Irrational Fears Explained Rationally

There is a reason that the battle angels will ride death horses into the apocalypse; they are scary  animals. They’re big, strong, and become enraged when they sense fear. You laugh, and you say, “Oh but what about Mr. Ed?” and to that I say….”Shut your face.”

I have some pictures of horses that scare the fuck out of me:

I’m sure you question why I have a fear of horses. Well, it’s simple I’ve had horse-related trauma throughout my life. I’ve learned the horse is to be respected, feared, stayed the fuck away from.

Traumatic incident #1: I was staying at a friend’s house who had horses. I was standing in the stable in front of a huge beast horse and she was talking to me. The horse leaned over and tried to eat her hair. She screamed the most terror filled scream I recall hearing from a six-year-old. Her uncle came to her rescue pulling hair from the horse’s mouth. I stood incapable of any gross muscle movements, only tears. Which came easily. I think she quit believing in God that day. We also got yelled out because apparently we weren’t supposed to be in the stable. To which she responded it was my bright idea. You know, so she would be in less trouble (child logic) which was pretty shitty. I didn’t know she had those bastard creatures there and I in no way would suggest going near them on my own. They’re big, the snort really loud, they eat apples in one bite. Seriously I watched this thing eat an apple like it was a piece of popcorn. I don’t doubt the horse’s ability to crush bone too.

Traumatic Incident #2: Fast forward to nineteen years old. I went on a date. Now to this boyfriend’s credit it was a nice idea, and rather sweet. I did however tell him horses scare me. He didn’t believe me. He begged, he insisted I would absolutely love riding the very animal I have carried a strong phobia against. Well, I get on my horse. My heart is racing, pounding so hard I feel like Micheal Moore doing Zumba. Then of course MY horse decides it would go bat shit crazy. It takes off full speed down the trail. I can only imagine Christopher Reeve and not in a funny way, I was really scared. The instructor screams at me to squeeze it’s belly with my legs. I do, with every amount of strength I could muster. It rears back a little but stops. I did not care about my being an adult. I cried. I cried like “Leave Britney alone!!!” crying. I am not ashamed either. Now, to my credit I was a good sport. I was placed on another horse and braved the trail when I found out my boyfriend had already paid a non refundable horseback riding date…oh, and he begged me to. I nonetheless was pretty grateful when the ride was over. I don’t want to ride another horse ever again. Even though I rode the horse, I was petrified the whole time. Also, the instructor told stories about being thrown off. I made many silent prayers and promises to heaven that I would stop being such an asshole if I could keep my wretched life one more day.

In conclusion, horses are beautiful and dangerous…like fire. I hate horses they make me cry.

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53 responses to “Irrational Fears Explained Rationally

  1. I am a horse person, and even for a very short time had a horse of my own. They definitely are to be respected. And it fuckin’ hurts like all hell if your foot gets stepped on by one, especially the top part of the foot (meta-tarsels.) I had one or two traumatic dog incidences when I was younger and one cat one too come to think of it… but I don’t let it scare me off of a particular animal or animals in general. I just try to be aware, cautious, and respectful of them at all times. (My step-mom got bit on the boob by a horse once!)

  2. princessvonvoodoo

    This is really funny! I have a fear of clowns and sharks and have written about both , also.

  3. I love it when you’re confronting a shitty-ass fear, then the powers that be are all, “HAHA, let’s fuck with her” and they make the whole situation HORRIBLE. Like the time my claustrophobic ass decides to confront my carnival ride fear, then gets trapped in a harness. Seriously, the gods are freaking assholes sometimes.
    Oh, in case you’ve never read this, this has to be one of the best posts I’ve read regarding horses: http://theoatmeal.com/story/eat_horses
    it’s a little long BUT WORTH IT

  4. I won’t ride a horse, but I thought the movie warhorse was a excellent film. LOL.

  5. Historically, horses have been used in warfare since very early in our history. A horse weighs a lot, and can hurt you if it wants to. I love horses…

  6. I was about 6 years old when we were visiting some friends who had horses. Since we lived in town and not on a farm, I was clueless as to proper equine etiquette. I didn’t know that you never walk behind a horse. The horse, not being able to see someone behind her, stepped back- directly on my foot.

    For a split second I thought (thanks to all the hellfire and brimstone rhetoric I’d been taught both at church and at home) that Satan had reached through the dirt floor of that horse barn, grabbed my foot, and was pulling me down straight to hell. I even remembered trying to think of whatever sins I’d forgotten about and/or didn’t bother to confess.

    Then I realized that the horse had stepped back and was standing on my foot. She stepped forward again when she realized she was standing on something, and I retrieved my foot from the muck. All five toenails on that foot turned black and fell off, but otherwise I was none the worse for wear. In middle school and high school I made my peace with horses- they are every bit as intelligent as dogs, and just as much to be respected and treated carefully. My sister and I used to like to go to the riding stables. Most horses are gentle creatures (as are dogs) but there are ground rules for being around them- like not walking behind them and staying in their line of sight. 🙂

    • Okay I just saw this about walking behind them. That’s what was drilled into my head as a kid. I’ve always been taught to carefully approach all animals. I usually don’t pet any animal unless the owner is near and has given me the rundown on it’s temperament. Otherwise, I’ll admire. Animals can be so brutal. eeek

  7. Horses are great, but all things considered, I’d rather ride around on a dire wolf.

  8. You just have to know how to handle em. Show em you have opposable thumbs and a glue bottle. They’ll get the picture.

  9. Hilarious!! The line about your friend no longer believing in God was great.

  10. They seem so innocent. But we all know that they can’t hide their true, dark intentions behind those glassy eyes of theirs. Haha, but horses seem to like me though :O

  11. They scare me too…they have no reason NOT to buck us off and stomp on our heads.

    • Exactly, and I think it’s a strong reflex they have right? Like they can’t really help it. I was always told NEVER get behind a cow or horse.

  12. I am not kidding, this video makes me want to stay away from cows for THE REST OF MY LIFE:

    There is nothing irrational about being afraid of an animal that could kill you.

  13. I think horses are very pretty, but I remember going to some country club with my friend and I went to feed the horse an apple. They yelled at me to hold my hand flat because the horse could accidentally bite off my fingers. WTF?

    • Yep they really will and they have a strong bite. I startle every time they snort. It’s best I stay away, they probably sense how nervous I am.

  14. historically, the horse, not the dog, is man’s best friend…ok – not yours Sheena. 🙂 continue…

    • No I’m sure ppl who follow my blog think I am the most animal hating person of all…hmmmm. I can’t help that I am sooooo deathly afraid of so many of them. I blame you tube, and Fox’s When Animals Attack.

  15. I love this post Sheena! I too am deathly afraid of horses. I have always believed that they were the Devil’s pet. I was left in a stable by myself once and I swear all the horses stuck their heads out of their stalls at the same time and stared at me. They scare me more than Zombie Clowns!

  16. Those second two pics from the bottom are REALLY scary! 2nd pic frm bottom looks like Mr. Ed, and looks like he’s trying to eat that little girl’s face! Last pic is clearly a horse dangerously high on meth! And if that doesn’t scare ya, you’ve got bad survival instincts!

    Funny you should do a post on horses – my first summer job was working on a horse farm at age 13 – during which time I was bitten, had one nearly crush my foot by standing on it and then refusing to move, and finally having to leap thru a fence to save my skin when a big and very evil tempered Arabian charged me with intent to end my life under her kicking and trampling hooves.
    But other than that, it was a fun summer! Lol

    • Yeah it’s not their fault they’re just animals. Animals that have no idea how powerful they are. Therefore they are docile and gentle yet fierce and deadly. That sounds like a scary summer job for sure!

      • Cleaning up the massive piles of manure was really rewarding too. It felt like shoveling shit against the tide, because I was literally using a shovel, but no ocean in sight, and the only tide involved, was the double cup of Tide needed to get my clothes clean.

  17. NormalDeviations

    You can get horse meat sushi (basashi) in Japan. How’s that for payback? =)

    • I wonder what a horse tastes like? I’ll bet tough. That is ultimate payback! I’m torn they’re so pretty, I love them, I just won’t go near one!

  18. Never go camping on Assateague island….

  19. I’ve wanted to punch a horse out ever since I saw Blazing Saddles. I had the chance to do it to a moose once, but I chickened out. Probably a good thing, too. That’s a man vs. nature moment that I don’t think I’d survive.

    • I would be far too scared to punch a horse, what if it wants to fight back, YOU CANNOT fight a freaking horse have you seen their jaw alone? It’s more muscular than any part of my body. Oh they are so scary.

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