There is a reason that the battle angels will ride death horses into the apocalypse; they are scary animals. They’re big, strong, and become enraged when they sense fear. You laugh, and you say, “Oh but what about Mr. Ed?” and to that I say….”Shut your face.”
I have some pictures of horses that scare the fuck out of me:
I’m sure you question why I have a fear of horses. Well, it’s simple I’ve had horse-related trauma throughout my life. I’ve learned the horse is to be respected, feared, stayed the fuck away from.
Traumatic incident #1: I was staying at a friend’s house who had horses. I was standing in the stable in front of a huge beast horse and she was talking to me. The horse leaned over and tried to eat her hair. She screamed the most terror filled scream I recall hearing from a six-year-old. Her uncle came to her rescue pulling hair from the horse’s mouth. I stood incapable of any gross muscle movements, only tears. Which came easily. I think she quit believing in God that day. We also got yelled out because apparently we weren’t supposed to be in the stable. To which she responded it was my bright idea. You know, so she would be in less trouble (child logic) which was pretty shitty. I didn’t know she had those bastard creatures there and I in no way would suggest going near them on my own. They’re big, the snort really loud, they eat apples in one bite. Seriously I watched this thing eat an apple like it was a piece of popcorn. I don’t doubt the horse’s ability to crush bone too.
Traumatic Incident #2: Fast forward to nineteen years old. I went on a date. Now to this boyfriend’s credit it was a nice idea, and rather sweet. I did however tell him horses scare me. He didn’t believe me. He begged, he insisted I would absolutely love riding the very animal I have carried a strong phobia against. Well, I get on my horse. My heart is racing, pounding so hard I feel like Micheal Moore doing Zumba. Then of course MY horse decides it would go bat shit crazy. It takes off full speed down the trail. I can only imagine Christopher Reeve and not in a funny way, I was really scared. The instructor screams at me to squeeze it’s belly with my legs. I do, with every amount of strength I could muster. It rears back a little but stops. I did not care about my being an adult. I cried. I cried like “Leave Britney alone!!!” crying. I am not ashamed either. Now, to my credit I was a good sport. I was placed on another horse and braved the trail when I found out my boyfriend had already paid a non refundable horseback riding date…oh, and he begged me to. I nonetheless was pretty grateful when the ride was over. I don’t want to ride another horse ever again. Even though I rode the horse, I was petrified the whole time. Also, the instructor told stories about being thrown off. I made many silent prayers and promises to heaven that I would stop being such an asshole if I could keep my wretched life one more day.
In conclusion, horses are beautiful and dangerous…like fire. I hate horses they make me cry.