.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s