I saw undeniably the most incredible movie of my deprived life last night. What could possibly be more memorable in my life? The lack of vacancy for MC Hammer style hip hop dance classes at Miss Amy’s School of Art? I never learned how to break it down, never. What time is Hammer Time? When ?! I want to be too legit to quit! For serious, that was a class at this little school, I didn’t get signed up in time, mom put me in art…divine intervention is what I think happened, I was a dumb ass eight year old is what I know happened.
Okay, so the movie; Hard Ride To Hell. It was…fearless, elevated, it fucked the world. I have provided the movie information via Rotten Tomatoes below:
A group of terrified campers attempt to outrun a gang of devil-worshipping bikers in this high-octane horror flick starring Miguel Ferrer and Katherine Isabelle (Ginger Snaps). They were just looking for a place to pop a tent; now they’re running for their lives. Texas can be a truly unforgiving place, especially if you’ve just stumbled into a blood sacrifice. Now, in order to escape their diabolical pursuers, the desperate vacationers flee to a remote ghost town and seek sanctuary in a derelict church. A chance encounter with a mysterious young boy and a malevolent priest, however, leads to a terrifying battle between good and evil that no mortal could ever survive. ~ Jason Buchanan, Rovi
What else made this movie so awesome provided in list form
1. The bad guys are a Satan worshiping motorcycle gang, the members are so evil they observe no rules. They didn’t properly extinguish their camp fire, littered everywhere, disobeyed all traffic rules even driving over double-sided yellow lines while drinking beer, and of course murder and general mayhem (they even took a massive messy duke in the campers’ RV). I mean they’re like, “I worship the fucking devil, you think I’m going to wait HERE to be served?” or “Hey bro, my dark lord and master Satan wants me to take more than one sample of summer sausage, I don’t listen to what Sam’s Club says!”
2. The cast of evil bikers? They growled mostly to indicate they had their own primal yet effective form of communicating. I also saw enough tribal tattoos to fill the wet dreams of an undercover homosexual bodybuilder for years. Yes, tribal, I thought that was less biker and more douche bag right?
3. There was a bad ass hero, he had an endless supply of knives, and stinging one-liners. He kept giving out orders that other people already suggested only he said it louder (boss). Of course, that’s why he was running shit. BUT his high nasal voice made it hard to believe he was such a master of asskickery. Also, he just kind of showed up, like no one called for him. He busted on the scene in a Roxbury worthy shiny dress shirt and proceeded to send all the bikers back to hell with three shoes. Three shoes mutha fuckas.
4. It seems when one verbally affirms they “Will their self to the fire” means nothing more than hasty biker sex by campers’ limbs scattered about in addition to the sweet human blood spilled for Master Satan. I’m willing to go to my nearest biker club and will myself to the fire for these dudes, it sounds pretty cool.
5. It seems the Antichrist’s gestational period is about an hour (like Lenscrafters) His mother was willing herself to fire and in no time writhing around on an altar ready to birth the end of humanity.
6. I was quite surprised when the surviving camper’s found refuge within a church. Imagine that. Also, when the bikers set foot upon holy ground, they were rendered mortal, their blood could spill…oh yeah by the way the bikers were also immortal. There also happened to be a priest who was the biker gang leader’s nemesis. What are the odds right?
7. There was a magic amulet that had the ability to electrocute someone straight to Hell, for like five minutes at least. The evil leader came back probably faster than he would have running to Walgreens. Maybe the amulet wasn’t charged long enough? That’s what you get when you buy a cheap ass hell sending amulet instead of the top of the line model. Quality ya’ll.
8. The Devil is the worst baby daddy ever! The camper/ Antichrist mother got no baby shower, no hospital delivery, not even a midwife. Satan must not have insurance, and ruling the fiery pits of eternal damnation doesn’t seem to offer good benefits, probably not even a discount on a Gold’s Gym membership? You would just assume that Satan, wanting the entire race of humans to die, would be more concerned with the birthing of his child? He could have at least picked up some Pampers right? Deadbeat dad. I hope she files for WIC.
What have I learned?
Impregnating a human woman with the Antichrist and killing her friends is an all out chuckle fest if your a member of the Lucifer’s bike gang. These dudes laughed a lot, it was no doubt a good bonding experience for these guys.
In addition to, this is still a better Satanic themed movie than Little Nicky.