Why I Didn’t Have A College Fund and Parental Face/Palm

Children lack logical reasoning. The idea of parenting is to help a child evolve from egocentric to adaptable, dependable, and productive adults. Some children have talents that are quite evident at an early age. Some, well, you have to love a child that’s yours, right? There are times looking back upon my childhood that I think my parents might have been concerned about the adult me. I will present to you the evidence that will substantiate my previous statement.

My Parent’s Face Palm List:

1. When asked by adults what I wanted to be when I grow up, my most likely response was “I want to be a mermaid.” Yes, I wanted to be a half sea creature who dies tragically awaiting the love of my human prince. In fact at six years old, an age I should know such things are not real, I would play for extended amounts of time in the bath tub pretending I was in an underwater wonder world of talking crustaceans. I want to blame Disney for it’s romantic adaptation of an otherwise depressing tale and penis castle for this faulty ideology.

2. Like most children I would obsess over things. Miss Piggy, dinosaurs, The Simpsons, Bob Ross, friendship bracelets and Goosebumps books. Well my first memorable obsession; Jem and the Holograms. I was so obsessed with this cartoon all girl rock group/orphanage (which I hope was a cover up for black market child selling) that I denounced my own birth name. I would not accept Sheena and demanded to be called “Jem” as in gem the rock. I would correct strangers with a swift exuberance that could only indicate I was a child asshole and probably embarrassed my parents every time I screamed, “My name is not Sheena! It’s Jem!”

3. I was a terrible kid to take into public. No big butt went unnoticed. It seems I had an obsession when I learned to talk. My mother says she took me to Piccadilly Cafeteria, the mecca of big butts. It seems I not only wanted my parents to know that some lady had a big butt, but I wanted the restaurant and half of Houston, Texas to be aware. I yelled “Look at her butt mom, it’s a big butt, big butt, big butt!” No attempt made by my mother would silence me. It seems I liked to do this often but this day in particular I could not be silenced. The lady heard me, and so did everyone else. My mom said all she could do was laugh, shrug and look like a terrible mother who teachers her children to overstate the obvious.

4. As a jerk teenager I was inspired by talk shows, particularly wild teen talk shows. At the time Sally Jesse Raphael and Maury Povich were broadcasting them almost daily. I don’t know if you recall them but here’s the synapses; Interview mom, mom cries, teen talks about being bad ass, teen goes to boot camp, and then teen cries. The most spectacular part was the teen interview. Particularly an episode of Maury where he would ask these fourteen year old twins a question to which they responded “Yes I do, I do what I want!” Okay, ha ha, right? I responded to anything my mom said with just that in mockery of the teens. I recall it got out of hand as it became the only thing I would say for a good solid week or longer. My poor mom, she only wanted to know if I wanted bread rolls with dinner or how my day at school was.

5. My brother and I loved to answer unknown or sales calls at our house. We would scramble to the caller ID each time the phone rang. Well, I guess I was fifteen, and a lady called for my mom. I told the lady, in my best child voice, my dad said my mom was in heaven playing with angels. There was a pause and the lady sounded absolutely mortified. I was so proud when I told my mom I have triumphantly abolished all calls from that company; bulletproof! Of course my mom was actually expecting that phone call. The other thing my brother and I would do was answer, let the person start talking, scream bloody murder, and then hang up. We did that with our parent’s mortgage company they were going to buy a house with. We were no longer allowed to answer the phone in our house for quite a while. Bummer.

I probably will be reminded by my mom of more stories, yes, she reads my blog. I know right? She hasn’t denounced me as of yet, that’s rather commendable. She’s way nicer than me. I know though she would readily admit I embarrassed her sometimes with my quirky behavior. I suspect though the mermaid thing was the deciding factor as to whether or not to start a college fund for me. Let’s just say….I have student loans to pay off.

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45 responses to “Why I Didn’t Have A College Fund and Parental Face/Palm

  1. Your mother deserves the mother of the year award for all 18 of your childhood years. WOW…

  2. I.Loved. This! You were possibly and evil child I think! Turned out alright in the end though 🙂 Number 1 and 5 were my favourites – possibly because I was quite similar. I wanted to be a train driver (and still do, when I grow up) but my ability on the phone was legendary. I did what you did but without actually TRYING! This included one wonderful moment when a business colleague of my Dad’s phoned and asked for him and I told him no one lived here by that name. Only after I put the phone down did I realise who he meant. I still, to this day, don’t know why I did that…

  3. Hilarious as always. Did WordPress tell you that I linked to you yesterday in my blog? I don’t know if it does that automatically

  4. I like your phone activities! And I don’t let my Mum read my blog…
    FM

  5. I literally laughed out loud about you and your brother’s phone answering skills. Love it! To this day, I answer unknown calls and pretend I am the babysitter or Velma the housekeeper. Great, hilarious post!

  6. Oh god… I can’t stop laughing at #3!!!

    ~C

    • My son does this to me now, so I suppose I had that coming.

      • With literacy comes a whole new level of commentary from the offspring- and as soon as he knows what Prep H and Summer’s Eve and Trojans are, check your cart before you get to the check out lane at the grocery!

  7. Kudos to Bob Ross as I still watch that peaceful afro’d man.

    And kids should be allowed to call adults out on things like having a gigantic canyon of an ass or why daddy kisses the other mommy when mommy isn’t home. Kids are the most honest people when it comes to outside observances (as in when they aren’t being selfish about something they want .. You as a kid would have no trouble calling out a big butt because it doesn’t have any significance to your little life)

    • True kids are honest and it doesnt come from a mean place. I just could not be silenced when I needed to express how large a butt was!

  8. Your mom reads your blog? Then she probably already knows about that series of pornos you made to help pay for your college, and the 7 months you were a prostitute, and the year you sold crack to homeless children. Right?

  9. BAHhaha! I seem to recall having said/done my share of embarrassing anatomy-related public observations. I’m pretty sure if they’d been able to the male mannequins and lawn jockeys in Bel Air would have got a restraining order against me. 😉 PS… did you mean “synopsis?” (synapses- are neural/brain pathways… ) Unless you are making some extremely sophisticated intellectual reference that went over my head. LOL

    • Probably misuse of the word without even realizing the mistake, I don’t know if I am capable of super over the top smart references. I make Beastie Boys references in almost every blog and that’s about as deep as it gets! 🙂

  10. I love, love, love the phone call thing. A few days ago my son answered the phone while I was watching a hockey game and he told the person on the other end of the line, “She’s watching hockey. She’s not to be disturbed when she’s watching hockey,” and hung up on them. Turned out it was my brother. (Who really should have known better than to call me during a hockey game, but hey…) I think that deserves more money in the college fund…

  11. Cracked me up, as always! My kids have a problem with “little people”. Well… not a problem, but they stare. And stare.. I have to physically steer them in another direction as they crane their necks to keep their focus!

  12. Well, you have to have money to invest it….my folks kept me plenty chubby, so I can’t complain.

  13. Good stuff. Reminds me of why I was driven to drink and I was just looking for justification,thank you…..

  14. I had a Jem doll. It was the most awesome thing ever because the earrings lit up. But by the time my parents got me said doll I was too old to really play with it. That happened with carebears and cabbage patch dolls, too. I always got them three years after I wanted them, because I assume that’s when the price went down. But Jem made a great glow-in-the-dark nunchuck.

  15. OMG the “Mommy’s playing with angels” prank was hilarious! Maybe not for the person on the other line though. HAHAHAHAHA but still…

    • My mom cracked up! She was like “Sheena! That is awful!” and couldn’t keep a straight face. I had stifle my laughter during the call, after my stomach ached from laughing so hard. That poor lady.

  16. Haha! Gotta give it to the parents out there who deal with our shenanigans.I too spent ungodly amounts of time in the bathtub trying to sing like the Little Mermaid. I also was told I did the same think you did upon seeing big butts but with old women wearing too much make up. “Mommy look! A clown!”.

  17. Well whatcha want while u fightin for your right to get no sleep til Brooklyn? (too much?) BAHhahah!

  18. I think your Mom set aside the money from your college fund for her therapy fund.
    And Bob Ross rocked!

  19. You would have loved my grandmother and great-grandmother. Neither of them were above commenting, “Look at the wide ass on that!” or other assorted quips regarding bad clothing choices, women who “look like whores” and/or the extremely large butt. If they were alive today I could just hear the commentary on sleazy clothes, tattoos, etc. I got backhanded for doing exactly the same thing as a kid, but the Grandmas could comment with impunity.
    I think we all gave our parents nine kinds of hell, and when we have kids we get payback in spades. We get having to explain carts full of economy pack douche, condoms and Prep H upon getting in line at the grocery…:) We get to be on a first name basis with the middle school principal. We get kids who go to the guidance counselor claiming “abuse” because we won’t buy them big screen TVs and allow them free access to pay per view porn.
    Now it’s my son’s turn… tee-hee! Now I know why my Mom could hardly contain her glee when she heard of the impending arrival of my son. Parental vindication=grandchildren!

  20. The only part I don’t understand is, why “Gem”? “Sheena” is so cool, Queen of the Jungle and all that. Or did people constantly bring that up, so that you grew an aversion to it?

  21. Lmao I forgot about the phone stuff….don’t forget the real reason there was no college fund..I drank it away, remember? We would to the grocery store and you would very loudly ask if we could get food instead of beer this time. Quite remarkable you are here to write this blog!

  22. Totally with you on the Mermaid stuff… I SO wanted to be the ones from the Iliad and the Odyssey. You know, the ones with the enchanting singing voice that would lure men in and kill them violently or keep them as sex slaves, (or both, I think). I realized that would never happen, but vowed to name my first daughter “Siren”. Which I did. And I swear, she’s showing signs of Mermaidism: unnatural swimming abilities with crazy long legs that she uses like a fish tail, beautiful face with eyes that are creepy huge, and the kids can SING. I’m so freaking jealous.
    Seriously, kids are total assholes. I love my girls and all, but I often look at them and wonder, “what the f*ck crawled out of my uterus?” Gets worse as they get older. I sometimes wish they would go back to being a terrible two year old, throwing humiliating tantrums and yelling “VAGINA” in public and pooping in the corner while eating animal crackers.

    • Ha ha! Sirens are awesome. I love them namely b/c they lure men to death…I digress. Um, yeah i was not the best teen I was so moody. I’ll take yelling vagina and pooping pants over a smart mouth any day.

  23. Jessica Sophia

    Wait… You wanted to be a mermaid and only answered to “Jem”… Were we separated at birth???

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