I have conducted a social experiment in the past unbeknownst to my subjects. Now, you may wonder to yourself, Sheena is not a scientist, so why is she conducting experiments? My answer is shut your pie hole, if scientists can study big boobs equates to big tips (GTFO is that why there’s Hooters restaurant I soooo thought it was diarrhea inducing wing sauce) then I can study anything, anything at all, and call it “science”. Now here I go: kickin’ the new k-nowledge.
Back to my groundbreaking research. My hypothesis: Rednecks will claim a Native American heritage regardless of actual said lineage being legitimate. I live in Tennessee, there is an abundance of rednecks. I conducted my study at my last job (which was like getting donkey punched everyday for eternity bad, seriously, fuck that place). I asked twenty people I worked with about their Native American heritage. The result was eleven verbal confirmations of “indian blood from a great great great granny” or something similar. Wow, that’s specific and concise. I was even able to predict who would say yes by determining how redneck they are. For example: Do they have an almost phallic love for guns? Do they love college football more than pro? Do they believe in actual Satanic worship being a pandemic problem? Do they think Jesus hates the people they do? Oh shit that was deep…you get the idea. It really was a “litmus paper” of sorts.
More so, the most prevalent of claims are Cherokee heritage. Granted, Cherokee tribes were quite prevalent in east Tennessee. So were the Shawnee, Chickasaw and Yuchi, just to name the bigger tribes. So why Cherokee? Well it seems that membership of the clan was determined by the mother. So a woman could marry and the husband was adopted into the clan. So says the internet. I’m no historian. It does at least make it believable that many Americans with other obvious ancestry could possibly be related to the Cherokee…perhaps.
Okay so I will give rednecks that. Perhaps the Cherokee were quite open to membership like AAA or Sam’s Club. Whatever. It still doesn’t fully explain this phenomenon of white people wearing things they have poorly reproduced from various Native American tribes. Informative links provided to feel less stupider!
Now if you’re curious, conduct this experiment among the Caucasian people you know. A large majority will claim to have distant relatives of a Native American tribe, if you’re in Tennessee and probably North Carolina, the majority will say Cherokee.
The best part is the ratio equation of racial bloodline composition. Meaning you will also have some idiot say, “Well now, my mama wuz about a quarter Indian, uh, a Cherokee princess (because they had monarchic rule, thanks Disney for making us even less culturally aware) and I do believe my pappy was an Chipamottoto (wait, did he make that shit up?) and so I reckon that makes me 3/8 of an Indian (Native American right?) yep.”
Hopefully this is not misconstrued and racist, it’s not. I for one think we are far too insensitive to Native American culture. I know how some people love to be offended so I had to throw that out there. This isn’t a socioeconomic attack on the poor or uneducated southerners either. Mind you, I grew up around this, it’s part of my life. I can’t help but poke a little fun.