On Driving

I have a long commute. While I drive my mind usually is at liberty to wander. It does, it meanders through the deepest depths of my psyche, analyzing, reflecting and mentally debating which Sally Hansen nail polish strips to buy.

So awesome they fill emotional voids

I am going to share some of my random thoughts that I typically have while I drive to work.

1. Traffic going the opposite way hits a really bad jam.

Nana nana boo boo….stick your head in doo doo.

2. I pass that traffic jam and see opposite traffic that hasn’t hit the traffic jam I just passed, they are cruising along, unaware of the mess ahead.

I hope you ain’t got an appointment to keep SUCKA!!!

3. Then it seems I run into this bullshit, now it’s not so funny.

As a matter of fact, absolutely nothing is funny at this moment

4. In my mind, the cause of the traffic jam is something along the lines of this

It doesn’t have to make sense it’s my blog

5. The reality is that the cause for a one hour delay in my commute is this:

OMG we r sofa king cute!

6. Curious George was the only pet monkey that didn’t want to rip your face off blinded by his own primal rage, destroying the town on a simian rampage. Moral: He’s not real, monkeys as pets? No way they’re less predictable than drunken dart throwing. (On a side note; when you google chimp attacks there are pictures of a guy drinking monkey pee, what the fuck is wrong with humans?)

Perhaps that’s an untold story…

7. How much do babies really understand?

Do not speak on my behalf, it’s not cute to mispronounce words….is that supposed to be ME “talking”? I hate you.

8. I bet it sucked being the chubby one in Wilson Phillips, It reminds me of seventh grade lunch table all over again. I was envious of the girls who were rocking those skorts…I wanted a pair of shorts that looked like a shirt too.

At least I wanted to look good in a skort. SAD FACE

9. How exactly are face donors picked out? It just seems like you would have to have a healthy viable organ for transplant. A face would likely have healthy skin so how are they picked? Convenience, age, level of attractiveness? It makes me look at some people and think, yeah, I’d have your face. This is not a discussion for friends though, you don’t want to be honest about whose face you would choose. Don’t commit to that decision it makes for hurt feelings.

Ah for fuck sake, Florida? Can I sit this one out? I’ll take the next face.

10. Gawd, the Lost Boys made vampires look cool, not Twilight.

They threw the most dope parties, hang on to train tracks while the train passes? WHAT!? You can’t front on that Edward.

11. Sean Bean: King of Nerds, never really lives through a movie, but he does die like a BOSS.  He never gets to play a modern character, ever.

12. I’m glad these assholes are deep, deep in the ocean

I suppose I’ll end, abruptly, as my thoughts do upon reaching my destination. Until next time. Expect me when you least expect me.



31 responses to “On Driving

  1. This is very similar to my traffic thoughts list. Especially with Wilson Phillips and those mean deep sea fish. Except I also like to give acceptance speeches for random objects I find in my car. If they turn out really good, then I try to write them down. One more accident isn’t going to make that big of a difference.

  2. Looks like our minds travel down a similar road whilst driving. Recently, I was stuck in traffic for an hour. I expected a horrific accident, but do you know what happened? People slowed down to look at an Indian family having a picnic on the side of the highway.

    Also, I agree with your thoughts about Sean Bean. He will wear that exact outfit for the rest of his life. And yes, he does die like an mother effing BOSS.

    • Yep, I am not sure what makes ppl lose all sense of urgency when anything ANYTHING out of the ordinary is on the road. I would have thrown something at dad for that. Just sayin’ well, or kidding 🙂 Sean Bean probably does wear the same outfit. I just wonder if he gets scripts and he’s like: “Middle Ages, Witch Trails of Europe, The Plague…Huh! Can I do ONE movie that involves like a high speed chase..in a CAR!?!” I feel his angst.

  3. hahaha LOVED this! 🙂

  4. LOL! loved it babe, great job with the pictures too 😛 so apt!

  5. I prefer listening to music, smoking and cursing at other drivers when I drive to work.
    And I don’t even feel bad, because that old lady toatlly deserved to be called a douche canoe.

  6. Love your thoughts while driving. I have also wondered about how vampires could fall so far from the awesome Lost Boys. Hmmm.

  7. Geezus, how long is your commute?! 🙂 I catch myself yelling DUDE……I CAN’T SEE YOUR F’ING BLINKER WHEN YOU’RE RIGHT NEXT TO ME, or LADY! DAMN IT, YOU BETTER BE IN LABOR! It takes me 30 minutes to get to work.

  8. Most importantly, what nail strips did you buy? Yesterday @ Sephora I saw them with sprinkles like a birthday cupcake. DO NOT buy those for obvious reasons.

    • I got love letter, they are great! they looked like hand writing. I want the one’s I put the pic of, they are great. They have lace and sparkles! Oh it’s delightful.

  9. This was great! I can really relate to your “their traffic jam – that becomes your traffic jam” thoughts, and yes, people would rubber neck at cute kittens, and even more so at the Costa Concordia aground, if that was ever possible.

    The Lost Boys make Edward look like a… politically incorrect 3 letter word. (rhymes with bag – and now I’m in trouble!)

    Clicking on the monkey pee link made me regret my lunch at Burger King, but at least the image was small, and yeah, WTF is wrong with humans?! .

    • Surely by now you know that my links are not too misleading ha ha ha! Thanks 🙂 Oh how I love the drive….my brain goes to the strangest places. Many blogs come from morning drives to work, the others from conversations on facebook and lastly TLC shows 🙂

  10. I’ve actually seriously had to sit down with my wife and talk her out of buying a monkey. I won with the “Think of how stressful it will be for the monkey when we have to move away and we can’t take it with us” argument. That monkeys rip people’s faces off and eat babies wasn’t really high on her list of concerns. (She may have seen it as a perk.)

  11. Sean Bean survived to the end of Silent Hill – a movie set in modern society!

    Oh man, I’m the party pooper.

    • HE DID! Yep, you’re right. It’s cool though, he generally plays the same dude (whom I route for and am sad when he dies EVERY TIME even though I know it’s gonna happen)

  12. Heheh… your train of thoughts gets derailed about as easily as mine. I love to reflect on how I got to a certain thought and what it would be like trying to explain my thought process to someone out loud.

    • Oh man, yeah that’s why I guess picture format was needed, because I get a lot of blank stares when I let my random thoughts flow from my mouth. I have a steady flow of randomness going on all the time. I wonder what it’s like to have all intelligent random thoughts,,,meh?

  13. I want to see celebrity impersonators get serious and start replacing their face with recently-deceased celebs. Only then will they be allowed to perform on the stage of a C class casino

  14. Probably boring… LOL. I think the cross patches are needed as shortcuts… or else we’d be all day thinking things and never get anywhere. A few random dead ends are to be expected. 😉

  15. See I would get to Sean Bean and then just stop! Who could think about anything else after that?!

  16. LOL! This was a definite win – I want to put it on my fridge 🙂 …Jill

  17. I sort of miss the long drives to work I had in the past- now I live about five miles away and unless traffic’s backed up I can make it only about half way through “Dixie Highway” or “Bohemian Rhapsody.” When I had those long assed drives (an hour or more both ways) I’d usually either zone out to music or talk to myself about all the things on my mind.
    The thing I don’t miss about long commutes is winter. Central Ohio winters really suck for the long distance commuter. In the city the Interstates and even most of the major roads are treated and cleared, but NOT in the rural areas, where 80 MPH winds and drifting snow make driving in a sub-compact not so fun. I do remember many white knuckle prayer sessions on those sort of days.

    “Please, God, forgive me for flipping off and then calling the guy who cut me off five miles back a festering, gonorrhea-infected dick, and while you’re at it, please, please don’t let me spin out into that ditch out here in BFE where my car will be covered in snow for months and nobody will find my partially coyote-eaten skeletal remains until July…”

    • Ha ha! You ever wonder if God just posts like “Prayers today…SMH” on his facebook? probably. I am so scared of driving in the snow that I think about is not thinking about morbid thoughts and traffic accidents. yikes. Nashville has an ongoing tally of traffic deaths posted everyday…it’s so creepy

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