Maturity Isn’t Fun, Especially When You Realize You’re a Jerk

I have admitted before that as a teenager I was an asshole. It’s not like I completely grew out of it either. In fact, it’s not so much conviction that prevents me from harassment, embezzlement, blackmail and maybe arson…but rather a fear of prison. I don’t like the thought of not being able to pluck my eyebrows, which left unattended will consume my face in a caveman like manner. No, I’m far to vain for this.

Well, ten years removed, I thought I might admit to everybody and nobody in particular that, yes, that was me…sorry.

Firstly, on the summer between junior and senior year I managed to get myself grounded for almost the whole summer vacation. That’s another story. My friend Andrew and I did not stop our prank phones calls though. We discovered that if we each did a three-way phone call and then clicked over, muted our own line, then the other two parties would unwittingly talk to each other. So we would call random people from the phone book at the same time and let the mayhem begin. These people were perplexed as to why someone they did not know called them and furthermore why they insisted they did not. Sometimes the call would end amicably and sometimes, when we were lucky, the people would argue, even curse at each other. It was awesome. So, if you got a weird ass phone call ten years ago from someone asking you why you called them when it seemed they called you….sorry, that was me.

Secondly, we also made a profile on a dating phone line. I think it was called Connects. Our profile was a young woman, seeking a swinging couple, that enjoyed role play and the wild side. It just so happened that I was mad at my ex boyfriend at the time so I used his phone number as a contact. Well, I decided it would be great fun to wait until two in the morning and invite strangers to call me. Not only to call but to immediately say the dirtiest thing that came to mind. So this guy got a flood of tacky phone calls all hours of the night. It was bad enough he in so many words made a truce and asked me to stop whatever I was doing. I never really told him how he got calls from guys describing just how they would like him to poop on their chest. I did stop. I feel sorry for any incidental phone calls his parents received. Yeah, that was me too…sorry again.

Same guy, I spied his locker did not have a lock on it. I dumped an entire container of glitter in it. He walked around with glitter on everything and in all his books. It was sparktaculous. Sorry dude, you probably know I did that.

At my apartment complex, there was a flyer placed on all resident’s doors about “human waste repeatedly found in the apartment pool” that’s so shitty ya’ll. Well, my friends and I made our own flyer using the words, poop, poo, boo boo, and shit. We made a picture on paint of a guy swimming in a pool and a turd floating in it. We made copies that we placed on the doors around the complex. That was my doing, I’m not sorry, that was fucking funny.

There was a teacher who was really, really old. She was dubbed “Goody Blackburn” after having to read about the Salem Witch Trails. For whatever reason all the women had the prefix goody. Those puritans were weird. Well she left her classroom open, and it just so happens she had a chalkboard full of dick drawings the next day…I didn’t even have her as a teacher. I did have some part in this too. Sorry lady, it was so inappropriate.

These are the first few violations that come to mind, and now I feel I should apologize. Perhaps, I have reached maturity. I wouldn’t do any of these things now. Well, most of them.

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34 responses to “Maturity Isn’t Fun, Especially When You Realize You’re a Jerk

  1. Ah, you’re past immaturity is my entertaining read. Thanks for the laughs.

  2. Is it bad that these are things I wish I would have done as a youth? Ok. . . as an adult?

  3. Cracked me up! Although u do seem like u were pretty mean in ur heyday… 😛

  4. I particularly like the three way calling thing. It kinda makes me feel bad that I am an adult with children and have to be a “good” example. HA! 😉

  5. Awesome! Oh, the mayhem we can cause (especially with our male counterparts!) I distinctly remember me and my friend Dan pouring red candle wax in my hand and then sticking a nail in my palm (and we were, like, teenagers at the time) and then showing my mom and her completely KIRKING out! We laughed out asses off!
    It’s kinda funny also, because yesterday some idiot calls me on my phone and then asks who he is talking to; I don’t just give my name out to random weirdos who dial my number, so I say “YOU called ME,” and this douchbag actually has the nerve to say, “well I just want to know who I’m talking to. I might have dialed the wrong number. You don’t have to be rude!”
    I hung up on him. Asshole. Wait…
    was that you? 😉

  6. Prank calling was always a go to. We particularly like to toilet paper people’s houses as well. Funny stuff.

  7. I swear we must be related or something. Did ya know dog shit, when dried, then soaked in kerosene, placed in a foil pan and lit puts off a stench that will wake the dead, and it lingers on for days? Not that I know from personal experience or anything, but that dickwad who thought putting a used rubber in my book bag was such a hoot discovered that leaving his car unlocked was a BAD idea. Oh, the shit you could get away with back in the 80’s!

    • I love you for this!

      • It makes me envy my Dad though. He’s old enough (and from the same backwater town where I grew up) to have gotten to tip outhouses. Just tie a rope around ye olde shitter, and the other end of the rope to the bumper of the old ’46 Plymouth and let it rip. This is preferably attempted when your target is in there “perusing” the Sears & Roebuck catalog. Now that’s true old school.

        But, alas, indoor plumbing finally came to even the trailer trash section of town somewhere around the mid-1960’s, so even at my advanced age, I missed outhouse tipping. 😦 Tipping an occupied Porto-John- while still humorous and festive, with that bright green turd water and all, is just not the same.

      • I rue the day I was born the latter half of the century now…boo

  8. Just read this again, and it’s still funny! :O
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  9. I I thought the phone calls was clever…. guess being grounded just brought out the inventator in you. Sorry isn’t going to save you; you’re going straight to hell. HAHAHAHA Good blog!!!!

  10. Sometimes it feels good to be nasty….

  11. ha ha ha…. you always crack me up!! very entertaining read 🙂

  12. Glad I’m not the only one who laughs while apologizing for their misspent youth!

  13. Well, I’m laughing and saying never cross this lady.

  14. Why you’ve had quite an illustrious career, haven’t you? Wicked, but in very amusing and diabolically clever ways. And makes for great blogging material too! Lol

  15. When I was a teenager, we wouldn’t make prank calls, but every random phone that rang in our presence we’d dive for and then answer it as Debbie’s Whore House or Dildo’s Express and listen to people stutter…

  16. OMG, I must have been such a boring child. I was the epitome of the good girl. I never got in trouble. I was always thinking about why stuff was not a good idea to do. I always worried about hurting people’s feelings. Gah. I’m envious of your pranking ways. I would have dropped dead from fear had I even considered doing those kinds of things as a kid.

    • Ha ha! Perhaps we should feel sorry for my mom, she always had to answer for my stupidity, some of this she didn’t know until I posted it though

  17. Glitter in the locker. Ingenious! I pray it was pink.
    Somehow I really doubt you’ve matured all that much 😉

  18. wow Sheena, your blog is a breath of fresh air and very humorous. Thanks for writing outside the box. Bonju

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