That Boy Ain’t Right

Why are the kids calling me a butt pirate?

As a kid, my brother was constantly trying new things. It seemed like he had a new interest or hobby every week. I blame my parents for buying him such diverse Christmas gifts. So he would be a power ranger one week and a Satanist the next week.

My mom took us to the public library quite often, this is where he found a book for children on how to speak French. I recall seeing the book, listening to him practice for all of five minutes. Then, like a typical moody teenager, retreating to my room to listen to Smashing Pumpkins and be melon collie with infinite sadness. Seriously, I’ll bet family members felt like they were the billy goats approaching the troll under the bridge rather than another loved one. I digress, that’s another topic. I will say girls, specifically teenage girls, are monsters and I have apologized to my parents, as all of us should upon adulthood realization.

My father came to pick my brother and I up to go to his house for the weekend. I get in the car with of course my headphones because I shall not be disturbed. My brother was still in the house. After a fairly long time, my dad asks me, “Where in tha hell is that boy?” I shrug. Suddenly the backdoor swings open and my brother is wearing knee socks and the shortest shorts he owns. He has made a feeble attempt to look like a French school boy.

My father, I swear, Mike Judge has met him when he created his “Hank Hill” character. Upon seeing my brother my dad’s jaw drops and I hear a gasp of disgust, shock, utter dismay. My brother stops at the steps and raises an arm in the air “Bonjour papa!” and he does a little twinkle action with his fingers. He skipped down the stairs, merrily ya’ll, very merrily.

“What…in…the….hell….*gah*…that boy ain’t right” was all my father could muster. This is a man who is opinionated and is usually not at a loss for words. My brother left him flabbergasted. I of course laughed, laughed until my innards felt they would rupture and I would have laughed as I died of sepsis. I had no idea my brother was going to become a french school boy overnight.

My dad then collected himself and asked if we wanted to get a bite to eat. My brother suggested crepes. My father responded with a swift “No”. He took us to Wang’s China (yes, really it’s called that HA!) and asked that my brother pull his socks down so as not to embarrass him. My brother tried to explain he was learning French to which my dad said, “Shit hell what for son? You don’t need to learn French (oh the face when he said French) or at least don’t wear them socks!” I think my brother was signed up for baseball the next week.

I must admit my brother did look pretty funny. I think my dad’s point of view was a male perspective: he would have beat up a kid like that on the playground. Good looking out dad, you sure have a special way with words!


42 responses to “That Boy Ain’t Right

  1. I love Hank Hill. My Dad was sort of like that too- but given where I come from that meant he was cultured. 🙂 I was the youngest of three sisters (bet you wonder why most of my friends are guys and I work in automotive, which is also male dominated) so I didn’t have the privilege of a little brother to pound on.

    My sadistic older sister did however have time to help her friend across the street torment her younger brother by dressing him up like a girl, giving him makeovers and forcing him to put on high heels and “walk the catwalk.” That poor guy is now a flaming drag queen (true story) and I blame my sister. “Born that way” my butt. 🙂 I hope your brother is no longer enamored of short pants, polo socks and other things French!

  2. I apologized to mine, too.

    This is hilarious. I could picture it all happening and I laughed merrily ya’ll, very merrily.

  3. “Bonjour, Papa!” freaking hilarious.

  4. OMG, being around your father and brother must have been a laugh riot! Your description of yourself, however, sounds exactly like my two girls when they were teenagers! 😆

    • I was no fun, oh my goodness I was such a moody little girl! I’m glad I snapped out of it. My dad is so funny and my brother is so much like him. I love them

  5. That is outrageously funny…Bonjour Papa. I can’t stop laughing. Also you are right on about the teenage girls…I have two right now and I wanna, I don’t know what I wanna do…either bitch slap them or take them shopping.
    Great story!

  6. I took French for like 5 years in school…and even I have to admit…it sounds positively “hoity-toity” and ridiculous when spoken fluently.

  7. Pingback: A Public Apology to My Mom, and Mrs. Sparkly’s Ten Commandments Award « Vicky…the Northern Chicky

  8. Pingback: A Public Apology to My Mom, and Mrs. Sparkly’s Ten Commandments Award | Vicky...the Northern Chicky

  9. Hi!! LOVE your blog and I have nominated you for Mrs. Sparkly’s Ten Commandments Award!! Enjoy!!

  10. You need to write a sitcom based on your family

  11. Loved it! I could visualize your entire story like I was watching a movie. A very funny movie! 😀
    Excuse the baseball analogy, but you just hit this one out of the park, and I’d love to be the third base coach and give you a slap on the ass, as you round third and head for home.

  12. Funny post, Sheena!
    It’s always funny to see how we can perceive foreign people and their culture. Don’t know if you’ve read Edward T. Hall’s books (they’re about cultural differences). Really interesting.
    By the way your bro has good taste! lol (Non, non je ne suis pas française). 😀

  13. Ahaha!! That’s awesome. Love me some Hank Hill. I bet your dad is a trip.

  14. “…merrily y’all, VERY merrily.” Love that! So funny. I assume you’ve seen the movie “Breaking Away” where the main character wants to be Italian and his dad doesn’t get it either….

  15. Hi, I am a friend of Hotspur. I think that he has been a little lonely lately. I noticed you on his blogroll. Would you mind swinging by and saying hi?

  16. i totally love this, clear articulation of description…mind sharing some?

  17. The joys of parenthood 🙂

  18. I like your blog. You paint a good visual picture. That Hank Hill quote is one of my favorites.

    • Thank you so much. Ol’ Hank Hill is one of my favorite characters if only b/c it’s sentimental 🙂 He really is my dad!

      • Your welcome. King of the Hill is on about 4:00 AM and when I’m awake I don’t miss it. BBQ and beer. Ya can’t go wrong there. Although I tend towards charcoal sans the lighter fluid. My dad hails from KY and they share many of the same mannerisms and sayings. He passed away in 1995 but he had a group that would gather in the garage every weekend to bbq, drink beer and whatever. Good memories.

  19. Now that was clever and funny; your father gave your brother an outlet for those socks “baseball”!!!!

  20. Les chaussettes font l’homme! ( The Socks make the man). Great post, merci.

  21. Pingback: It’s Like Herding Bloggers « Someone Fat Happened

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