Coffee Talk

My longstanding love affair with coffee began as a young adult. I started drinking it to suffer through mandatory overtime at my first “adult” job I had. No, I don’t mean pornography, I mean the first job I worked upon turning eighteen and graduating high school.

Years later, part-time school, full-time work, and a baby has left me more or less addicted to caffeine. I’m cool with it, I don’t get near the amount of sleep I should even to this day, with slightly less on my plate. FYI: You can leave your kid at McDonald’s Playplace ball pit and walk away no one even notices! I am kidding, obviously, and McD’s has some bangin’ coffee.

Yes, this is appropriate. Duh.

I love local coffee houses, their specialty drinks are truly divine. It’s brewed with all the care a hipster can muster while trying too hard not to look pretentious and not caring about looking pretentious. The atmosphere is still cool though, even if the guy next to you is discussing post apocalyptic survival on bean sprouts and all the physics a cartoon parodying Stephen Hawkins taught him. I mean Jebus, save me, that is some of the shit I overhear for serious. How can I not when Mr. Open-toe Sandals is chatting away. I want to be like, “Dude, you brought your fucking Mac Book, why don’t you occupy your face with that?” I digress, because Mexican hot chocolate is worth that and much, much worse.

Also, this is the only location you may find more profound things than dirty limericks scrawled on the bathroom stalls. I mean of course Deepak Chopra belongs here, everyone knows how smart you are because you proved it by writing it on a bathroom stall…wait. While I’m at it, should I mention to the loner with the headphones, go fight the savage loneliness at a smaller table please, my friends and I need somewhere to sit whilst we socialize.I mean,  I know you have only been sitting there for seven hours but it would be courteous no?

I’m not a fan of the big corporate coffee shops, surrounded in scandal, such as Starbucks. I’ll still spend the gift card I received in there, caffeine is caffeine is caffeine and I would intravenously inject it if I didn’t think it would kill me. It seems Starbucks can be…..


Hates dwarfism 

Put bugs in your milkshake

I haven’t had the best experiences there myself. This includes miserable cashiers and the fact that the Starbucks in Barnes and Noble Bookstore will not accept, get this, Starbucks gift cards. Yeah you read correctly, they don’t. They can also suck a bag of dicks.

On the contrary, Starbucks will always receive a begrudging respect from me. Why? After I just bashed the chain? Well, because of this:

Woman Finds Profanity on Starbucks Cup

"I need you inside me" is generally what I say to my first cup.

It’s hard to say whose side I’m on. Hear me out. I’ve done customer service, and it’s horrendous. People can be incredibly rude. The anti-social part of me cheered upon reading this (I imagined doing similar everyday). The more mature adult sees this as inappropriate. Whoever did it, they have some serious balls, that lady in the video was built like Larry the Cable Guy.  This could have gone horribly. I wish that bitch would give me her free vouchers, I’ll be a bitch, a bitch with free coffee (I win).

I suppose my goal here is to antagonize my local Starbucks employees into calling me names so I can get free coffee. you know when I don’t have the money for “cool” coffee. Not iced ya’ll fucking cool, like not lame. I have no scruples I’ll drink coffee if it comes from Peruvian child labor and employees that do not wash their hands. I really, really love coffee.


54 responses to “Coffee Talk

  1. gingerjudgesyou

    I heart coffee shops too! I also heart Louis C.K…they totally can suck a bag of dicks!

  2. I too prefer a coffee shop to a chain, such as Starbucks. I find that most people in a coffee shop is more friendly than those working in Starbucks…who, as you stated, in my opinion too can suck a bag of dicks.

    • I can imagine it’s not the most fun filled place to work, but most of the time I don’t deal with decent employees. There is one Starbucks near my house however, the guys there are alright, so it’s the only Starbucks I find tolerable. They dont mess up orders and they’re polite.

  3. I have a coffee shop right underneath my apartment. Just as good as Starbucks minus the typical crowd and cheaper. I win.

    • totally you do :). My favorite is a drive thru coffee place in my town, it’s cheap, and it’s locally owned. You can only sit outside though, a real bummer in the winter.

  4. I just want the caffeine. I don;t care if it’s from Hoity Toity’s or Dunkin donuts. Just feed the monkey, baby.

  5. “Why don’t you occupy your face with that?” is killer. Love coffee, love this post.

  6. Ahhh, coffee, elixir of the gods! I went through high school clear through my last dealership job (about 18 years…) living on the redneck food groups: Nicotine, Caffeine, Sugar and Grease, remembering always that alcohol is technically a sugar. I’m a purist when it comes to my coffee though. I like it plain and I like it very strong. Forget about all the flavors and creams and fru-fru. Give me a double shot of espresso (all by itself) and nobody gets hurt. Diet Rockstar sort of has the same effect as far as the caffeine goes but none of that rich-gotta-cut-it-with-a-knife taste.

    • Yeah caffeine in any other form is a no go for me. I need it coffee form. I love cream and sugar, but not a lot. I need that bitter goodness to take me into ecstasy.

  7. I absolutely prefer locally owned coffee shops to Starbs (yeah, I just abbreve’d that), but I usually find myself in the drive through of Dunkin’ Donuts. :-/

    • I would choose Dunkin’ as my favorite chain coffee. It’s really good and they have perfected the amount of cream and sugar, it’s like they read my mind.

  8. p.s. you just made me incredibly thirsty for coffee. brb.

  9. springfieldfem

    I was a barista for a while and I loved it and I loved some of my customers (at least, the regulars who tipped really well and were super nice). The others? Not so much. Customers are not always right and sometimes forget to remember that the kid behind the cash register is a person, too and you should bloody well be nice to them or you’re getting served a Sneezer.

    I adore coffee. It’s my first, my last, my everything.

    • See, something told me the lady was so rude. I see it all the time, and coffee shops like Starbucks seem to bring in some rude rude ppl. Who love to complain about the price. Um, duh, it’s better than home brewed so it costs more! There are some baristas I adore, some that make me not even like going to that location. I’m nice, and I tip. I do it b/c I spend a long time there and frequent so hey, it’s the right thing to do. 🙂

  10. Yeah, our coffee machine broke a while ago, and instead of spending the 20 bucks to get a new one, I’ve been buying the flavored coffee in a can. 😉 I feel your pain, as I also have a one and a half year old, and always have had trouble sleeping anyway, between my unruly and holey bladder and my racing, anxious mind… So yeah, even if that’s the only caffeine I get all day, that morning cup of coffee does something for my state of mind (of course, I suppose a dose of Ativan might accomplish the same thing.LOL)

    • wow, you said it all right there. I simply need that warm cup when I wake, everything in life is okay when I get to savor that first cup ahhhhhh yes!

  11. I like my coffee like I like my women…whatever my wife wants.

  12. The only real beef I have with Starbucks is the bill-splitting wallet rape that occurs… but then I whisper, “shut up, you know you like it” to my little money holder, and it takes it like a champ.
    I kinda feel for those baristas… I’ve witnessed some horrible people make horrible demands,in coffee shops, and they somehow resist assaulting them with scalding hot coffee. That takes some respect-worthy control….

    • I know, that’s why whoever wrote “bitch” was no doubt, awesome. I would like to think I wouldn’t now…but yeah ppl are jerks. The money is painful for me as well but hey, I’ll pay a nice price to support my vices.

  13. No one…and I really mean no one at all gets ANYTHING before I get my morning coffee. The kids know better than to even talk to me before I have an injection of my beloved caffeine.

    • Yes I hear you, it’s so needed. Hell, it’s ritual. Coffee, look out the window, find my inner sanity and patience for the day…it’s done…probably one more cup….and then I’m ready for the day. I know I can’t give up my java, this has been my waking mornings for years and years now.

  14. last line. me too.

  15. The funny thing is the Starbucks employees here in Turkey are all so courteous, If you don’t like anything, any small thing, say “my coffee tastes weird today” “it isn’t warm enough” or just “i don’t like it”. they will replace it free of charge. no questions asked. They know what they are doing and if you are a regular, they will start making your coffee as soon as you walk in the door.
    In the US, you are right! I am talking about NYC here, where I used to live. You don’t even want to go back!

    • That’s awesome though, I’ll bet that is a great atmosphere to be in as opposed to NYC. I more apt to return if the service is good. I bitch about the Starbucks in my local book store…but they really are horrible and rude. I’ve seen the manager talk to them though, no wonder.

  16. “Suck a bag of dicks”
    Hahahaha this blog is so lady-like! I love it!

    • Lady-like is the central theme here. I found those statements have a huge impact coming from an unassuming girl like myself. Everyone thinks I might be a real sweetheart until I speak…shock value, I can’t say I don’t love it sometimes.

  17. While I would always prefer to give my scratch to a local business, we need to credit Stabucks with one thing: McD’s and other chains had unbelievably bad coffee 20 years ago. Only a world-circling octopus like Starbucks could show the big boys the worth of halfway decent coffee.

    Cant let this go without a little tip o’ the hat to a classic internte personality:

    • “internet personality”, that is. Typo Monster makes his own sometimes.

      • Great video and yeah come to think of it, everyone did step up their coffee game. McD’s for sure and now they have the cafe drinks, not bad, I don’t drink b/c of the sugar so when I treat myself I go big, I go fancy b/c we’re talking a quarterly treat here. It’s a lot of sugar ya’ll…I looked up the nutrition charts and felt I was well on my way to Paula Dean if I didn’t chill out. Believe, when I get one…I savor every drop though…cafe mocha being my favorite

  18. Hipsters… Uggggggghhhhhhhh…

    How can it be that one super clicky group of people can have girls who are so sexy and guys who are soo…. Whiney, wannabe-pretentious, annoying losers…? (referring to the two guys in the picture who are most likely talking about bands to each other hoping that the other guys hasn’t heard of the obscure artist being mentioned. “Have you heard of Earth Wyatt and the Seven Charlemagne’s? They have some really creative music, but I don’t think most people get it. They’re way ahead of their time…”

  19. And finally in other news I like both the big corporate monster coffeeshops AND the indy coffeeshops.

    Here’s an interesting story here in Chicago.

    There’s a coffee shop, Intelligencia, who started out Indy and held on to their indy roots after opening a few locations in the city. Their Original claim to fame was that they made Each Cup of coffee individually. They had Clover Machines that would do that.

    What did Starbucks fo… Well Starbucks eventually got smart enough to come along and purchase the company that produced the Clover Machines. So guess what?

    Ya, you guessed it. Intelligencia suddenly lost interest in using the Clover Method (repairs were rumored to be frequent and starbucks probably wasn’t making it easy for Intelligencia to get them repaired. OR who knows, maybe worse.) and changed to a pour over method.

    Needless to say, people STILL go to Intelligencia to wait 10 or 15 minutes for their coffee (if it’s busy) so they adapted and did it well. And I’m guessing that the pour over ceramic thingies are MUCH cheaper to operate than the Clovers.

    And yet, Starbucks only has 1 actual location in the entire city of Chicago that has a clover machine in it.

    However what Starbucks also has is probably the ONLY 2 24 hour coffeeshops in the city where as no one else does. (and that decaf coffee from the now Starbucks Clover machine is delicious.)

    There is even a rumor that one of the Starbucks may have alcohol sales added to the roster.

    • Did you read the book the owner of Starbucks wrote? Just curious, I know he wrote one. Ha you have a point Starbucks knows how to market they really, really do. It’s opposite in TN most Starbucks close and most coffee shops owned independently are open 24 hrs. I take you don’t just love the hipster crowd ha ha 🙂 I think I missed the mark ya know they’re all about 4 or 5 years younger than me so I think that’s why I don’t get it…eh who knows. I like them though, at least you know there’s not drama, they’re typically not rude, and I do like a lot of their music. I like the shows no offensive things being said to me, everyone’s too busy being cooler than I am 🙂

  20. My old lady got me a Keurig coffee maker, so I drink a lot more coffee, but I go out for it less. . . which is a shame, now that I think about it; I learned Chinese in a coffee shop.

  21. Does anyone really believe the people with laptops are actually writing novels? Come on! Just open up that Facebook window.

  22. I love coffee too. And you’re right McD has great coffee! Good alternative for sbucks. Pleasantly surprised that you have a baby already! keep writing! 😀

    • He’s not so much a baby these days he’s getting ready to start school. Buuuuut his baby stages of crying every two hours and me going back to full time work sure made my coffee appreciation a full on addiction

  23. While I agree you’ve hit the coffee shop culture (and the shenanigans therein) right on the head, I have to say I do kind of love Starbucks. My first encounter with them was when I lived in Japan. Hey, I’m South African, we don’t have it there! Plus anyone who’s been to Japan will tell you the Japanese bend over backwards to accommodate their customers. While I find their coffee (to quote my Aussie boyfriend) “pretty fuckin’ average”, I would commit all kinds of human rights’ violations to get my hands on a venti chai latte (winter) or matcha frappacino, minus cream (summer).

    Just my 2c.

    • I think it’s related to location there are some Starbucks I go to no prob, and then some…well, I go to the gas station next store first. I mostly hate the one in my local book store. Every employee there is an asshole.

  24. I know why the guy in the picture isn’t wearing any shoes. They don’t make them that big.

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